Sometimes the strum of a chord sounds so honest that I have to clutch my chest for fear of falling out of my body. Sometimes the inflection in someone’s voice while singing is just so intimate my insides begin to dissolve. The quality of a sound sometimes breaks me apart. Music is intense for me. Extremely easy to slip into. Probably the easiest of anything.
Life moves in circles.
And I don’t understand how all the years passed so quickly.
I’m falling back in love with people. With being with people.
I get so attached to kids. I care so much about their sacred little worlds. The way the world looks through their eyes. Golden and elapsed. I love their wild evolution that swarms through them so quickly. Azariah pretends like he doesn’t know me at school. Which is sad and understandable and sort of sweet. He’s in third grade and I’m sure being around the nanny he had when he was 5 years old embarrasses him. I tucked him in at night and now I’m wandering the halls with him. Boys are boys. Boys are funny. Reuben is better, but he’s older. He’s in 5th grade and he gives me wry smiles when I see him walking across the green like the near-man he’s growing into.
I am learning so much, so much. And I am doing it. I am standing strong like a wall and I am commanding them and I am being asked to substitute and I am getting looks of approval from the experienced teachers and I am feeling more confident everyday. I crossed some line and now I am not afraid to command them. That doesn’t mean I always know what the right thing is to say, or the right way to handle a situation. But I am trying to absorb as much as I can. And it’s all piecing together, slowly. With practice. Lots of practice.