Always within and without

After all this time, it’s still you and you and you and your dreams wrapped around me like ice and rhythm and momentary fragments of all moments pressing together like volcanic ash. I am remembering, I am remembering always. The origins, the roots, the subtle twists and turns of consciousness that lead me to this brain that is full of bumbling branches and billowing roots. The willowing out of wallowing. Always with, always without. The centerfold trapeze piece of this whole process is breathing you out, breathing you out, finding within all the frozen splices of lives gone lingering and listless. Love has always been this strong tower above and below me that belays me, belittles me and lifts me up higher than my body should even be able to go. I am silent to it, I am slave to it, I am always finding myself within it. I am always within and without it.
I am so behind, so lost, so disconnected for my absence in writing. But what could have been written about these past few years? Perhaps the world is always trying to get me lost. So that I may be found again.
I feel as though I have finally caught myself again. I had to row myself, grow myself, grieve, gather, clean, collect and feed myself back to myself. I have to give and get pregnant and raise a son before I could remember that silent voice in the middle of my mind that is sitting within. And now I feel as though myself and some ten thousand other colors have banded together to form this new selection of cells.

New Year

I am standing on the other side of the sea now. Watching the waves break in on the other side of time. The time has gone by, the time as gone by. You’ve been here and you’ve been there and you’ve let the wild open hands of your heart clasp onto another’s. And I have too, and I have too. And promises get eaten by the wind, swallowed by the sea and shaken out by the sun. The moon laughs and laughs and I don’t have any direction I am going but forward. Forward and away. I am standing on the other side of that sunrise now, looking west across that great ocean of could be’s. And yet they all lead me back, lead me here, lead me forward and around. Around and around, circles within circles. Oh. So that’s why I never find the end and I am never granted the end. Neither exist. Just the running in circles at the edge of the sea.

2015

Last few moments of the year I suppose. Last breaths of such a wild year. The year I got married, the year I gave birth to my first child. There aren’t really any words in such a word-filled year. There is just awe, and gratitude and awareness that I need to live in the overwhelming light of gratitude with all my being. I need to focus, allow myself into the rapture and go, go, go tunneling through the crust of the earth to the juicy good stuff in the center. I need to love love love and give everyone all of my love. I need to do so much and I need to do so little. I need to let go more and more and more. I need to stop whispering his name in the back of my throat. I need to walk towards the light and let more time grow between us like scaly tendrils. I need the light, I need the light. The wind on my skin and the magic of the world in my mouth. I need to shout it and I need to awaken it. Again and again, find it in a thousand, million ways. I need to be it. To become it. To transform it.