Well, it’s always all things at once. Wonderful and horrifying and alive. And it always seems to pour when it rains. And my life goes in waves and rhythms of nothing happening at all and then a holy explosion of a thousand things. I am just swimming in this summer. Just swimming in it. All ten thousand things at once. But this newest one..this one is truly fucked up. Losing Richard. Losing Cheryl. What she’s doing is so fucked up on so many levels. I don’t understand how I’m ever supposed to proceed. I don’t understand how she doesn’t see it. I don’t understand why Victoria keeps getting shit on. I don’t understand how people can treat each other like this. I don’t understand how I’m supposed to proceed with my husband with this out of control anger he has. I am legitimately afraid of it. I don’t understand what I’m supposed to tell Tannwen. I don’t understand how I’m supposed to proceed with the Hill side of the family when Jeff has pitted us against each other in so many ways. How is this supposed to unfold? I don’t understand how anything positive can come from this war between our families.
Well in other news, I got the job at the Waldorf School! Which is incredible. And so good. And such a step in the right direction in so many ways. I can’t imagine leaving Jamie. The idea is so horrible. And painful. Physically painful. But I need to work towards autonomy and financial independence. And I have to walk in this direction. And it’s a positive. Such a positive. So I have to look at it that way and use it to bolster my attention towards Jamie. Give him a thousand and one percent in the moments I DO get to spend with him. Be more aware, more awake, more present. And let this be an opportunity to make me more attentive. Always more present.
Life is just eating me for lunch.
And no, I’m not an idiot for getting myself into this relationship. You have to be fearless. You have to give every relationship the benefit of the doubt and a clean slate and an open mind. And you have to have hope. And you have to trust people. I’ve seen a thousand people around me fall into fear and paranoia and distrust and paint a thousand good intentions in a thousand nasty ways. And what does an eye for an eye do for anyone. How do we mature as a society, how do we move past judgment and the wheel of cycles of pain bringing pain bringing pain. Distrust bringing distrust bringing distrust until everyone has walls around them 10 feet high and all we look for from each other is casual sex and everyone has given up on love. And everyone can carry this badge of being so post-post-post-modern that they can all slap each other on the backs for how disconnected their all being. Well good for fucking you. But that doesn’t impress me. It never has and it never will. It is an easy choice, it is a stagnant choice and it a choice without passion, love, heartbreak, growth, and the experience of being alive. Be alive. Choose to be alive. To experience all of it. To make mistakes. Huge ones. From them come immense growth, immense experiences, immense revelation, depth and insight. Fear grows fear. Fear shuts down the world and fear sits on your shoulder and builds up your ego until you can’t see the light of the sun any longer.
Pride, ego, selfishness. I am so sick of it. I am so done with it. I have no time to be wasted on such petty human nonsense. It is a waste. Pride has kept far too many beautiful things from happening in this life. Pride has built up far too many walls and carried far too many egos over those walls into lands unreachable. Pride is fucking bullshit and ego is a waste of a perfectly beautiful life. Just let it go. Just let it all go. Be present. And there is a wide world of light just dancing around you. And you choose to focus on this tiny shadow of yourself in the corner that is just a meaningless reflection of you and your small body blocking the light.
Community. Love. Faith. Selflessness. Grace. Giving. The impulse to do what is best for the greater good. Working towards building a better world. Working towards filling up this universe with more beauty, with more poetry, with more magic, with more wonder, awe, and connectivity. That is what I’m interested in. The rest is just a sideshow of a bunch of disconnected people with heads 4 times the size of their body trying to walk with their faces turned inside out glaring at their own brains.
We have to have faith in this world and we have to have faith in each other if anything is ever going to work. Pessimism is no place to enter into a marriage. Or any relationship of any kind. So no, I’m not an idiot for giving this thing a shot. Not an idiot at all. I am brave. And I am proud that I walk without fear and I move without malice and I make my decisions from a place of deep hope and deep trust that the universe is no doubt unfolding as it should. Always. Always. Always drawing me ever closer to that sacred light splayed out into the world. Always drawing me ever closer to that deep darkness in the heart of the night. Pulling me into the depth of both sides, making me more. Making me more of myself, more of what I am not, more of what I am becoming. Always. Always becoming more of what I am, what I could be, what I will be, what I search for. There are no wrong decisions. There cannot be. The universe is unfolding as it should. The world only spins forward. And we are circling a great ball of light. And she is fire. And she spits embers. And she knows far, far, far more about this neighborhood of the universe than I could ever begin to imagine. And even our small sun is tiny. One of billions. One small speck. I am small. And humble. And I know nearly nothing. And I am just watching this world unfold around me. And I am just watching time suck the light out of this day. And I am watching time float around me in spirals and I am a fool to think that I could know any better than any blade of grass that is sitting before me. I am walking and the path is always there. There are no mistakes. Just grandeur that expands. And somehow responds. And somehow, I know not how…but somehow…the world responds to me. Something listens. And something moves. It always does. And when I believe…it always comes back around. Not in the way you’d expect. Not in the way I’d ever expect. And THAT is the relationship. The knocking me down on my ass. Making me laugh. Showing me I know nothing. It always comes back in the most unexpected way. But brilliantly crafted. If you’re looking. If you’re paying attention. You can see threads pulling you towards something that you always are.
But that’s what it is. The strangest relationship with the silence. That is always 10 thousand times more intelligent than I am. Has a sense of humor. And of course is far more interesting than any silly story seems to express.
I don’t know if everyone’s life is unfolding in this way and they just don’t pay attention to it. Or if attention makes it respond. I don’t know. In quantum physics I think the act of paying attention makes the particle respond. But I don’t know the details and the details and none of us do. All we can see is what we observe. And our methods of observing and our tools for observing are fairly primitive (on the scale of the universe). So I don’t know what’s happening. All I can say is what I observe. And what I experience. And what I experience is that the universe responds to faith. And the universe responds to the grace of believing in hope. And holding on to trust.
We see what we want to see. Yes. Certainly. Isn’t that what I’m saying exactly? Isn’t that the point? And at what point does our perception become our reality? At what point is it objectively real. Well. At what point is ANYTHING objectively real. Isn’t it all an assemblage of images being made sense of in our brain? Well then. Send them through again. Infuse your circuits with trust rather than fear. With hope rather than anger. And see what your reality is. And see how the universe responds. That is the part I cannot prove, I cannot make sense of, and I cannot pinpoint to definitive logic. But it is what I experience. And many others. And at a certain point, it lives beyond proof. It is what it is. And it is the wordless response in the silence. It is that wind pushing you behind your back and it is that endless spinning forth the earth is dancing with. It is that fantastic friend gravity and the intention behind its impulse to hold fast and true. To never falter or fail. To tie us together rather than fly us apart. That strange, stunning, mystery companion. The strongest, deepest voice in your mind which you trust above all others.
Maybe God IS in our head. I’ve never understood why that would mean it’s not real? Isn’t it ALL in our head? Whatever part of our mind can conceive of grace, divinity, belief itself – that in itself may be it. If we are consciousness, and we are conscious of…even an idea…on some level…that has power. And on a collective level, it creates true relevance. And the universe responds. Because we are the universe perceiving itself. And everything is just a dream. So we bring it into existence and it is in existence. We pull on the thread and the thread comes into being. Maybe. Maybe not. Maybe it is that primal part of our consciousness which is above and beyond and before all words. That knows all things. Deep intuition. And we all have it wired into our brain, we just have to tap into it. Cultivate it. Trust it. Walk it like a tightrope.
I’ve always found it’s like that ridiculous sensation of thinking about something that can’t be thought, articulating some thing that can’t be articulated…Those moments when I’ve really felt like I was really on the path. I was totally connected and committed to everything…I was walking some divine path and everything was falling into place…it’s like trying to remember some word you’ve never been told. Like as soon as you name it, it vanishes. That’s how trying to describe my experience of God and with God is. As soon as I try to name it…it disappears. If I try to find it…it hides. But in the strangest, most honest and clear moments of my life…when I am finally not TRYING suddenly it is everywhere all at once. And you can’t find the path again to get there. But when you’re there you can feel it.
But then I don’t believe you could ever be on the right path because I don’t believe you could ever be on the wrong path. There is just the path. Unless the universe responds. And you can alter your path. Or maybe it is all right. There are supposed to be moments when you feel lost. And moments when you feel like you’re walking the right path. It’s all a dream anyway. And it’s all creating the drama of your life. So that you believe that any of this matters. So that in context these things can exist. If you were always walking the right path you wouldn’t even know it was the right path. Or that it was anything at all. Things only get these tints and shades and feelings and chasms and mountains because of the context. Because of the landscapes against one another. Otherwise it is not desert it is simply what is. But with this wild country we live in, we are given everything. We are a part of everything. America’s landscape is ans diverse as every other aspect of it. I’ve always loved the poetry built in to the world. And I don’t just think it’s poetry. I think we ARE a reflection of the land in a very real way. The climate, the land, the movements of the bodies of sea and water shape us in a very real way.
Oh jeez. Talk about tangents. Like 10 different ones. This is why I need an editor.
And free will is a fucker.