I’m confused.

One of those October days that swells over you like a swarm of burning leaves. Like a parade of children’s laughter and the stunning remembrance of what it is to wake up. I am always five steps away from myself and three feet in the moment. I am always burying myself in my own lust for air. For something worth breathing. I am always a recycled bunch of things I’ve always been feeling. I am never half of what I think I know. I am so much more, and so much less. It is so much more complicated, and so much more simple.

I wish I could articulate myself in person. But I think I have a habit of always saying the wrong thing. I have a feeling a lot of us do. Even our behavior. I think sometimes is a mystery to ourselves as well. It’s confusing, being a human. Being full of so many things. In a world that doesn’t give us much space to waddle around in articulation. In a world that can be pretty unforgiving. I understand how fear breeds like a disease. And how fear locks us into tiny two-toned colors. Sometimes I have to say it’s hard. It’s all hard. Sometimes it’s soft. Sometimes the days wander around me like theives. Plucking little pieces of me to give to others without my permission. Sometimes life is strange, golden and trembling. Sometimes I am walking my life and sometimes my life is walking me. Sometimes I am looking and sometimes I am seeing. All of time I have eyes, and all of the time I have heart. But sometimes they don’t know how to speak. What to say. How to say. Anything at all about this section of the universe called ours. About where to go from here. About how to walk with no map. About how to fumble around in the dark.

Well, we’re all doing alright so far, aren’t we? Fumbling around in the dark? That’s what we’re all always doing. With the little night-light of the sun casting light on our faces half of the time. Just letting us see a little sliver. Sometimes. When the earth spins us her direction.

And when I get down on myself like…who’s going to want to date a single mom? I realize that really, it really wouldn’t change anything dramatically for anyone. Both parties would typically be busy during the day at work and such, right? And then he’s asleep by 7 or so…sometimes even earlier…so…it only really matters if someone wanted to do something during the day on a day off or a weekend or something…in which case, either Jamie could come with or Jeff could take him for the day like he’s so rabid to. And Will and Victoria are just jumping at the chance to babysit, they absolutely love it. So. It’s really not that overwhelming. People don’t need to spend every minute with each other anyway. People shouldn’t. People need space. I guess the only thing it would effect would be if things got really serious with someone and they wanted to live together and even still, it would effect it…but not as much perhaps, as it seems. And that is all far down the road. It’s really not that bad. He goes to sleep early, he takes multiple 2 hour naps during the day, he can have play dates, he’s got a thousand willing and loving babysitters, he’s got his father, one day he’ll have school, and his own homework, and his own things to do. He’s sweet, he’s little, he’s loving. Mia’s doing it. Millions of people do it. No one’s perfect. Everyone’s got their stuff. No one wants to spend every waking minute with another person anyway. It’s a good buffer actually. And actually, he’s ridiculously fun. A joy.


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