There is always more to be said. More to be written. But I can’t capture the glow of his eyes. The joy of his sweet noises. The patience that seems to flow around the wind. There is nothing better. There is nothing better. There is nothing better. It really has been the best 11 days of my entire life. Nothing else compares. Life is joy. Love is real. Love is real. Love is all that matters. Love is the only thing that matters. Everything else will follow from that point. Exhaustion, peace, bliss…everything will follow from love. Love is all you need.

There are no words beautiful enough. 

Advertisements

Still waiting for you baby. Still in love with you baby. Still grateful for every single day…every single moment I get to spend with you. I got to spend 20 minutes listening to your solid, beautiful, strong heartbeat. A little gift for being 6 days over due. Now it’s past midnight and I am officially a week over due with you. I have to believe deep in my core that you are coming and that you are coming naturally and sweetly in your own time because I can’t bear the thought of being induced. Please come Jamie, please come. I’m feeling pains right now as I write but I’m not sure what they are. I’m never sure what they are and I’ve been feeling them every single day for the past 3 weeks to no avail…so I try not to make anything much of anything until it is as they say: “I will know”. I don’t know much these days and I am trying to keep myself in that open place. It seems healthiest and the best place to reach out and receive the grace of the world. Staying open, staying humble, staying small. This is all amount bowing to some wild and great mystery that I do not even understand how I do not even begin to understand. It is so much bigger than me and you and it is following a timeline that I cannot even begin to foresee. I am part and parcel of a great universe of joy and mystery and mayhem. And you are a part of it. And you are it. And you are a piece of the peace of the peace that becomes you. And you are somehow always so much wiser than I am. And I am so grateful and so blessed that I get to sit and feel a sacred life within me. Someone who is in the dreaming…constantly dreaming within me. Someone between worlds and full of light. Life is bliss, life is magic, life is wonder and I cannot wait for you to see it. I cannot wait for you to experience this world that I love so much. I want to share everything with you, for you. Always with love and always with an open heart. I promise the world to you. And grace, and effort and faith. Faith most of all. Hope and wonder. That is all I can ask for your life. I’m ready. I hope you’re ready. I hope your heart is still strong and continues to beat the way it was this morning because it was the most beautiful sound in the world…and because it was full of so much hope. So much life. So much strength. And so much magic. And so much magic. And most of all- love. 

I love you, I can’t wait to meet you. To hold you, to give you everything I can…and to let your heart unfurl into this wild and wonderful world we are a part of. Here’s to you, little big one. 

This morning I am golden and dew dropped. Waiting again for the world to drop. For my life to change. Waiting for you, little one. Waiting and knowing nothing and believing everything and somehow feeling that everything is going to be alright. I am trying to tread this infinite line of faith at every moment. That at any moment the ball could drop and I would be needed. 125% of me would be needed and more of me would be needed than I ever thought possible. So I am trying to balance somewhere between calm and peace and sustained ferocity. I am trying and I am trying to keep my head above the heat and keep busy from toe to toe with projects that are meaningful and important. I am trying to find the time to get everything possible done that could ever possibly be done but I know that is futile work and I know that my life is not ending…it just feels as though I am about to jump off of a cliff and I won’t reach the bottom for 25 years or so. I am always hoping we’ll have enough for you, little one…enough money, enough love, enough faith…but apart from the first of those- I believe whole heartedly that we will. I know I won’t be perfect…but it will be perfect…our life together…just the way it is. Whatever way it is. I will walk through it with faith. I will love you with the deepest part of myself and I will find a way to always bring my best self to you. My life is a prayer for you and I finally understand the grace and meaning of service and giving. What it means to let go of yourself. And this is the most meaningful and important thing I have ever done. And I am so grateful for it. And I am so, so grateful for it. And I can’t wait to meet you. And I can’t wait to meet you. You are everything.  

Dearest sweet Jamie,

Hello my love. You’re about to be born and you have no idea just how much I love you. Desperately, desperately already. You are perfect, you are lovely, you are brave and I can’t wait to meet you. I can’t wait to meet you. To take care of you. To love you and give you this love. I can’t wait to learn who you are. I pray that you will be strong and soft…simple and complex…dynamic and wild and full of life. I pray that your eyes will see and your heart will thump and you will experience the incomprehensible magic of being alive. I pray that you will pray, one day, to the universe or the God or the love of your choosing. I hope that you will have hope, faith and light and that I will be able to share these things with you. I hope you will run and read and roll around in sweet grass. I hope you will remember your childhood with great love and that you will move into manhood with confidence and grace. I hope we will be friends and that we will learn from each other. Always, always, always. I hope you love with wide eyes and an open heart. I hope you reach for magic and find the hope and bliss in every tiny wish. I hope you listen and I hope you refuse to listen to anything that is not your truth. I hope you have a long life…full of hope and wonder and loss and bliss and transformation. I hope you experience the wonder of growth and transformation. Of laughter and of rain. I hope you create whatever it is you are made to create. I hope you hear your own song and sing it always. I hope you give back to the world and I hope the world gives you everything you deserve. I hope you get to see days of moonshine and summer rain and soft gentle snowfalls in silence. I hope your heart is full and that someone will be brave enough to take it in their hands and hold it. I hope you are full and satisfied and blessed by the grace of this great earth. Above all, for you I wish love. Love in infinite forms, out of every sublime gesture of the world. I wish childhood and grace and tenderness and I wish manhood and independence and space to fly. I wish you flight and I wish you sky. Open air and new beginnings. Over and over again I wish you life. I wish you life. I wish you life.
I love you. I cannot wait to meet you. Every fiber of my being knows every shred of your being is filled with light and love. Light and love. Light and love. Here’s to our life together. Let it begin and let it be beautiful and let it be alive.
Forever and always,
Your mother