I love the moment the sky falls down and reveals itself. When the horizon is just dripping with color and you see the scrim of the sky begin to lower, fading the illusion of day back into night. And then you remember, we are just floating out in space. On a big swirling circle of a home. That’s a lovely trick that light plays on us. Thinking that our world is our own and not a piece of a piece of a piece of a piece of some grandeur we cannot even begin to fathom.

The moon is my messy friend and I am a messy daughter of this wide, weird world. Of the sacred earth still spinning.

And my heart is a heavy burden to bear. Lifting this thing and carrying it around me this long. I just need to see you.

Everything seems symbiotic, when you really look at it.

I got to take a bike ride tonight after Jamie went to sleep. I got to fly around through the farm while the sun was setting and glowing burning blues and pinks and I breathed in that heavy scent of summer, the last dim golden hues of tall grasses and the swollen eyes of blooming flowers. The sheep and goats hurried towards me as I passed and ants that had taken up residence on my bike crawled all around my hand in twirling, twisting dances. I just flew and bounced and felt that shakey gravel barreling beneath me.

And I miss 10 Academy…swinging myself down that canal every day and all the sun-drenched scents of the water and knowing so intimately the swells of summer and the sensation of flying and the endless chatter of the trees above me that know so much. That knew me so well. I miss the questions I was asking while barreling down that canal and I miss the fireflies slamming into my face as I tried to make my way home in the dark. I miss getting caught in the rain deep in the tow path and just sliding through puddles all the way home. Entirely drenched and entirely covered in love. The way the world sounds when rain falls into a lake.

And every time I hesitate for a moment to do something that seems uncomfortable…like diving into a pool of cold water…I think of Kristey. And I think of her laughing. And I think about how I am still alive. And what a joy it is to feel anything at all, everything at all. And how the sensation of your entire body being jolted with that alarming, splicing sensation of awakening to water, awakening to cold…is a masterful gift that makes me more alive. More awake. That makes me aware of this body. Hyper aware. Of what a strange and wonderful thing it is to be alive. And I thank her for that.

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