Your name is a melody my heart is always humming. The most beautiful two word song I have ever sung.

I just feel like I might actually explode.

Love is power and love is giving my life a thickness and grandeur once again.

Perception is such a sheer veil. After I came home from Australia and from Sicily I was always ruined for the beauty of this county. Nothing could really compare to the exotic vistas and sweeping landscapes of those wild, rugged countries. Now, after all choice and all sense of freedom have been taken from me and I have traveled once in a matter of years…a simple trip to LBI seems dramatically beautiful and endlessly full of wonder. I’m so glad to have those eyes back. I’m so happy to see beauty everywhere once again.

And the sea, mama, the sea. I’ve got to chase the sun across the sea and watch it splinter itself across the breaking waves. I’ve got to find myself in those scattered lights sweeping up the sand and I’ve got to wade into that water and let it wash me away. I’ve got to dive, in dive in, dive in and keep remembering. When I’m in it, I can always remember everything.

And the sea no longer smells of Max. The sea is mine once again. And I am endlessly floating on her majesty out to that sideways horizon I’d like to turn upside down.

I am always trying to synthesize all of these thousands of beliefs that I am comprised of. To find a coherent way to say it all. There never is.

One day I’ll get back to that place where all words mean each other.

The need as a mother has changed from wanting to create the “right” type of person…to wanting to create a love that exists here and now and throughout time in that endless space where all that matters lingers. Wanting to give the universe something to eat. To fuel the world with more love. And to give Jamie enough love that he will grow into whoever he is…for whatever reason he is…to do whatever it is he should do…for reasons I cannot claim or begin to understand.

There is a perfect unconditional love you receive from a child…not about what you’ve done or how you look or what you’ve accomplished or how you can behave in a social situation…just pure love and recognition of who you are. He loves me simply because I am. Because I am his home. And to be someone’s home…that is a weighty thing.

All Jamie ever really wants is for my eyes to meet his from across the room, to be recognized.

And I can’t believe what a big fucking mess I’m sitting in.

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