I am consistently baffled by all the negative “advice” I get about parenting…remarking to me just how difficult it’s going to get “just you wait”. But I welcome every stage, every moment, every aspect. Each stage has their pros and cons and values and discoveries and I would never trade any moment for any other. You can’t measure things like that in any objective way – every moment of growth has its own value and beauty.
Don’t you love how we are forever engaged in this game of pretending like we don’t care at all. What a strange masochistic situation we place ourselves in. Well it’s exhilarating and harrowing all at the same time.
It’s amazing to think how a year ago I was patiently waiting my time…just aching to meet you, little one…and now I have this strong wildfire in my arms. I can’t believe a year has gone by so fast. And at the same time, it feels like a small eternity. And I have no regrets…because I feel like I fully, fully committed to each stage. I wrapped you in my arms and held you to my body every second of every day for a year. I held you so long that to put you down felt like losing an appendage. And I feel intrinsically connected to you. To your every heartbeat. And I love waking up to your little face. And I love watching you sleep next to me. And I love watching you grow. And I love hearing your voice start to form inside your body. And I love that we still have so many more years together.
It seems to me a great deal of the problems we have with relationships and marriage are not to do with marriage itself…but with our perspective towards the way we relate to each other. There is very little value placed on emotional intelligence and really cultivating a true understanding of how to relate to each other. So much of relationship conceptions are stagnating in oversimplified 50’s ideas. And I agree, that that doesn’t seem to work. Where is the respect for the awareness and understanding of a human being’s full experience of the world? A recognition of the true complexities of a relationship. An acknowledgement of the bizarre twists, angles and turns that a relationship must coil itself in to to remain relevant, present and magical. So often our society is quick to place all the blame on “marriage” or some “unnatural” state that a relationship is…and maybe there is truth to it…but maybe there is more truth to the idea that people aren’t being educated in a complex way as to how to have fulfilling, deep relationships with one another. Maybe the problem is not allowing for more dynamic, open-ended and open-minded concepts of what a relationship is and why. Why we engage in such a thing as commitment and monogamy. And yes, ok, maybe it needs to be reevaluated…but every path I can walk down in my head through the world of polyamory seems to present me with the same fundamental issues of relationships. Avoiding relationships, avoiding commitment, avoiding communication and connection does not SOLVE these inherent problems within marriage and couplings…it just allows for a different set of problems.
Why can’t we recognize the inherent fact that there are pros and cons to each path? That no one need to walk to same one and that no one SHOULD. So much intensity on all sides of the people around me with such judgment towards marriage and what it implies about you if you choose to engage in it. So much vilification and so much obsession on how remaining single your whole life or remaining polyamorous your whole life is going to place you on a significantly more evolved plateau. Well I don’t know, I don’t know. And I come back to the same thoughts I had about religion. Why can’t we honor complexity…honor truths and untruths alike…take what we want, evolve, and create new concepts and relevant new ideas of what relationships, marriage and single life should be. Cross boundary lines, re-imagine and re-invigorate our preconceived notions of what a relationship is and what and how it should fulfill people. Work towards fulfillment, not happiness. Strive towards knocking down walls, cultivating love, openness and honesty and move away from fear and paralysis. Move towards the light in every way possible. Respect the positives of marriage and also honor the realities and difficulties. And move towards a new conception of what marriage should be and why. Or do away with marriage altogether and revise our concepts of what relationships should be. But move away from judgment and from simplistic, overgeneralized binary thinking about such a vital part of humanity. Tossing marriage out the window without providing a coherent and productive concept of how we should live our lives and why does not solve the problem. It is simply a bunch of 20-somethings throwing their hands up in the air and giving up on one of life’s most complex questions: how do we relate to one another? The answer, I don’t believe, lies in just avoiding the question OR in simply resting on the same preconceived notions of marriage we have been fed. We can and should find a more intelligent and satisfying way of approaching these things. But let’s stop pretending that we have become more evolved or more intelligent by building up walls, scoffing at those who still believe in marriage and avoiding the silly ‘cliche of love’ altogether. That is steeped in fear and judgment. And it’s not productive. It doesn’t provide any more clarity than a rebel without a cause. The overwhelming cynicism of our time is getting exhausting.
I don’t know how I feel about marriage, I don’t know…but I am remaining open-minded.
There will be pros and cons to every way of approaching life – single, married, poly, etc. Let’s see the curves and edges for what they really are, acknowledge them, respect them…and still chase after magic. Still chase after our ideal. That vague dripping horizon where our imagination meets fruition. There is no one answer for everyone, but let’s work towards acknowledging that, acknowledging the inherent truth of what everyone feels, and work towards a more complex, dynamic and beautiful way of approaching relationships and/or marriage. Believe, believe, believe. Have hope. Give away your fear. Believe that things can be better, more fulfilling, more satisfying, more enriching. More deeply connected. I still believe. I still believe in a life a true, real, vigorous and magical love. And I still believe anyone can find that. In whatever way that unravels for each person – through 20 partners or through one. Nothing is wrong or better…it is just the spluttering, fascinating, spinning swim towards Love in a vast ocean of human light.
There is always the lower case love and the upper case Love. And I love both.
Hope, love and moving towards the light. Working towards cultivating that blissful center where I can retain my identity, be respected for my identity, and live a life bathed in love.