And what will come will come will come. And it will arrive. Once you’ve gathered all your organic material and shredded your fears and ripped open your rip cage to get to your truest heart…it will just arrive.
I feel good in a way that I haven’t felt in MONTHS. And actually maybe not ever. I FINALLY feel as if my life has connected together into one. I feel in my body. I remember I remember now…I can see myself and I can see it all happening. Maybe that’s what happens in end. Maybe the dust is finally clearing and I’m finally able to see this year as a year and not just a series of seasons ravaging me uncontrollably. And I can see myself and all the things I’ve wanted and how they’re real and why.
Clarity, clarity. That’s what I’m after. Not simple joy…I want depth. Not perfection…I want presence. Not release from you or some way of discarding you…I want to let you live, let you go and I want to feel all the curvature of missing you and how you rest in me because it awakens my deep longing. And from this deepness I can travel more acutely into myself. And connection. I’m looking for connection.
And I’m grounded now in a way I’ve never been before.
And loss has its own presence. It is not an absence…but its own presence. And such illumination.
And death I think is a final freedom. I’d like to believe that I’ll finally become infinite in death.
And the air is so PALPABLE. I love that about winter. God shows himself so clearly in the air. The atmosphere cannot be avoided…the air is clear and bright and white. And it keeps waking you up. You can’t be sleepy in the cold. It jolts you into presence.
And the funny feeling is when I feel this is just the beginning. Just the tip of an iceberg of awakening that is going to ravage the entirety of my life. Other times I think this must just be the end of my life. It’s too intense. Either I will pass through to a new realm after new realm…or this is just the end of my life. I’ve always, always felt as if I was going to die tragically young. Maybe that’s wrapped up in these overly romantic ideals of my life and my story…but this year has just been too much. I don’t know how to ever ever follow it up. Being alive…EVERY day…is SO intense for me. Walking down the street…I have vision upon vision…everything is VISCERAL in a way I could never explain. I can cry at any moment or experience wild bliss. I am attentive to a point of nonsense and everything HITS me with such passion and presence…I could honestly probably make myself orgasm at any moment. I mean seriously. It’s that intense. There is NO way to explain it other than I am either LOSING MY MIND or I am seriously awakening or I am just an incredibly sensitive person.
And yeah. I almost burst into tears just being around you. What the fuck. I think we are becoming one and bonded even deeper in our shared sorrow and deep confusion. Neither of has an answer…neither of us has a release…and we’re both still stuck on each other. It’s sort of beautiful that even when we try to force ourselves out we are still so innately bonded.
Do you secretly want me to fight for you? Is that hidden somewhere in there?
Maybe things would be easier if we could get away from blame. Stop pretending like you broke me or like there’s some justification for any of this because of what you think I did or like it would all just be simple if one of us was wrong and one of us was hurt and one of us was flying around moving on at the speed of light. This seems quite right actually. I always knew this would never end simply. I remember sitting there in January and hearing the way you talked about Dana and Carrie and, well, firstly thinking “red flag!” but also thinking…This is not going to end well. But we brush these things off over and over…because we are artists and sculptors and we try to create the perfect love. And that is not WRONG. We just lose sight so quickly. But I mean of course it wouldn’t end well…how could a love like that ever just end with a handshake and a hug and pleasant conversation. It’s what we get.
At some point you have to let go, clear the way, not get cynical…and learn to see those red flags. And next time I fall in love I will speak up and call out the red flags. I will say whoa whoa whoa. Because all the problems in both Adam and Peter were obvious within those first few weeks and we brush them off that’s what we do that’s what we have to do. Peter showed very quickly that he was immensely depressed and unable to take care of himself let alone another person. But that STUPID idea that he can change or you can change him or even that it’s not that bad creeps in and then you are never quite anything but blind. And Adam showed so very quickly how unforgiving and harsh he was on Dana and Carrie. So unforgiving.
And maybe there are just people who work well together in relationships…which is noble in its own right…and then there are people who find magiclovefire for brief shooting stars amongst a mess of ruble and poetry. I don’t think I would trade any of what we had for some stagnant, stable relationship that begins and ends in cardboard rooms painted white and labeled with cliche photographs of smiling faces and yes and thank you I loved you safely. I want to love dangerously and in the mud.
And no. Maybe I’m not ready to find the one yet. I think I expressed that to him at some point…but I mean really. We’re so young. Let me flap my careless wings around for a couple more minutes. And if you ARE the one…then you will be the one. And that cannot be changed like this situation cannot be changed.
And how can I ever think that he doesn’t care? How do I actually trick myself into thinking he really doesn’t care? It’s because he puts on quite the show.
And what word can you absolutely not disprove? Belief. Because everything is belief.
And I don’t know where you went when you left me but
Says here in the water you must be gone by now
I can tell somehow
One hand on the trigger of a telephone
Wondering when the call comes
Where you say it’s alright
You got your heart right
Maybe I’ll sleep inside my coat and
Wait on the porch ’til you come back home
I can’t find a flight
We share the sadness
Split screen sadness
All you need is love is a lie cause
We had love but we still said goodbye
Now we’re tired, battered fighters
And it stings when it’s nobody’s fault
Cause there’s nothing to blame at the drop of your name
It’s only the air you took and the breath you left
So I’ll check the weather wherever you are
Cause I wanna know if you can see the stars tonight
It might be my only right
Need to feel you on the line
Don’t hang up this time
And I know it was me who called it over but
I still wish you’d fought me ’til your dying day
Don’t let me get away
Cause I can’t wait to figure out what’s wrong with me
So I can say this is the way that I used to be
There’s no substitute for time
Or for the sadness
Split screen sadness
We share the sadness