So much to say. So little time. Jamie is consistently not letting me leave him in bed which results in me just falling asleep at 8pm and never being allowed up again and never having any free time to decompress. I think it’s a new wave of separation anxiety or something…but it means I don’t have any time to do anything.
It’s ok, it all comes and goes in waves.
I had my first day at the Waldorf school…helping prepare the classroom. I went to the beach and little Jamie got knocked down in the waves and was very upset and I felt horrible. Got to read my poem yesterday at Grounds for Sculpture which was pretty awesome.Lots of people came up to me and told me they loved my poem as I was walking through Grounds for Sculpture for the rest of the day…so that was pretty special. Victoria’s birthday was on Saturday and Big Amy made TWO cakes. Jeff is still angry about every little thing that happens. I start work in a week and a half and I’m pretty excited for it. There is so much to learn and so much to absorb and I want to go at it from a purely positive state of mind and just soak it up like a sponge. I love the Waldorf world. And it is such a WORLD. I was reminded of this on Saturday when I was there for the first time in a long time and it just absorbs you with all of this Waldorf-yness that just infests everything around you. It’s a beautiful and very real and very fantastical world all at the same time. It is all at once much more real, intimate and accessible than the real world, and also infinitely more magical and elevated than the real world. It is hard to articulate and I think perhaps nearly impossible to do so. But just walking into a Waldorf school it is immediately understood on a sort of primal level. There is so much aesthetic and so much beauty to it all.
I am sad to see summer go…but I’m also sort of at peace with it. Ready for the coming Fall. We couldn’t spend a great deal of time outside because it was often too hot and sunny for little Jamie…so maybe we’ll get to go on more walks and such as it becomes cooler.
I’m getting more comfortable articulating what I want to others and being able to stand by my strengths, which is a good thing. It’s still a long road to travel…and some roads I think have closed for me now…but others have opened. So I don’t know where I’m going exactly, but I’m got a lot of me to toss out into the wind and maybe something will be picked up somewhere. Everything is possible though, I just have to keep reminding myself that. The universe is a MUCH better storyteller than I could ever be and every time I imagine that I can imagine how and where my life is going to go…the universe just flips my life on my head and I have to start all over. And THAT is the gift. And that is the thing much better at this whole thing than me. The world is much more full of surprise and wonder than I could ever foresee. Life is really much better at this whole thing than I am. So I’ll just keep trusting. And keep breathing. And keep giving my love out in a thousand directions. And keep watching the path continually unfold before my feet. A thousand steps more interesting and unknowable than I could plan for. And I’ll just keep stepping. One foot in front of the other. I’ll just keep walking for now. Maybe even dancing. I’ll just keep moving. Never stop moving. And I’ll stop thinking I would ever want to know what the next step is. What would be the fun in that?
I’ll just keep breathing.