And we’d all like to go back there, wouldn’t we? To the back, the beginning to the first forethought to that aching pulse at the edge of the big bang. To the edge of the big bang. Start all over. Scratch off the surface. The bubbling burning remarks of time. Peel off the ages of misguided firings and begin again. Let our skin just fall…drip…silently and sweetly like bits of wild feathers shaking off in the sunlight. We’d melt…bones, brains and barriers alike all combusting into the night. Solid particles, subjective participles, unbidden raptures of being and light…memories and condemnations…courageous actions and instantaneous revolutions of mind and body. All the things your body can do. All the things your brain can do. Release release release realize and wade out into the silent space again. And then we recreate, reinvestigate, reinvigorate. We check off boxes on our renewal sheets and we say no more houses, no more chairs, no more things, we will sit on our wings. In the new world we will symbiote. We will sit on trunks of trees and float down the Mississippi waiting for light to strike through us with warmth. We will float on chunks of rotten cloud and feel the tide twist inside our stomachs when we get ready to storm. We will learn to fall like rain when it has boiled up too boldly within our atoms. We will give back like soiled vegetables and sun-ripened sweet fruit. We will give back we will give back we will sit smiling and laughing at our younger, sillier counterparts as they pluck us off the vine…thinking they had some or any part in our growth. Thinking we were made for them. We were made for each other. The desire to give, the desire to feed, the desire to be consumed so ripe and so rife in the life of a sweet berry. So begging to reach out and transform into infinity within the confines of a mouth. So desiring to be eaten. Isn’t that why we have failed as a species? We have forgotten that the chain does not lead up to a pyramid, it spirals down into an everlasting circle. So we have nothing to eat. And no one to eat us. We bury ourselves, we lose ourselves, we sell ourselves. We buy nothing. We create nothing, the world creates us and we imagine we have pushed all the buttons. What a strange and dreary delusion this wonderball life. What a brilliant and imaginative illusion this concoction of strife. We struggle, we struggle, we struggle. We wait. We wait. We wait. The universe has better plans indeed. Let the rain fall, we need to hear the song it’s singing.
Translate, transmute, begin again. Begin again word, I say my silent prayer onto the sky. Let us begin again. Even here. Even inside these feet, inside this bones…let our veritable cores be shaken like spun silk and swept up like hot clay and molded, released and let free. Let roam, let roam and renew. Say stop. All at once, all at once say stop. Stop the buses bussing, the windmills buzzing, the sacred, scary strip malls stop seizing. Turn off the lights. Pull the plugs. Light a match. And say…spring cleaning world, spring cleaning. What do we no longer need. What weeds can we hull so that the nutrients might grow, might sublimely flourish in a way they have never grown before. Jack and the beanstalk we need not gold but growth. Not growth upward but downward- roots digging deep. Then we sit in the dark together and we see what we need. We say no more shopping malls, no more sliding silver traffic bulging in our eyeballs, no more balls of pollution swimming through our sinks. We say cut this, cut that, dissolve the factories like light. Snap our fingers and make the radiators slide off out of sight. We clap our hands and the asphalt melts…molds into bright silver clay and is softer, smoother, easier to drive than ever before. Rain patters through it and sinks into the earth. Children fall and do not cry. Streets are silent and sweet to behold. Every minute minute of our lives becomes meaningful. Becomes meaningful. Becomes meaningful.
All I want is to inject meaning back into the world. Suck out the soulless with a vacuum and clear. Clear. Clear. So I can see the sky. So you can see the Great Ones singing down from the silent night. I pray I pray I pray we reach the meaning machine. We reach ourselves. We find that center of clear unbridled power. We point it in the right direction and MOVE towards that silent horizon.
We MOVE. Now is the time to be nomads again. Nomads again. To crawl and creep and push ourselves. Keep moving, keep evolving, keep grabbing ourselves by the tailbone and shoving ourselves out the door. To say we can be better than this. We can do better than this. We have the power and the consciousness and the evolution to direct ourselves. To not stand in the darkness and shudder at the future but to greet it, take it by both hands, and let it evolve exponentially in our mutating, maturing, magnificent hands.
We have atoms to soothe and spaces and pockets of air to collude. We have secret conversations to have between our neurons and ways to shove them all in one direction and say no. The little minute no that says I am deciding, I exist, I am an I among the great We we are.
So we come back to this status of rebirth. Regrowth. Renewal. And perhaps I am one those who suggest that the big bang was not a beginning, but a rebirth. And that there are no ends, no beginnings, but marked moments in time to demarcate change. That change is the essence of the universe. That transformation is what we were made for. That evolution is the most intensely spiritual and violently magnificent action I could think of. Slow, steady, subconscious, deeply primal, wildly and anonymously intelligent (but not in the way you think I mean), silent, sacred and sublime evolution creeping through our veins at every moment. The ocean waves crashing against the tide saying go, go, go, go, go. It’s not forward- we have obsessed ourselves with forward. Perhaps it is not any direction at all- it is merely go, go, go. Breathe, breathe, breathe. Evolve, become, believe. It’s circular and it is so far beyond direction or “progress” or mere labeling words. It is that which is beyond- music, color, taste, sensation. And our words are petty, pretty, pathetic attempts to align ourselves with this majesty. Dare I say it- this divinity that is life. Life in itself, of itself, watching itself watch itself. The circle within circles within circles. The big bang which is the collapse, the creation and the re-creation all at the same time. All at the same time. All at the same time. That’s what it is again. All at the same time. We focus too much on one answer. It is EVERY answer and SO much more than we can say, that we can see, than we can be. We can be SO much more. So much more.
Laughter. Or something like it breaks the palling silence. Life carries me like a kingdom without wings. Like a radiance without light. Love follows, love follows, love follows. Time grabs by the wrists and tugs. I sit by the bay and I swallow the sky and I let light illuminate my shadows and sighs. I keep staring into that chaos hypnosis of the water wondering if I’ll ever reach something higher through thought, meditation or wonder. Wondering if all the ideals I’d held on to so tightly and brightly will ever actually bring my mind to the evolution I was so determined to believe I needed.
And we can do it and here is how. We can evolve. And now. And now. We can do it today.
Life consoles me, derails me and God stands before me laughing, laughing always laughing. I know nothing except that somehow, while my eyes were closed and my mind was sewed shut…constantly looking for what I thought I needed…the universe was screaming and shouting- look I’ve given you exactly what you need right before your eyes. And I am too blind to recognize. And I am too blind to recognize. I can only be thankful that i ever finally pull myself out of the trap. That I ever finally awaken and see. And I am constantly baffled, constantly amazed and constantly confused by the strange, remarkable and seemingly masochistic way the universe works. The answer is pain, pain, suffering is beautiful. I think the only religion that I could use to describe is that of drama- theatre, film, storytelling. Because it is the STORYTELLING and the moments of rage, beauty and horror that compose a story…that create climax, meaning, resolve, force, character transformation. I praise Janus and I praise our humanity- that wild, chaotic force inside of us that drives us to slam the table with our fists in frustration, to rise into love with wide open eyes and to shout in ecstasy at all those pleasured moments of bliss. And perhaps life would begin to make more sense if we gathered up the self-reflective nature of our threads and began to view life not as this strange hierarchy of economics and business which pushes forward up to a point, to an anarchy of success and happiness…as if the best life would be pure, unchanging, artificial happiness. No no, in fact the best life would be a wild story, a rich, emotional, unexpected, surprising, tragic and glorious story full of the depth and chaos of life. We surround ourselves with pointed buildings and narrow streets and we imagine that life should begin and end in some perfect geometry. But we don’t involve ourselves in the REAL shapes of nature. In the true shape of things which we are. Grooved, rough, uneven, wild, jutting, overgrown, hazardous, vast, expansive, tight…the forms and formations of nature…of that which we are, which we evolved from and of, which we were made to live with and as…are organic, ever changing and layered. Full of beauty, horror and awe. Full, perhaps not of chaos, but of patterns, songs and harmonies so much more wildly complex and complete than we begin to imagine. It is not that we are wrong, that our language is wrong, that our life is wrong…but merely that we are operating on a very simple plane while reality is WILDLY complex and mysterious and we are not meeting the truth that surrounds us. We are not living the full extent to what we could. We are tiny hatchlings who have forgotten not only that we have wings, but that we can stretch them, we can flap them, and that we can fly. We have not even begun to begun.
And yet now I see the scratches, I see the diggings, I see the first steps of evolution and it is SO mind blowingly amazing. And for me it is DEEPLY spiritual. And I think I have finally been able to fuse my need and desire for magic to reality…it is IN this reality where the spirit, the rapture, the wonder and the awe is. It is in the human genome project, in the analysis of our DNA, in the restructuring of atoms, in the ingenuity of sustainability efforts, in the strength and power to speak out and speak up through the internet, through youtube, through blogging…the wild globalization and what I have to say is these things are not separate…we need to CONNECT the dots…and say THIS is our religion…this is our spirituality…this is MAGICAL and this is worthy of PRAISE…this creativity which is spurning out all this transformations…that is God. And now I have to focus on all that bliss…on all that positive movement…praise that, see the huge hurricane of joy and evolution that is spreading out in all directions. And to encourage people that we ALL have everything and we don’t need to shut doors and close corners and say YOU are scientist YOU are mystic YOU are skeptic YOU are right YOU are wrong YOU are artist…and say CREATIVITY IS GOD and SCIENCE IS MAGIC and LOVE IS SPREADING and life is FULL of unbearable opportunity. We CAN do this. We ARE heading in the right direction and that is the only choice you can make because otherwise we will kill ourselves trying. We will kill ourselves trying.
I HAVE to stop judging people, putting myself and my own intellect above others…acting like I understand something that others don’t and that somehow entitles me to something. I don’t. Intellectuals and academics have to start ACTIVELY trying to bridge the gap and explaining clearly, efficiently and with graciousness the truth they are discovering. People have to meet each other on the same plane, look into each others eyes and not try to deceive one another, but try to reach one another. People need to work not for fame, but for connection and for real interaction.
There is value in everything and everyone at every moment. We need to at the same time let go of our obsessions with choice and see that we are helpless among the stars, and at the same time, take responsibility for our neurons and see that every neuron we let pass through every gate in the mind is as important as the entire universe. Let go and wake up. Breathe in and out. Both are equally important. Keep the flow and let the world glow and grow.
There are sublime pockets of magic in this world.
Respect one another. Respect one another. Respect one another. Respect yourself. Respect your body. Respect the earth. Respect your needs, the wild flow that pounds like an ocean through your brain…but also learn to let go of the crazed, filterless needs that flow in that you KNOW you don’t need.
Get in touch with your body. Use your body. Love your body. Know your body. This is your existence. This is your existence. This is what you are.
Look out the window, look out the window, look out the window. Look up. Look out. Be aware of your body in space, it’s relation to things, to other people, to the sky. Look at the sky. Watch the sunset or sunrise as often as you can- the whole universe exists there.
Listen to others. Listen to others. Listen to others. Listen to the wind. To the things outside of yourself. Get out of your own head. Clear your mind, your chatter…whatever that means for you…walk in the woods, meditate, work out, do yoga, sit quietly and stare at the clouds. Get out of the mumbo-jumbo criss-cross-crass-chitter-chatter-nonsense of the world and remind yourself of the stars. The stars you are.
Stare at rocks- the big ones, the boulders that jut out on the highway or on the shoreline…the sedentary solid ancient ones that hold us, that show you a sliced cutout of BILLIONS of years. That remind you of your beginning. That remind you of time, the vastness of space…the infinestimal and infinite meaning of you.
Be the person you want to be…make every effort, move every mountain, burn every unwanted neuron to get yourself there. To get yourself there. So much more important than anything else. If people counted their lives, their souls, their creativity, their meaning, and their value more than money (and subsequently their jobs) we would be so much more ALIVE. And isn’t that what we want? To be alive? Maybe we have forgotten that and have filled our heads with ideas of “happiness”, “success” or money…but isn’t what we all want at some BASIC, ELEMENTARY level to be ALIVE. Evolution, survival of the fittest, evolving and adapting to circumstances in order to SURVIVE. We want to LIVE…we expend and expound all of our energy to be ALIVE and then we forget about why we exist and we fill our heads with nonsense about money..an artificial value we placed on ourselves that we created out of a meaning system we created. Arbitrary, I say. Meaningless, I say. I say enough to LIVE is all you need. (Live well, mind you…I’m not suggesting we all starve on cans of beans) But why have we so devastatingly forgot the means to the means and dwell on the ends to the ends and wonder why we have no sense of depth or circular resolution to our lives.
Wonder wonder wonder. Stand in awe. Gaze in adoration. Fall in love with images, sights, sounds. Experience, experience, experience. Use your eyes. Fill your body. Relish in meaning.
And engage yourself in creativity. In creative acts. Give what you can give to what needs to be given to. Take pictures, make paintings, build things, sew things, draw things, write things. SING sing sing. Do not limit yourself because of something in your mind you have decided you are or worse, others have decided you are for you. Because you are not “a writer” or “an artist”…this is such a harmful cycle the world has gotten into which this labeling and classifying of people…when in fact EVERY person IS a renaissance man and a WHOLE person and is capable of engaging in SO many acts…some better than others…but always so much more than we allow people to be.
I had so many things I wanted to say…and it actually seems as if the world is telling me…it has already been said. Do not focus your energy there. Perhaps it isn’t enough to simply write the story of everything I believe and for a large population of people to somehow get it and understand it and for it to have a positive influence on them and how they live their life. Because the point is not that the stories have not been told…it’s the attitude with which everyone lives their life. It’s the way in which people are asleep or awake…how people interact with the world and why. And THAT is ACTUALLY what I want to help to change and that is actually a much more complicated, vague and obscure task to tackle. Thank you universe, once again- choosing the more mysterious, the most vast, the more inexplicable choice.
Eat good things. Eat good things. Eat good things. I cannot stress this enough. I cannot even begin to say how deeply I believe this. How important your body is and what you put in it.
And what was all this land doing…sitting here waiting to be discovered.
Emancipate yourself. Release yourself. Let yourself be yourself. Find your own truth. Your own sacred experiences. Your own religious rituals. Give your life meaning. It is so personal, so real, so holy. Life is so holy. Just those words in themselves transform your life. Just the connotations of words and how you apply them to your life changes them. Take the words, remove the religion. Glory, glory, glory, and praise be to life. All the meaning, half the fat.
And life barrels on like a runaway train.
Let gravity take care of you.
It is spectacular, isn’t it?
Be brave enough to let go of what you think you know. It is the wildest choice in the world.