Oh me oh my. What am I doing?
Music helps. Music always helps.
Little Jamie is in the most wonderful phase. These are blissful days. Each day one foot in front of the other getting more and more confident with walking. With holding himself in his body. And he is loving it. He wants to walk everywhere, all of the time. I like the independence, and I like that he’s happy. Everyone said it would be worse, but I find it’s so much better. I love his little hand clasping on to my finger and walking down the street with me. It makes my heart melt. Today Victoria took him to the library while I was at school…so I went to go pick him up and little Jamie and I walked all around town. Just silent with the biggest smile all over his face. Just thrilled to be walking. To be exploring. My streets. To be showing him the world. To be walking with his little hand and all of his fierce determination. And the leaves are on fire and the sun and the wind are holding each other’s hands gracefully and everything was just so. And everything was just right. And it was meaningful. Walking through this place that means so much to me. It’s my town and they’re my streets and they hold my whole heart. Draped over them and tucked into each grate. I love Princeton. I hate the money, the snobbery, the ridiculous clothes, the corporate 20 somethings, the stupid overly-expensive salons. I hate the Lilly Pulitzer store and all of the expensive make up and jewelry stores. But I love it for sentimental reasons. And I love it for its beauty. For its history, its sense of community. I love it for the way it keeps telling me where I’ve been- how I sat in that corner or on that bench or danced in the rain on this sidewalk. I love it for the hundreds of people I’ve walked these streets with. I love it for its liberalism, its awareness, its intelligence, its growing greenness. I love it for all the times it made me feel like a child and all the times it taught me how to be a woman. I love it for sharing its streets with me, its sighs, its strange alleyways and hidden high school mysteries. I love it for the unbelievably bizarre mischief we all got ourselves into on these streets. When we were young and the world was so big yet. So now, fumbling through these first few steps with Jamie…skating through this town, these streets, the colors and the storefronts…it’s meaningful. It’s beautiful. And he will grow to know these streets too, in time. In his own time.
And it’s strange too, how it isn’t my home anymore. My home is Lawrenceville now which is utterly bizarre but utterly true. I have full on lived there for two and a half years. I only lived in Kingston full time for 9 months. I love this side of the tracks way more though. I love these roads, I feel less oppressed over here in Lawrenceville. It feels a bit more right, a bit more comfortable, less pretentious. More roads that slope and slide and get full of brambles and light and fields of waving grasses over here. I have loved the new discovery of the same place I’ve always been. I don’t quite know where to call home now, though. Now that my house is no longer a home. I don’t know. I don’t know anything.
The uniqueness of each person is sort of astonishing to me. It’s very easy to get into lumping people and categorizing people but the strangest and most endless mystery is that abyss of personhood which ultimately becomes entirely impossible to articulate. You can assign someone a list of adjectives or attributes, but it’s always never enough. Never enough to really encompass the full colors and hues of what it is to experience another. Another’s world, which is as infinite as yours. People are always more than a sum of parts. Which is why it sometimes becomes difficult to even express exactly why you love someone. Or even why you love being with someone. Because tying it down to simple words simply oversimplifies it. It’s such a mysterious thing- another person. An endless flux. The exact shade and hue of what it is to be you, is something that poetry, music and art are always trying to illuminate. But the real experience of what it is to experience another person – that is too many millions of shades to call one color. Too many scents to carry. Too many notes to play.
Let people be that real.
So what am I doing? I have no idea. I am trying by best to navigate this strange territory but I literally have no idea what the right thing is to do. Especially when I have no idea what’s going on. So. I am just. Trying my best.