i keep staring around at all the empty spaces in my life…trying to understand how on earth this could have happened to me and how i’m going to make it out alive. I don’t know anything anymore. Not a thing. Just the endless circles my mind keeps racing in and all the ways I don’t know how to get out.
And with all my complaining, and all my dreaming of the way it should be, I keep recognizing all my own shortcomings. I keep finding myself face to face with hypocrisy and all the ways I could be better. All of my faults and all the ways I have to take responsibility for my own shit. All the thousands of times I have told the story that life happened to me. When I should have let fear erase itself from my mind and spoken up for myself. When I should have walked away. When I should have stayed. When I should have seen things with eyes unclouded. When I should have been more honest, more clear, more open. When I should have stood tall on my own two feet and owned my own shit eight years ago. Been clear and concise myself. Not just waited on someone else to do it for me. But I felt too rejected and I felt like I had already put myself out there too far.
The trouble is I keep trying to stand on my own two feet and speak my mind with Jeff…and I keep getting my face pushed down in the dirt for even voicing my opinion. For even having an opinion. He just wants me to be simple. And stuck.
But what do I have to be afraid of? Ever? I’ve had my heart broken before. A thousand times. And it has molded and mended and scattered itself to the wind…gathered up new hot magma from the core of the earth and forged itself anew. It has taken every beating imaginable. And it has always curled up around the edges, funneled into a small ball and held fast. Held fast. I’ve been embarrassed, I’ve put myself out there. And I’ve been rejected. So what. What’s so scary about that. It’s far less scary than living a life of lies and forcing smiles. Nothing is scarier than this place right now. So. No fear.