Something in the air today makes me so grateful to be alive I could cry. Sometimes children are so beautiful I feel my heart might explode. Their perfect faces, their wild and curling hair, the way they dance through their bodies with light. It’s horrifyingly gorgeous. We painted today and it was sacred. Lights off, everyone silent, just dim slits of natural light floating through the windows, teacher playing the lyre and everyone experiencing the feeling of golden.

I’m trying. I’m really trying to understand what the fuck I’m supposed to do right now. But I don’t have a fucking clue. So. I am just trying to take each moment by each moment. I am trying to get my head to not think what it thinks and I am trying to get my heart to not feel what it feels but I am never winning. I am always just wandering 10 steps behind myself watching myself fuck up everything in my path. It’s a horrifying car crash that I can feel happening all around me but I can’t even get back into my body to stop anything at all.

I feel like I’m standing over here holding a grenade in my hand and the weight of it is too goddamn heavy for me. I just feel like I might explode. I have felt like I might just explode for 4 months.

You will end up doing everything you always swore you could never possibly imagine yourself doing. Every horrible and wild thing. For life is long, lines are blurry, love is thick, hearts are strong and fear is relentless. And you will never stop being haunted by the feeling that the steady drum beat of your heart almost sounds like a song you once knew you how sing.

Your love little Jamie, though, the depth and honesty of it…has been one of the greatest gifts I have ever received. So thank you for that.

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