Today I dance for freedom. I dance for the scars. I dance for my breath and my body and because it’s the only thing I know how to do. Today I dance for me.
God is the illusion. God is the everything. God is existence itself. And no it isn’t God. That isn’t the word I’m looking for at all. That’s the concept because it’s the only concept I have but what it is is everything. The flesh of the universe. And it is everything that exists and everything that only exists in creation. It is this force flowing through everything. I am not a battery opperated toy. It is the something that wakes me up in the morning. It is the thing that recharges me without being plugged into a wall. Where is this energy coming from? It is the spark of the spark and it is not only the spark but the existence of all of us. We ARE the eyes of the world. And the ears and the voices. And the creative forces within the plants and trees…they are the parts of God that create. God is all. It’s not God that’s not the word but I don’t have a word for it. It is us and it is within and without all of space and time. God is looking at me through everyone’s eyes and speaking to me through every vocal chord. It’s this story that we’re all creating. It’s OUR responsibility. And the reciprocity comes from the energy we are given. And maybe that life comes from nature or God or from our own bodies or maybe it’s all the same flesh. All of existence is all of God represented. Poking out and peeking through and speaking and silencing we are all existing at the same time and every broken thing remains broken and every healed thing remains healed ALL at the same time. And we cannot fix America. The America that we’re fighting for in the future will be a different America. THIS America will always be broken.
It is ALL an illusion and it is ALL real at the SAME time. It is all hypocritical because it all wheels back on itself and it all connects in a way that we cannot fathom.
And I keep looking at the past and future as if they exist. As if they are not here right now, tangible. I am ALL of that. I am not this being that exists here but I am a continuum. I am the past and the present and the future all in ONE. I am the perspective I was yesterday and the eyes I see through today and the ones I will have 5 years from now. This is all ME. This word for this part of a story. This description of a pair of seeing eyes. A vessel of senses and memories held together by a force. The force is God and the force is mine and the force flows through me to you. It is here and there and no where at all.
We just don’t have big enough eyes. We can’t see the whole story. We have to see this universe from every single edge and crack with a thousand different eyes in a thousand different places and times. So we have all been born. All of us throughout all of time to create this story. To tell this story. And to learn to see this story for what it is, for what it means and for what it represents.
And it HAS to be personal. Because that’s what we are and that’s the only thing we know how to be. But somehow we have to connect. And that’s the magic. The you and the me and the connection between. And if my own pain gives me wild fuel, then use it. We have to learn how to USE it. Harness our mysterious mess. EVERY single bit has meaning. We have to live our lives like a play because that is what it is…it’s all an illusion. We dress ourselves in costumes, we perform for each other…and maybe someone is sitting in the dark laughing at our jokes. And in a play…EVERY word has meaning…every moment is crafted…and everything flows with INTENTION. Of course everything happens for a reason…and we create the reasons. We assume roles and the play keeps moving with a force of its own. At some point there is a whole objectivity to the play that you can only see from the audience. Maybe God’s got that and we just have our breath. But no I don’t believe God is a person. We are the people parts of God so of course we think it’s a person because that’s all we know how to conceive. But we are not made in God’s image…we are not causal…we are the life itself. We are all the eyes all sharpening. We are all seeing.
And it has to be visceral. That’s the only way anyone will wake up. It has to be personal, emotional and visceral. People don’t respond to graphs and charts and numbers. The scientists can keep telling us that some abstract global warming is happening but until we can no longer breathe in this air we will not get it. I keep getting it now. I get it and I get it that I do NOT get it.
And he can’t. He can’t and he can’t and he can’t. And I don’t know WHY. But I don’t need to know. I can’t know. I can only know the depths of my own heart. And trust him.
And this is part of our WHOLE story. Yes. I want it all. I want ALL the juicy bits. I want the heart throb and the butterflies and the wishful dreaming and I want the lazy days waking up for hours in your bed naked. AND I want the heart break. I want the crippling songs and the moments sitting in a dark theatre all by yourself feeling your heart coming out of your chest. I finally saw you tonight. I saw you wholly…all of you. You are there. You are not gone, you are not changed. It’s just that we are beings in motion. And you have travelled. And this is you and that was you and what you will be tomorrow is you. And you see the world with your own set of perfect green eyes. Who ever thought that we could ever all see the same world? Or that one vision could ever be clearer than the other? I fool myself every time I think I know anything. I am only seeing my own visions in my own being with my own eyes.
God is free will. I wish I had the right word for it. It is all words. It is the yes that drives us forward. It is the illusive objectivity.
I find more reality in illusions and more illusion in reality. Especially in illusions that acknowledge that they are so. Like theatre. Science likes to pretend that it’s something more than theory. But it’s all THEORY. We are all artists. Some of us have more reason to believe that our evidence is fact. But we are all magicians, artists and actors creating our masterpiece that we will never see.
And it’s all belief. It is ALL belief.
It’s ALL of your colors. And these are just the worst ones. There are lots of momets that feell like the end but that’s an illusion too because its never over. I wish I could see all of your colors again…not just these darkened hues. And seeing the worst parts of you helps the most. Makes the bandage just rip off.
So today I dance with the fire. This is not about spite. Too shallow. This is about strength. And exploding my fire. Standing in my own glory for just a moment.
“Dance when you’re broken open, dance if you’ve torn the bandage off, dance in the middle of the fighting, dance in your blood. Dance when you’re perfectly free. All I know of spirit is this love.”