Somehow the time went by.  Life went by. Writing went through my fingers again like smoke. Somehow the world cooled, softened and turned brown and grey.

The children. I’m going to have difficulty leaving the children in a week and a half. They are all such beautiful lights to me. They gaze at me like I have answers now. They trust me and respect me and little Rapha runs to me and hugs me when he feels overwhelmed. I wish I could take the whole journey with them.

I subbed, so many times. Which was exhilarating and exhausting and trial by fire wilderness. And I grew and I rose to the challenge and I feel so confident now. I started training to become a reading specialist. Delving into syllables and phenomes and the letters and sounds that make up this strange and wonderful language we have. And that was a gift too.

Today the children banged rocks apart on larger rocks with bigger rocks to make a fine dust. They gathered the dust up into pots and called it pixie dust. They all sat to work together through their recess and said they needed endlessly more pixie dust. Their banging was so pure and intentioned.

Maybe I am running from the world by wanting to immerse myself in this magical Waldorf world of childhood and beauty. Maybe that’s the way to save my life. Maybe we all need to run from the world more. And see from a distance what nonsense it all is.

Love is still the answer. In all its fumbled tones and miserable sounds. Love is still that beating heart in the back of my brain. The soul of soul of soul of soul. That center of all things wheeling and spinning. The turnkey banging on the door. Always saying: let me in, let me in.

 

I’ll watch as you go, I’ll wait as you glow.

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