Oh fuck. Oh man. I don’t know…how…to breathe. Or come to any resolution in my life. Or move forwards or backwards. What the fuck is wrong with me. I just…want some easy solution to a really fucked up and complicated situation. I want time to melt and move through me easily and silently and take me towards that place on the horizon I am going. I just want you. And I just want some sort of option that isn’t available. I just want to stop fucking around and fucking being stupid like we’ve been for 8 years. I just want to be honest all of the time. To the best of our ability. And do whatever we need to do in whatever way we need to do it in order to live our lives and have go where we’re going. But be honest. And know where we both stand. Maybe it’s mostly my fault. Self preservation. And he makes me crazy. I get crazy and seventeen. And stupid. I want some answer to an unspeakable question. And I want some clarity in an endlessly unclear situation. And I want him to write and I want him to play and I want him to live his life. But I want to see him too. And I feel endlessly like I am being a bad person but I can’t help how I feel and I can’t help that I’m living in a continually worsening situation at home. I don’t know what you’re supposed to do and I don’t know how you’re supposed to be a good person anymore. I don’t understand what the right thing for me to do is anymore. I fucking stuffed everything and said I’m going to do the noble thing which is stand by a promise I made and stand by obligation and give second chances and try to be a bigger person and forgive and move forward and let go like a grown up and not run away when things get difficult. But then I lose my best friend because I DIDN’T leave. Because she judges me for NOT leaving. She says never speak to me again I am cutting all ties with you on my wedding day BECAUSE I went through with it. And because in this day and age it’s apparently supposed to always be all about your own happiness and this preachy feminist shit about how you shouldn’t put up with stuff and people are looking down at me for STAYING. And so I don’t know how to be a good person. There is no right answer. And I am so tired of not knowing where I am going. I’m really scared of leaving him and having no way to support myself. I just…don’t…even…understand how I got myself into this situation. How people change. How people’s faces change in the light of day. How you lose people.


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