I just…don’t want any of the things I thought I wanted…a year ago, two years ago, four years ago. It’s blowing my mind.
Right now I just feel like this wide open wound and I could see my life going in about 10 thousand different directions. Nothing feels stable at all and I don’t have a clue where I’m going.
What I’ve learned from Max and from Jeff is that I’m really fucking independent. I need a lot of time by myself and I need to be able to do my own things at my own time. I’ve never felt so controlled before…I’ve never felt like my time is being controlled before and I don’t know how to respond.
And jealousy…over every aspect of my life. Jealous of my relationship with my mother, jealous of my relationship with our son…it’s all so overwhelming. I’ve never really dealt with jealousy before and it’s really quite bizarre.
And now I understand something that I have never understood in others. This shutting down. This numbness, this lack of anything to say, this just wanting to not deal with it rather than push through it. I just want this to all dissolve. I have never been the one to put up a wall, to close down my heart. It is the strangest feeling and I certainly don’t have any control over it. And now I feel sympathy for all those people who have done it to me in my life. I don’t know how to respond. I don’t have any energy for this back and forth. I just want space and no, I don’t have any answers. At least the clarity of that understanding is more clarity than nothing at all. And the understanding of some piece of humanity I have never understood before. So many people have done this to me and I always thought it was some hardness in them…and it’s not…this is just honestly too much for me to process and I can’t. I don’t know how.
The idea of being single is bizarrely exhilarating. I just wish I could start over. I would never lose Jamie, never, not ever. But still…the desire to start over is strong. Just go back to May of 2013 and be at that clean slate again. Maybe I’d keep acting. Maybe I’d have taken the chance to actually live in Philly or what have you.
I don’t feel trapped anymore. Not at all. I feel like my life could go a thousand different ways and that is unbelievably incredible. He’s been gone for 4 days now and I have really loved the clean house, the sense of autonomy, the freedom to do what I want, when I want. The sense that my life is my own. I haven’t turned the TV on in 4 days and that has been awesome. How come after all this time…what I never figured out was that I want space? Why on earth did I think that Max and I needed to do all of those things together? We could have just co-existed. Co-existing sounds good now. What the fuck was my problem? People should just co-exist. I don’t even really see what co-habitation really has to do with love at all. Just because you love someone has no bearing on whether or not you’d like to be their roommate. And track their every move and make sure you spend every possible waking minute together. In fact that seems like the surest way to kill love. To remove all sense of intrigue, desire and romance. Loving someone has absolutely nothing to do with dominating their time and space. Of course you should hope for a fair bit of attentive overlap, but for the most part…how could I ever expect to find someone who wants to do all of the things that I want to do when I want to do them? Or who would like all of the things that I like and would want to watch all of the same things on TV that I want to or would want to listen to all of the same music that I would want to. It’s an insane standard to hold yourself to. No, I wouldn’t even expect that of the BEST, most well matched roommate. SOMETIMES you want to do the same thing at the same time…but A LOT of the time my roommates in college and I were just fucking doing our own shit. And respecting each other’s space. Then suddenly you’re involved with someone in a romantic way and there’s just totally different rules. It’s a crazy idea. It’s oppressive and old fashioned to assume that our desires are so simple and one dimensional that we will just ALWAYS want to do and watch the same things at the same times.
I don’t want negligence, no. And I don’t want to be ignored. But there is a way of showing that you are interested, showing that you care, remaining connected and letting each other live. Co-existing. And that sounds like a fucking awesome balance I’d like to be able to strike with someone. And I think it would foster MORE mutual respect between both parties. That you genuinely respect the other person’s complexities and dynamic intricacies enough that you can just buzz around each other in a delicate and caring dance. Giving love, giving support, showing affection, watching each other grow in your own separate ways and acknowledging the ways that you can grow together through watching each other. Senior year of college was so great…just knowing Max was there, getting support, keeping in touch, hearing about the day or week and yet living and growing in our own totally free ways. And missing each other. There is something awesome about missing someone. That makes tension and love and desire. And makes the moments of being together meaningful in a way that they could never attain if you live with someone. But of course, there are endless things you gain by living with someone that you could never attain either way. Obviously there are pros and cons to each. Absolute and solid benefits and negatives to both. And I don’t know how to ever perfect co-existing. Especially with someone as jealous and controlling as I am dealing with now. And maybe I am only feeling this way as a counter to his behavior. And maybe I only felt the way I felt with Max as a counter to HIS behavior. Who knows. But I do recognize that things don’t have to be the way we always paint them to be. Humans are complex and I have always been faced with the enormity of my complexities and contradictions and felt overwhelmed by the idea of ever meeting a match that would really allow me to breathe in all the ways and different facets that I want to breathe. In a thousand ways at once. In a thousand strange hypocrisies. Maybe co-existing is a good way to frame it. All at once letting go more and holding close more. Allowing someone all of their complexities – all of their hypocrisies, nuances, their space, their room to breathe and grow and do things at their own pace and not patronizing them by standing over their shoulder and making sure they are doing the right thing. And then at the same time…Being actually genuinely committed and connected in the soft, meaningful moments that matter…and finding ways each day to bring those meaningful moments into your daily life ….that is certainly something that is missing. And something that sounds really, really good. I want more and less at the same time.
It’s almost exactly like what I imagine good parenting to entail. Not holding on too close, not letting go too far. Not being neglectful, and not being overbearing. Some magical stroke right in between that gets down on your knees, looks a crying child in the eyes and tells them exactly what they need to hear to be reassured, to be comforted and to feel confident enough in THEMSELVES to return to play and to return to growth in an independent and real way. Not coddling, not abandonment.
Everything I am always talking about is finding that magical ‘AND’ in the center. The magical balance where we can actually be the fully bizarre, complex, nuanced, contradictory, emotional, intelligent and heart-filled beings that we are. Some middle ground that is more beautiful than the word peace – it is not just peace or balance I am always looking for. It is everything all at once. It is universalism.
The great ‘more’. More life, more love, more freedom, more faith, more hope, more light, more dark, more complexity, more strength, more fire. Less fear.