Oh FUCK yes I am alive. I am a dancer. I am a beast and a beam of light and a catastrophic song to the wind. I am the absence of fear and I hold nothing behind my shadowy doors. I pierce the shape of longing with my feathered tongue and I cascade down peaks of puzzles and prime real estate. I cannot remove this beast within my chest and I do not hope to ever live without this divine and bursting force that corrals me from far above and deep within. I spring forth out of the edges and dredges of captivating words of thoughts of slight whispers in the dark that do not speak and do not know but tell all thing like this like that like screaming little birds that do not wish for anything more than this freezing pool of carbonated breath. Oh it’s that deep juxtaposition in my soul of the sleepless pining and the lifeless wonder that circulates my breath. Captivates all cells and moves them outwards in the direction of directions. Rights moving rights, lefts speaking new names for old places, buried civilizations in the sands within my scalp. Uncomfortable words that speak fire to my darkened corridors. Hospital beds and other lost cliches that seep into fervor. My friendless searching dissonance. That pull from the push that leads to the closing of another door within a door. These doors are leading to windows. These pretentious cliches give way to nothing more than a rushing sound. A shrieking pulse and something hidden underneath my toes that does not know the earth but reaches around it, picks it up off its axis and removes all toxins from your worn out ties from lies from gently wafting curls of words you’d like to think could move something in me that wasn’t already yours. You took my heart that night and you never put it back in quite the right place. It moved restless out into the world and scratched out moment by moment each piece of some photograph. I can’t see your face…the shapes are all blurry but I know that you are there because when I look at it I can feel distinctly the way your eyes followed me. And then things started to get fiery and then I could all at once feel your heart within my heart. One and one two sides of the distant moon. And now I’ve got both and neither and you’ve got all and nothing. And we have separate hands that ache to touch one another across this ditch you’ve dug. Come and get me. Come and get me. It’s not that far to climb across. I am outstretched and breathing fire.
Oh no, this force is not slowing down for even a moment or a breath. This force moves every particle. Things are just heating up.
I am living my last day on earth every fucking day. One day the moon might just take me.
Oh and Love. If you could only know a fraction of the love that is within this universe. It is fierce.
To know what it feels like to dance with your whole body and soul. This is the greatest gift I have received. Something was moving in me tonight that I have never known before. When I dance I enter another space and everything is real and everything is tangible and everything is my body and my body itself aches to be within my body. My skin peels apart from itself and settles back down on the bone a little safer than before. And as soon as I am done the heat that radiates through every pore purges my tunneling, toxic heart.
And I’m starting to understand why Mark and Ellen tell me I’m only doing 30% of my potential and why I don’t know how to give any more. It’s because you keep waking up. You keep passing through curtain after curtain. You burn up all the energy you could ever POSSIBLY fathom you could ever have within every crevice of your body…and once you do that…you find that the expanses of energy are limitless beyond anything you could have conceived in your silly head. Every time I hit a wall there is MORE and more and more. And this is only the beginning. I am getting more and more and I have no idea what MORE there is awaiting. Each time you pass through everything you need to get a wider and more captivating set of needs and the old ones dissipate. One day I will need nothing more than my own soft, shouting prayer caught on the limbs of trees. There is such a MORENESS to life that is literally mind blowing. Like walking through a constant stream of flowing and glowing sensorial stimulation.
EVERYTHING is hitting me now. You train yourself to feel and then slowly but surely…one day you can feel EVERYTHING. I am hyper aware, hyper sensitive and fucking on fire. More than I ever knew was possible. Driving in a car feels like flying through space…I am connected to the vibrations in the seat and the motion of the flying world. Listening to music takes me into hypnotisizing sensations and touches right through my skin to this deepness in my chest. Eating is literally a wholly, physically, spiritual experience that can take me to any place, any time. I can control the energy and the visions that swell into my mind and direct them. I’d love to be able to act right now…I can literally call upon any experience and feel it within me. Memories have been coming to me in such visceral ways that I’ve never known before. They come all around all at once and I can practically walk through them…I go through pictures on facebook and tactically feel every inch of the pictures I’ve lived within. It’s entirely visceral. I don’t know what it means…but I am wholly, divinely, serenely, drunkenly and wildly aware every moment of every day. It is EXHAUSTING but the best journey I have ever been on. This journey of waking up my deepest soul. I don’t know of any previous history of this happening to anyone…but I should look into it. I don’t know if it would make me feel better or worse if there was some reassurance that this is rational in any way.
I’m reading the Spell of the Sensuous for religion and it is absolutely changing my life. He expresses much of the same things I am…not to the extent that I do…but it makes me feel comforted that this is not wholly delusional and the onset of schizophrenia or something. But gosh this book is INCREDIBLE. EVERYONE should read it. If everyone could read it and take it in…I really believe the world would change.
I’m either literally going crazy or literally experiencing human evolution. Or I’m just experiencing wild and devastatingly beautiful illusions.
And it’s growing just like everything else is growing. Like once I start writing and bleeding out myself and I get it all out I find there are wells and wells beyond I could even KNOW that just keep surging. The more I write the more I HAVE to write and the more just starts spilling. When I dance and I think there absolutely nothing more I can give I suddenly find I am only on the threshold of what is within me. And every time I think I’ve grasped all I can feel sensorily…the world just pounds into my flesh and I am awake and I am awake and I am awakened deeper than I ever knew existed.
I LIVE the poetry. I actually FEEL worlds within me. I cannot possibly explain what happens in my sensorial experience but it is UNREAL. My soul is wild and limitless and I have learned how to connect my brain to it…so I can give myself…my whole feeling, being, bodily experience a concept…a drip of imagination…and then I can actually feel that coursing through me. I’m not sure if I can explain it fully. I can’t yet. I will find the words someday. Maybe even be able to explain to someone else how to do it. That sounds so silly…like it’s a magic trick or some gift I’ve been given to share. I don’t know what it is or how I’ve harnessed it but I just wish someone could know what it is that happens within me just for a second. But then I really can’t say that I know anything about anything or that the magic that I feel is anything less than anyone else’s. I have no idea what it’s like to be anyone but me. So how I can say anything to anyone?
Live within the glorious motion of your own perfect soul.
At some point I began to give everything meaning and then with a gradual and blissful awakening…every meaning began to drip with glorious tangibility. And soon I could touch my dreams and taste my own beating life. I can breathe in my own messy meanings.
We went to Chestnut Hill today and my heart ached for you. And I felt whole within those aches. And it was the best fuel for my own self worth. Sometimes I get glimpses into what we might have done together by now if we hadn’t broken up. It’s sad and beautiful. I saw so many things I wanted to buy for you today. I would love to be able to go Christmas shopping for you. We would have been beautiful.
I walk around this apartment just to feel the shape, contours and curvatures of all things that are mine, theirs and ours. Just to feel myself within this life that we’re living together. The wide open dishwasher, the teetering pile of dirty dishes, the torn papers and scraps of plastic that litter and fill our floor. We are all here just floating, flopping and filling this place. We are all these things and they are all of us. I am solid here. I have breadth and glittering impact. Possession. Isn’t that what we’re all after? To possess something? To have something solid in our hands. And everything true is carried off in the wind with the rest of the shining litter.
And everything is all just feelings. Projected feelings and feelings of feelings. Illusions of truths and moments that give me the feeling of freedom or the feeling of release or purging or the feeling of utter brokenness. But nothing is ever lost. It all exists and it all lives. The feelings move from place to place and never quite begin or end they just seem to float above our heads like webs of clouds that intertwine us. I feel them in my chest and they pulse within my veins. And yet they are immaterial and stuff of stuffness.
I’m getting ready to scream. I walk through the chat and I just want to scream. Scream loud enough for people to wake up and hear the echoes of their own dreams. Dreams that do not include bad television commercials and phone service providers and wasted breath on petty judgments. This is surely not the life we all want? Surely we want fire? I’d like to believe that of humanity.
I move slowly and rapidly through the barricades of my mind and the tricks it plays on me to make me believe that I am living some sort of linear life. The delicate streams of knowing you are something beyond shape and color and time. I am blissful cataclysm.
I’ve waited my whole life to be this person that I am.
“I am coming to realize that I should like to feel special. That I should like to make my mark upon the world. And that I don’t want to have to apologize for it.”
Just do the steps that you’ve been shown
By everyone you’ve ever known
Until the dance becomes your very own
No matter how close to yours
Another’s steps have grown
In the end there is one dance you’ll do alone
Keep a fire for the human race
Let your prayers go drifting into space
You never know what will be coming down
Perhaps a better world is drawing near
And just as easily it could all disappear
Along with whatever meaning you might have found
Don’t let the uncertainty turn you around
(The world keeps turning around and around)
Go on and make a joyful sound
Into a dancer you have grown
From a seed somebody else has thrown
Go on ahead and throw some seeds of your own
And somewhere between the time you arrive
And the time you go
May lie a reason you were alive
But you’ll never know