Just sitting watching the world get jumbled, eat itself for breakfast and flip itself inside out.
Life is really quite a lot. But quite a lot of beauty and quite a lot of effort being pushed in the right direction. Transformation happening again. So many aspects of my life flipping. Bryan, my rock, my best friend…evaporating into thin air. Dan, all of the sudden, moving to Princeton? WHAT is this? MR. Philadelphia who hates the suburbs and would never leave the city. And he’s being so open and kind and willing to experience whatever this new chapter of his life is bringing. So that’s exciting. The wild and ridiculous journey the four of us have been on in our relating to each other has been pretty incredible. Dan missed most of my life from 14 on after basically being kicked out of the family…and then he’s been in Philly so long…but trying so wonderfully and so hard to make up for all the damage he did. And now to be back here. After abandoning our family here 11 years ago. The whole journey is pretty incredible. Forgiveness is so powerful. And Richard. I don’t think things will ever get better. I really don’t. So now he’s abandoned the family. My father figure, the person I looked up to most as a child. Refusing to speak to any of us. For 2 years now. For no reason. Doesn’t even respond when I send him a wedding invitation. I don’t know what would ever make him respond to any of us except a death in our immediate family. It’s pretty painful. It’s pretty difficult. It’s pretty horrible for mom. I don’t understand how people can disappear themselves. I never expected this strange journey for all of us. We were so close as children. It’s all difficult, but wonderful and transformative at the same time. I am excited for Dan to move here. I’m excited for what it brings and what it means and what could be.
Went to NYC again yesterday with mom for the NY gift show. That shit is insane. Absolutely insane. I’ve gone almost every year with her but still is always knocks me on my ass the sheer amount of STUFF that we make in this world. It’s so absurd. Let’s stop making useless shit, please.
But I do find that I’m much more open and receptive to the world again. Any part of the world. NYC. What have you. Everything has its own place in this world.
Anytime I get frustrated with people being cocky or self-centered I have to recognize that I have the same traits within myself. We all do. And yes we should allow those feelings and experiences to breathe, and we should try to swim out towards that greater self of larger awareness, of more giving, of more love and more recognition of the universality of us all. Of the great ‘we’ we are. But both things can exist and should exist and are beautiful within themselves.