The world is wild and uncouth.
It feels like once you make it to August you’re just knee deep in it. Summer feels like wading into some body of water…June still feels like shallow water…but by the time you get to August…you’re just up to your shoulders in water and you can hardly remember anything else…let alone imagine the water being ice. Reality is just this. And you never wade out…the water just slowly evaporates and you find yourself standing in the middle of a whole new season. Summer doesn’t fade out…fall blows in. Replaces the air and lights the leaves on fire until they just dissolve. On its own timeline. In its own way. With its own grace. You can feel the thaw of winter. But I’ve never felt the tides coming in from summer. You’re just knee deep in it and then it dissolves around you. And is replaced.
Life keeps spinning. Touching. Dancing. Flying. Filling. I am always carrying this 20 pound baby in my arms and he is always just dripping with love. Three of his cousins came to stay with Will and Victoria this past week and it was…crazy. Just. Crazy. The more time goes by the more I just want Jamie. If I had to think about another baby growing inside of me right now I would feel resentful of it for taking away my time from Jamie. I don’t know, I don’t know anything anymore.
Jeff came home. After a week. And I still don’t really know anything.
I went to the beach the other day. And I just washed myself away. And I just let the waves pummel me down and ride through me and carry me out and in. And I marveled at the fact that these magnificent tides are from the pull of the moon and the gravity that ties us all together. And that in feeling this force flipping me backwards in the water…I am feeling one of those powerful, endless forces of the universe. That weight of gravity that moves larger and faster and stronger than we can even imagine. That is a magical thing to me. Something like gravity. That is a force to be reckoned with. That is an ancient god if I’ve ever felt one. One that was born at the beginning of time…with the big bang. Why don’t people praise gravity? Electromagnetism? Why aren’t these magical? Change your perspective, change your reality. Belief is everything and the universe responds. So if we honor the very real forces of the universe, wouldn’t that be more meaningful for us all? All the sacred spaces of the earth, all the mountains, the valleys, the oceans, the trees, the air, the atmosphere. The sun, the moon on a small scale. Gravity, electromagnetism on a larger scale. Dark matter and who the fuck is that. Black holes old, ancient gods. Wouldn’t THAT be a more interesting framing of the world? These are the things worth praising. And not to contort it into astrology in a way that doesn’t even make sense. Or to commercialize it or use these words as talking points to carry some hippie agenda along that again isn’t really rooted in anything. Not to push anything other than the pure, honest, awe and wonder of the universe as a fantastical and wholly endless experience of unimaginable magic. That place where science and religion meet, shake hands, fall in love, and see each other as each other. Each pushing each other, challenging each other, and allowing each to walk a little closer to the light – together. Because science could benefit from a little bit more of an open door – the possibility for things illogical and irrational – so much of quantum theory already is. And religion could benefit perhaps from a little bit more logic, more reason. But a middle ground is just right. Neither one having to sacrifice what is truly special about themselves. Coexisting in the right way.
Which I guess is why I’m a Unitarian Universalist. It took me about 5 years of going to the church before I felt comfortable calling myself one…because I never really imagined I’d ever like to tie myself down to something in that way…I always thought it was going to take something from myself and make me lose myself by falling into some ideology that wasn’t mine. But the thing is, it’s sort of impossible with Unitarian Universalism. It’s sort of inherently built into the whole structure. UU is just an open door. It’s a group of people that all want to support each other on this strange journey through life. And everything has meaning. Coming together as a congregation has meaning because we are all choosing to just come together in wonder and awe with no answers and honor this life and honor each other. Because it doesn’t have anything to do with doctrine or dogma. We light candles of joy and sorrow and we hold each other in loving song and we inherently value, honor and foster the intelligent questioning of the world and what it all means and what religion is. And everyone really is welcome. There are atheists and believers and everything in between. That’s what it is to be Unitarian – to question and to wonder and to not know but to love the journey towards discovering. Emerson was a Unitarian. John Adams, Ben Franklin, Thomas Jefferson. e. e. Cummings. T. S. Eliot. What UU is is always going to be in line with what I believe because it is always an open book. It is a democracy and all of the members vote on all of the decisions. Everyone tries to thrive and push each other towards social justice and sustainability. It all makes sense – I have NEVER understood how a church should be preaching about morality and the love of the world and doing the right thing and not ACTUALLY be moving towards social justice and sustainability. That is where our moral choices are being made right now. Not in restricting gay people’s rights or holding abortion over people’s heads it just is completely incongruent to what is being preached. In UU, everything makes sense. Everything is going towards the same direction. Everything is open and everything is just reaching towards meaning. I actually felt sort of annoyed at UU when I FIRST discovered it because it felt like they took my idea. I felt like I had spent all this time crafting my own personal philosophy of coexistence and universal love and acceptance and the value of open ended, intelligent, reasoning through spirituality and religious ritual. And then I went to the UU church and I was like…actually resentful for a few months I think…that they had stolen my thunder. But it makes SO much sense that others have been practicing it for hundreds of years because it MAKES SENSE. They value intelligence and your OWN personal understanding of the world above all else. There is no one right answer and everyone is universally bonded through their OWN truth and their own meaning that they themselves discover. It’s transcendentalism as a religion. And it provides such an amazing community for such amazing people. Everyone there, everyone has such an open heart. And you know immediately that they value the same things that you do. And that they hold you in a loving embrace in their heart. Because you exist. And that is a valuable thing. And that is what church should be for. Singing, making music, honoring each other, providing a safe space for ALL different kinds of people, organizing ways to fight for social justice and sustainability and being reminded of the glory of life. In itself. In all it’s mystery, awe, magic and sorrow.
So today Jamie is being “baptized” there. It’s not a baptism – it’s called a dedication. And they talk about how Jamie came from all the elements of the world. And the last time I saw one it was so meaningful I cried. I’ll try to keep it together when I’m up in front of everyone.