I know exactly how I feel about this baby. I know exactly what I need to do in my life. I feel clear, content and peaceful.
I have to stop worrying about the things I can’t control in the life of this baby and just trust. Just trust that God and the universe and the great Mother will do will be right. Because it is. Because it will be. Nothing will be out of place because it can’t be out of place.
My job is to pay attention. To be aware. To give and to give and to give until I believe that I can’t give anymore…and then push through to a whole other realm of giving. My job is to love. To love fearlessly and unconditionally and without manipulation. My job is to be honest with him, to be clear with him, to be calm with him, to be passion and fire and fun with him. My job is to teach and my job is to learn and my job is to do nothing but watch. My job is to keep adjusting, keep adapting, keep evolving.
I will make mistake and mistake and mistake and I will recover and learn and relearn. I will not be afraid to fall down in festering tears and weary whimpering weakness and I will not delude myself to ever think that I cannot do this. I absolutely can do this. Absolutely. Beyond a shadow of a doubt. This is my path now and I am not walking down a dead end path. There is no fear in me.
It’s ok if things change. It’s ok if I’m not in the same place as others around me. It’s ok, it’s ok, it’s ok. Life comes in waves and in spurts and in shadows and in songs. We may meet each other again one day. But for now…I have who I need in my life. I have support and love in all sizes and shapes and ages and forms. That is all I need.
And I believe. To the core of my being…that this is absolutely right. Absolutely the right time, the right place, the right moment, the right baby. And I believe…with absolute uncertainty…that I will love it. That all women are mothers within us and that it is a horrible thing that society has even driven away from this primal connection. I believe that with all the exhaustion and horror and pain and confusion…it will be the most holy, rewarding, blessed, beautiful and primordial experience of my life. This is what I was made to do. I feel this in my core. I know this is for me. This is what I should be doing. This is it.
This is it.