Are we all dreams and smoke screens? How can I ever trust again?
You slither up my spine and my soul is damp.
And you missed so much. Do you ever think about that? About all the things we missed…all the memories we would have had by now…walks and talks and nights by candlelight and the way we could have supported each other?
And when I die I want to take my last breath because it is the only possible thing I could do. There will be no breath left to take and my heart will have utterly exhausted itself. I am not afraid of death. It will be my final release after I have utterly devoured the sweetness of my life force. I will go back to the earth and I will finally be home. And I will be comfortable then. And I will be calm and peaceful then. The time for war is now. The time for ravaging love is now. I have plenty of time to sleep once my time has passed. But I want my love to vibrate within the world and the grass I have layed upon after my ashes have been scattered. So for now I will love wildly. And I look into every passing person and past whatever fake shell I see this gorgeous light and a beautiful soul just itching to be free. And I look at you and past whatever walls you cling to I see the most unbelievable man.
I’m angry and impassioned and it feels good. We need to stop thinking and labeling and classifying that there are good and bad emotions. And that somehow the shallowest ones are the best. Happiness only takes me so far. And in some ways…it leads to stagnancy. It plateaus and then I stop searching. I stop itching. And that is fine for a moment…to breathe in a bit of rest…but that’s what it is- a resting place. And in a world with THIS much pain…we don’t need to focus our top priority on rest. We need to be racing our shallow hearts back and forth to the edge of our walls to break them open. And all we are concerned with is this shallow crusty layer. With being happy. And being comfortable. And THAT is the problem. We are too comfortable and we have stopped moving. We have stopped evolving and stopped yearning. We have stopped even listening to our yearning. It’s too hard to let that yearning pierce us so we reside in comfortability. Everything that enters my emotional body is a gift…to be lived and experienced and gathered and learned from and let go of. Everything breathes with its own necessity.
And it won’t be easy it will be a blood bath. So smack me up against the wall and make me cower with fear and bawl and beg to be released and give and give and give until I have nothing left to give. That is when I will know that I have lived. That I am real and that I am worth this earth’s love.
And I NEED the opposition. I AM a rebel and a visionary and revolutionary and I THRIVE on the battering ram and the need to push against me. That’s why I was so in tune with myself at Hun. I thrived on the opposition and created myself out of the push and pull.
There are levels of my deep satisfaction. There are layers being fed…and simple joys and loves feed this pretty exterior…but the blood in the streets and the aching in my flesh and the creative force. Creating…in any shape or form…feeds my deepest layers…the ones past sheer happiness.
The problem is not INHERENTLY within our technological evolution. The problem is with our eyes. We cannot see. It is a level of awareness that we have lost. It is not that I necessarily think that the internet is the devil and that we must stop progression…quite on the contrary…there is so much connection that COULD be achieved that is being wasted. The problem is in our eyes and our hearts and our souls and we are blind and lost and too trusting in feeble hands to guide us so we have stopped making choices. With the technology we have…we could revolutionize humanity…and instead we use it to play flash games and DISTRACT us from our carnal call. We are DISTRACTED. And we are blinded by a pulsing white light eminating from our monitors. We are comfortable, controlled, complacent and blind. And soul-less. 1984 is starting right now and this is how it happens. It seeps in silently.
Ok seriously. We are all revolving around a giant orb of FIRE that splutters light across millions of miles to reach us so that we can SEE this world. And the circle of light literally DRAWS us towards it, pulling us with magnetic fields across the infinite darkness into its light at exactly the right degree so that we can live and be warm and survive. I mean COME ON. If that’s not magic I don’t know what is. How are we so numb that we don’t see the gloriousness of this fucking rotating earth.
We are singed with starlight and yet we insist on pummeling ourselves into cardboard boxes and plastic furnishings and styrofoam windows and cinder block wheels and peach fuzz ideas of some discarded American dream.
What does it take to tip the scales back?
And LOOK at the structural integrity of this huge beating vessel. Look at the clouds and try to tell me what they are. Show me the proof that we are nothing more than scattered memories. Let the infection bleed out. The strings have got me.
It’s a goodness and a deep satisfaction that is beyond happiness. It is beyond emotion is is just pure soul food. That’s what creation gives me. Satiates my deepest soul.
And maybe it’s just because I’m here. Maybe if I was in Northern California or something I wouldn’t feel so alone and I wouldn’t feel so special but maybe special is what I need to feel right now. To get me to the place where I can learn to use and raise my voice and fight and create. And I know that I need to feel the opposing force…so I hope to conciously place myself…at least for brief periods of my life…in places that infuriate me and places that make me cringe to that I can dig up from the ditches within myself all the juicy bits of glorious rebellion that I need to fuel my fire. It’s good for me. USE IT. Use whatever fuel you are given in whatever way it comes to you. Start to see the fire crackers EVERY where.
It’s funny because maybe Adam and I are both getting what we needed to really reach who we really are. I can’t really say because I don’t know what he’s going through…but I know what I’m going through and I know as hard as it is…it is SO good for me. I mean good for me in the deepest way…not in the easy way or the simple way or the seeming way…but in the deep, deep trenches of goodness. In the dragging up of your whole self. And it takes a really long time to see…but I’m starting to see the whole story itself and I’m gathering my strength and my fuel and I’m learning from everything and I needed to be dropped. I needed to get what I always ALWAYS needed…which was love. And he gave that to me. But then I needed to shed my blinders…purge the foggy ideals that dragged me around in circles…learn to keep what fire, faith and hope is really powerful…and find myself again and again and again. I thought I found myself in Australia…and I did. But what I stupid concept…”finding” yourself. As if you’re not yourself all the time. It’s not finding so much as unleashing. And cultivating. And shedding. And maybe he needed to be knocked on his ass from his mistakes as well. I don’t know. I hope he’s getting what he needs…I don’t know what that is…but I genuinely hope and trust that he is somehow growing from this as well.
And if our love was ever as strong and as pure as we hoped…then maybe years from now when we are in the proper places in time we might meet again with our new skins and old words and same eyes. Or maybe he was just another catalyst. A passing presence to learn from…and to catapult me into an even deeper sense of self and love and wisdom. We did give wonderful things to each other. We did heal little pieces…we broke lots of pieces…but breaking is such a valuable thing. Shakes you up and drives you out of your skin and forces you to rethink and rehash and rebirth again and again and again.
And I’m writing again. I’m writing so much. It’s been so long since I’ve written this much. What is worse than being in pain is being barren and uncreative. And I know you’re the fuel. And I thank you for that too.
And yeah. I need to be knocked on my ass. Over and over and over.
And yeah I’m transforming again. And when I’m done I will be different yet again. And who knows. Maybe we’ll transform again and again and when I get back from Italy we will ACTUALLY be the people that we needed to be for each other…not what we thought we needed. I don’t know. Or maybe Adam is just the springboad to all this self discovery and to who I’m really supposed to be with. I don’t know.
Give voice to my dwindling matter. Our ability to give voice to the world both defines it and creates webs of worlds within worlds that feed themselves and delineate an entire circumfrennce of being and meaning that simply could not exist without language and words. Words cling us to our tiny circles as well as thrust us out into planes upon planes of ingenious and imperfect realms. They weld unlimited weapons of new creation and new destruction without which we would stand splintered and unmoving. Language sets us in motion.
I am dangerously close to harnessing my own power. There is something in the touch of my hand on this robust wood that can never be translated. No language has the proper words to describe the utter experience of rippling perception and the transitory presence of myself and the objects that whistle around me.
Our embodiment both creates our unique mind and being while at the same time trapping this mind within a space that can only see itself through reflections and mirrors and never truly quite see the whole of a circle. The earth itself can only be half lit up at any one time- and yet, the earth rotates and that light spreads over the entirety through the vortex of time- never all at once, but in pieces and gathered moments of presence. I can feel my brain seeping out of me.
Feed your soul. Your carnal core. Words call me out from the secret caves I hide my wounds in.
Is it harmony?
It’s soul. This body and brain and mind- words for soul.
See what is in front of you. Adam is showing me parts of himself that he wants me to see. What I need to see right now. And either he is truly out of control of his emotions and just unable to give…in which case…how can I be mad at him for what is out of his control? And why would I want to put my heart in the hands of someone who cannot control their emotions and their actions? OR he IS fully capable and in control and is choosing to make things this way…it which case he is also not the kind of person I would want to entrust my heart to…or maybe it’s a little of both but I cannot know…and there are things for me to learn and there are reasons for me to LISTEN. And to SEE. Use your senses and be aware of the world that is spinning you.
And there’s a certain amount of spiritual, mental and sensational stamina I’m gaining. I thought that Australia was this fluke magic that I had to hold on to and I was SO wrong. It was just the beginning. It was just the TIP of an awakening that I’m hoping will continue for the rest of my life. Days used to be EXHAUSTING. I would use up all my mental power and I would pass out at 8pm in Australia. And EVERYTHING grows. These days I don’t even have to try to experience the wonder of my eating…it just happens and I can’t stop it. I can feel realms that I never even knew existed and I can focus in ways I never imagined and there is so much stimulation and it only feeds more stimulation. And I don’t even remember what it was like to NOT be like this. To NOT feel connected to the wind and to the trees and to be aware of everything that I put in my body and to be hyper aware of the space that my body is taking up. It isn’t even that my life is reaching for the more anymore…my life just IS more…and it will continue and continue. You stretch your brain muscles and get it in shape the way you stretch your body. You practice opening your heart everyday and soon it is a cavernous room. And the more attention I give to my awareness…the more aware I am and the less I need to force it into any place and the more easily it just flows. Everything grows. Everything begets everything. You can train yourself to be more aware, more awake and more alive. And this is just the beginning. This is just the awakening.
And everything feeds everything. Dancing and stretching and connecting to my body opens my awareness…and being aware helps me focus in class…and focusing in class stretches my mind…and stretching my mind widens my imagination…and widening my imagination allows me to have more wild experiences when eating. It all feeds each other and it is all round and it is so important to feed every part of yourself. Be aware of EVERY moment and gather organic material from EVERY encounter.
It is SO important to stay round. And I must remember to continue to connect with people and bounce my experiences off of them. Talking to Kara is so helpful. It would help me so much to be able to talk to Adam about my experiences and let me know that I’m not going crazy. But alas. Talking about it and verbalizing it and finding ways, even in the smallest bit, to describe it all makes it all more real and less flowery and more connected to something physical and present. And talking to people gets me out of my head, knocks me on my ass, humbles me and allows me to remember how much more is out there…how it is not all about me…and how many different eyes there are out there searching. And how connected we all are. And how I am just as important in their life as they are in mine. And we are all real together.
I mean when I was with Adam there wasn’t any real need to write. I had someone to bounce my nonsense off of…and I didn’t have time to write. But it’s SO important. I can clear things out so much easier with writing than with speaking. And as much as I miss being able to connect with someone who really knows and really cares and really understands…feeling the need to write and being able to satiate that has its own beautiful value.
Even still…I need someone to keep me grounded…otherwise my head just wanders into the atmosphere. I’m trying to keep my feet rooted and to look people straight in the eyes and see them seeing me and know that I am not alone.
I was looking at Kara and trying to find where she is. Whether she was in her eyes…in that deep darkness…and then I realized for a moment that her eyes were just an organ being moved by her brain…and so was her mouth…so where was Kara? The brain running it all? Are we just talking to projections and pieces of flesh? Are we in these deep expanses of darkness in our pupils? That’s where we seem to think we are. We look into each other’s eyes because we both see the world from that perch but where are we really residing? In the entirety? Well I can’t see the entirety of Kara…all the imaginary bubbles that are floating into her mind while I’m talking to her…I can’t see the memories that she’s running through I can’t see much of her at all except this moving flesh. And we carry around a thousand things in our exteriors and I don’t know where I really am because I’ve left so much of myself so many places and this flesh is just a souvenir. Just a memory box. Just a compilation of all the air that has touched me. Or this mind? It is an immaterial breeding ground for all things infinite in nature. And there is no neurobiolical connection between my brain and my mind. Neurobiologists think the mind doesn’t exist. Well what the fuck? There is a missing link. Soul is just the word I use to cover EVERYING. Everything I am. Every memory and every bit of my mind matter that floats and my imagination and the things that you simply cannot tie down to empiracal, measurable matter. The intangible experience of being alive. The tiny piece that does not fit on a scale. Dark matter. All of my brain and all of my mind and all of my heart and body and the places I’ve been and the light that I feel in my chest…all of that combined…just like God…I don’t have an adequete word…so I say soul. But I don’t really know what it is. And soul is an over used and misconceived word…but it’s the only one I have. So I say soul but I really mean the utter mystery of being sentient and touching another being and standing on a world in motion. And I say God but I really mean the entirety of existence and nonexistence. The word for that which cannot be comprehended. Our language has no words for the kinds of concepts that I obsess upon. The ideas that possess me and this inexplicable feeling in my chest that woke up and has since not gone to sleep.
And in the end…I want love more than I want to be right. I have bliss so I should live bliss. If no one else can see it than that is all I can do. And I want faith and patience and I should not feel ashamed for that. That is beautiful and if I can live this beautiful life that I have been given with as much bliss, glory and love as I can…then maybe somehow that love will spurn more love…and above all things…I think that this world really needs now is love. So let me be love.
And I can’t take on the pain of the world. At some point I have to let go and forgive myself. There is only so much I can do and there is only so much I can see. I am here. And there is beauty in comfort and there are beautiful things about this world we’ve created if we can find the light…transform our blood into love. I can only live my own life. And love is better than all things. And this bliss is something I need to preserve. There are ways we can find to connect and awaken…and there will be loss but I cannot know. I cannot know anything but not ALL is lost in this life we live now. There is much to be healed but that is only an opportunity for a greater love to be born. So do not fear the love that is bound to come sweeping through your heart if you allow it.
And anything that is created in me must be able to be translated into love. I must always bring it home. Any experience that takes me away I must always use to bring me more present HERE. When I think about my yearning to do more…at some point I have to accept that I am here…I am only here for a short period of time…and I will soak up my presence here while I can because I have NO idea what is around the next corner and because THIS is my gift. This presence and this love and this home. It’s GOOD to be home. So be home when you’re home. Be away when you’re away. And at all points…be here.
I feel you there and the languid shapes of your perfect body. You still make me feel beautiful. I don’t know how, but you do. Thank you, thank you, for finally making me feel as if the tension has lifted. Maybe that was just coming from me…but I didn’t feel the weight tonight. I needed to feel that. So thank you. I saw you in the light again and that is all I need.
And maybe it’s because you are a part of me and I want to keep myself beautiful…so the you that lives within me I like to keep beautiful as well.
And in the end I am silly. Life is silly and we are all bits of wandering light. I truly and deeply believe that we are all good and beautiful at heart and it is nieve…but as long as I am young and free and can still believe I will hold on to it as long as I can. It has taken me to great depths and wild heights and I trust my own faith. I have no right to judge anyone as less than myself…who am I to think that I know anything? I’m glowing again and it feels gorgeous to glow so let me glow while there is still light in my veins. Maybe THAT’S what the world needs and THAT’S what I can give. Let someone else be disgusted…the fact that I can STILL find immense beauty is the TRUE gift.
Slow down you crazy child…what will come will come and all I can ever see if the tip of my own nose.
At some point, again and again I have to put my weak words down and just let go.
Patience, patience…give me patience. I am young and naive and just a fragment of a falling star. At the end of the day, let me humble myself and find peace in my own blissful love. I am love.
Slow down you crazy child
You’re so ambitious for a juvenile
But then if you’re so smart tell me why
Are you still so afraid?
Where’s the fire, what’s the hurry about?
You better cool it off before you burn it out
You got so much to do and only
So many hours in a day
But you know that when the truth is told
That you can get what you want
Or you can just get old
You’re gonna kick off before you even get halfway through
When will you realize…Vienna waits for you
Slow down you’re doing fine
You can’t be everything you want to be
Before your time
Although it’s so romantic on the borderline tonight
Too bad but it’s the life you lead
You’re so ahead of yourself
That you forgot what you need
Though you can see when you’re wrong
You know you can’t always see when you’re right
You got your passion you got your pride
But don’t you know that only fools are satisfied?
Dream on but don’t imagine they’ll all come true
When will you realize
Vienna waits for you
Slow down you crazy child
Take the phone off the hook and disappear for a while
It’s alright you can afford to lose a day or two
When will you realize…
Vienna waits for you.