I hate how relationships get soggy at the edges and splintered in the middle and develop this horrible sickness of power struggle and control that eventually just corrodes everything from the inside out. What goes wrong, what breaks, what folds and what aches in the morning. That sublime way that someone sits on your brain and tries to crush it down.

I want a strong foundation that says I am willing to fight and struggle through the everyday mundane power struggles that walk their way through our lives. That none of it is important. There are always going to be problems, there are always going to be power struggles, there are always going to be imperfections. I don’t understand how that has never been a baseline undercurrent in all my relationships. A solid, understanding place of basic humanity and the inherent complexities of living and sharing your life with another person who has an entirely different set of eyes for viewing the world. Problems are not just ok, problems are the root of growth in a relationship…fodder for re-connection and for deeper understanding between two people. But I’ve never been with someone who looks at it that way. I’ve never had a partner who is willing to look at it as a partnership between two equals. There are always power struggles. And there are always problems – that’s a given…it’s just a matter of what you can live with and what you can’t. That threshold of patience you have and that level of respect for another person that rises above petty power struggles. Let’s just recognize these inherent qualities that come with a relationship. Swallow them, digest them, and use them as a foundation to bounce off of. To say that is not how small we are. To gauge as a barometer as to how to grow together, how to listen to one another and how to move forward.

I sort of hate the use of the word “work” in relation to marriage and relationships. “Work on your marriage”, “work on your relationship”. I think it implies something very strange and contrived. Work is never really what it is. It is just the fucking presence of heart to let go of your own ego and not need to place your own sense of self-righteousness over another’s needs. It’s just sometimes the act of trying. The act of listening. The act of respecting. The willingness to change, to adapt, to pay attention to what needs adapting to. The understanding that relationships grow and morph and adapt and transform and get deeper and sweeter with time and age. It’s cultivating emotional intelligence and looking at someone straight in the eyes for what they are…for what they actually, truly are in this moment and that moment and the moments years ago and the moments still to come. Recognizing that people are shape shifters and growers and changers and that the whole person stretched through time will never be fully visible…but this temporal slice that is shaking in front of me is a piece of a piece of a piece of a being that is too beautiful to reduce to trite conceptions of adjectives and nouns. It’s the act of loving that kernel of truth within…where all the insecurities and the need to exert ego come spilling out of some central need for humanity. For recognition. For honesty and for some embrace that says all things that can never be said in our small, limited language we have made for ourselves. The select few words we have pulled out of the wind to try to make sense of this spinning rock we are on. There is more, there is more, there is more. And it is not work…it is more profound than that. It is eye-gazing, wild-heart roaming, music-blaring connection…it is finding connection and being connected. Not necessarily by space or time…but by soul and hope. It is continually trying to find that spark of light within the other…seeing the other through the lens of love…listening to words and their truest meaning and trying to match your words to the rhythm and timbre of another’s. It is not work, it is love. And it should be fearless. I want that. If someone could commit to loving like that at its base value…maybe the little cracks wouldn’t escalate.

There has to be a better way to approach it all then all of the things I hear. There has to be some way of relating that fosters growth and more love and more heart and more connection. There has to be something better.


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