I’m sorry, I just can’t help this heart I’ve got.

So nothing is ever going to be how I imagine. And in fact life continually takes me the exact opposite way I could have ever imagined. And it’s ok, it’s ok. In the past two months I’ve gone from horror through acceptance to now this open ended place where I am ready for anything. I am ok with wherever life wants to drag me. For whatever reason I don’t understand. I don’t know where I’m going or why but I know that everything is going to be ok. It’s never what I would have asked for…but if I got everything I had ever wanted my life would be pretty stagnant and boring. My path will be rich and varied and full of passion. It’s ok, it’s ok. I am coming to terms now.

Somehow, it’s all in flux. It’s all responding and giving and receiving and I have always found that my intentions in the back of my spine are whispered to the wind and always blown back to me in some strange, unexpected way. It is far more mysterious than call and answer. Or anything simple. Or anything logical. It is bizarre, the way this world works. It is utterly bizarre. Biology is bizarre. And I still don’t know how the eyes evolved without knowing that they needed to see. All I know is that when I walk through the world with intention, with attention, with love and with trust, I receive some beautiful conglomeration of beautiful moments that I can see. And when I approach the world with hatred or judgment or fear, I can never see farther than the tip of my nose. Maybe that’s how I got myself into my funk. Thinking that somehow my powers had made me better than others. That I was special and how could no one see that. Well, arrogance has never gotten me anywhere good. And humility is always opening doors and walking me around with hope and bliss. So perhaps all the little choice we have is the simple act of intention. How we receive what strange, bizarre lives we are given.

This book I read in college about neuroscience and neuroplasticity was talking about how our brains work…and how whatever impulses are flying through our brains, they will just habitually fire down the same conditioned path that the neurons are laying down for them. This is why it’s very hard for people with OCD to change or feel any sense of autonomy. There is a sense that their brain is not themselves. And ultimately what this scientist said was that we don’t have free will, we only have free won’t. We only have the ability to stop that impulse, to put a wall up in that neuron’s firing line. And then it will inherently have to choose another path, and it will slowly start to condition itself to a new path. And everytime you block that neuronal pathway, another pathway will get stronger until that neuronal connection dies off.

I think this is huge. It says two things. One, that I cannot blame others for the struggle they find living in a brain with all of the conditioning they’ve had for however many years. Everyone is doing ther best they can. And I cannot fault anyone if they don’t have the ability or awareness to wrench themselves out of their own habituated ways…I can only praise those that do. It is a tricky mess, this being a human thing.

But two, that you can change. Anyone can change. With the power of mental force, intention…this scientist said that people with severe forms of OCD could cure themselves based on recognizing that they were not their brain and by intentionally forming new pathways in the brain. If they felt the urge to go wash their hands again…they would actively force themselves out the door and do something else. That sense of actively working against your brain is a very strange feeling, but I have done it. I cured myself of my own OCD this way. It was difficult and strange but I did it. And that power of mental force is an incredible thing. This was in Australia the first time, and then maybe my mind was hanging wide open and I just kept pushing it…and kept paying attention…and kept suggesting to it to go further and to open up wider and wider….and then it did.

But then there are just like endless questions about that…like what the fuck…if I am not my brain…what am I? Materialism and reductionism don’t account for this.

Jung’s idea of the collective unconscious is everything. But I don’t necessarily agree with exactly the way he defines it. I think the term…collective unconscious…is the best. But I interpret it in a different way than he does. Too much focus on archetypes and dream life. I don’t think that really casts the full picture.


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