Jamie is having a really, really tough time. I just discovered he has a dairy allergy a couple of weeks ago and now I think that even me having dairy and then breastfeeding him is really causing him trouble. So I guess I’m going to go dairy free. It’s difficult…but it’s worth a try. Poor baby.
I’m still pretty overwhelmed with everything. I still don’t really know how to sort through it all. But Jeff is changing, rapidly and quickly and scarily. He is offensive and angry and mean and controlling. He is flipping everything I say and I literally catch him do it mid-sentence. I don’t even know how he’s not aware of what he’s doing right now. He’s just spiraling. And now he says we need to get land as fast as possible and wherever we get land we will never move and stay there for the rest of our lives and die there. And we will have a farm there (wtf??) and goats and grow all of our own food and we won’t have time for anything because we’ll have so many tasks to attend to on the farm. WHAT. And I say…um…this was never our dream. And he gets irrationally irate SCREAMING about how it absolutely was and I don’t listen. Um. This was never our dream. I never wanted a farm myself. WHAT? And I really feel like he wants these things in particular because it will keep me from all my other interests. I won’t have time to be interested in anything other than being alone in the yurt with him and tending to our homestead. And it’s fucked up and it’s not what I want at all. So. I don’t know what I’m doing. He’s even clamping down so hard and being so possessive. He says we will never get divorced, never, never. I just want to dissolve. And go back. And I’m trying really hard to stay at peace with my life decisions…but it’s so hard when they have gotten me so twisted around.
And he was screaming and pounding the table about how we need to go to therapy because he was convinced that they were going to agree with him. And so we go and they say that he’s being irrational and projecting things on me and I’m being reasonable and he says they have no idea what they’re talking about let’s never go back and “the only reason you wanted to go is so that they would tell you you’re right”. It makes me feel CRAZY. I can’t even talk sense to this person. All the flipping is literally making me insane.
So what do I want? I don’t know. Some autonomy over my life. Some sense of respect. Some recognition that I have dreams too. I want to travel and not to have to buy land within the next few years and live there for the rest of my life. How am I supposed to know now where I want to spend the rest of my life? I need some room for flexibility. I don’t want a farm or any of those responsibilities as much as I like the romantisized idea and the ideals behind having a homestead. I want my time to be spent doing other things. I am looking forward to when Jamie grown so that I can get back on the track of my life. Act, be in shows, write, try to get things published, paint, try to sell paintings, take photographs, have a darkroom, travel, be a part of a community, volunteer, be an activist for causes I believe in. Try to make the world a better place, a more beautiful place. A full on homestead is too confining, too insular. And that’s not why we wanted a yurt. We wanted it because it is move-able and mobile and once we had it we could put it anywhere and it wouldn’t be too much work to take care of and because it wouldn’t be too expensive since we’re always going to be poor. And he wants me out in the middle of nowhere and consumed with homestead tasks because he doesn’t want me to do those other things. He doesn’t want me to have other interests, other friends, other accomplishments. He hates everything about my life that isn’t him. I hate ego.
Yes, some differences are ok. Necessary. Challenging in the right ways. And some differences are too much. We’re growing into two totally different people. There was a time I think we wanted the same things…but not anymore.