I don’t think I will ever be able to wrap my mind around time and presence and life. Never never it is just beyond my grasp and that is the inherent loss in being a subjective being.
Maybe memory is the only thing that does exist. Pictures keep blowing my concept of presence right out the window. And suddenly I reach this moment where I’m sitting here on my couch in January looking through pictures of this presence that was SO present and is now so lost. SO lost in time. And all we can do is make meaning. And have some bizarre concept of what home is. That girl in the pictures, I don’t even know where she is. It’s not that you need to get back there, its that all of it becomes part of you all the time and you become a constant more. Constantly and exponentially spreading outwards. But its all me. All all all. Bring it ALL in do not separate it. Because at any point in time I am EVERYTHING I’ve ever known, ever thought, ever been, ever loved. I am everlasting love. Nothing is lost forever. Time fragments the presence…but the eternity- do’t worry about that. That’s here.
I am in a constant process of getting closer and farther from the infinite slices of myself. But I’m all here. I am a round circle.
THERE IS NO WHERE YOU NEED TO BE. Get out of the need for a story. This is such an illusion. Let it be CHAOS. Stop holding on. Just experience.
I will never in my life be able to hold all this love. I will never in my life be anywhere but inside of this bliss. Within these draping moments of sublime joy.
Am I ready? Who the fuck can say? Of COURSE I’m ready because I’m here, aren’t I? What more is there? Life, you are knocking me down a thousand times over and I have no defenses left. I am helpless to the course of the wild wind.
My soul is quite on the precipice of itself and I’m about to soar.
Oh just let the is-ness go it is right there.
And everything folds back in, takes a breath, and transforms.