So. We just watched a movie in religion class on the Australian Aboriginals and I nearly had a heart attack. I was sitting there squirming in my chair feeling my insides bouncing off every corner of the room. And when the pictures of Uluru flashed across the screen I literally felt that deep red part of my heart open up and glisten. It was unreal. I honestly believe the aboriginal creation stories they are SO profound to me…and yet I cannot make sense of them in any rational way towards my own reality.
That’s what did it to me. That’s what happened. The land got under my skin and into my veins. And what it gave me was this deep and unceasing connection to everything. It is unbelievable. Literally unbelievable- for I cannot seem to make sense of it in any empirical way.
How did I get here? And when? I feel like I’ve been dropped into this body from a great distance. Uluru is so present in me. There is this great light that I cannot get out of my chest and it just glows.
And I think tonight…and through the past few months…I’ve finally been able to reconcile my own thousand lives. The need to be here and the need to be there and the urge to give up my life and live in the land…and the love for my own life. And that’s OK. It’s OK to want to live my own modern life. That was never something I could wrap my head around…I felt almost guilty for not being able to give everything up and just move to the rain forest. And even beyond the fact that it would not be productive…that there is so much for me to contribute to THIS world…it’s also OKAY to love my life and my land and the heritage that I have in fucking suburban New Jersey. That doesn’t mean I am any less of a wild spirit or any less devoted to the earth…it means that I can also love and respect MYSELF and the life that I have been given. There is something lost. Something inherently lost. In just being in this life…in this time. I will never be aboriginal…I will never reach my native roots of this land. That time has passed. And there’s no way that I can resolve that it was all wrong. That everything we’ve done has been wrong. There is always inherent loss in every gain. Inhales and exhales. But this time will pass too. And all I can do is live this life that I’ve been given…gather from all the things that have arisen in my path…all the knowledge I can acquire and all the love I can touch. And try somehow to piece it together…weave my own creation story…and send out hope into the world. Into the hopes that we will all wake up and save ourselves.
And I can’t go back and we can’t go back. But America can’t go forward like this. Something has to change. We have to find someway of getting back to our roots and incorporating them with our steel structures because otherwise…without anything to tie us to this earth we might just float off into the sky.
Science seems to drill into our heads that we are automatons. That we are no different than computers and robots because we are governed by laws. But the laws of nature are the same ones that move the wind. And the motion that graces this earth is WILD and untameable and beyond anything we could measure it with.
And THIS is my native land. This is my country. This is my home.
I need someone who’s willing to get deep into the earth with me. Who’s willing to dig deep into the blood of this land and get lost in the wind.
And welcome to December. It came in a flash and a spark and a torrent of rain. I love the rain. I can’t believe I’m here already. But at the same time it feels right. I’m ready for it. I’m excited for Christmas. I know it will be sad and hard without Adam…but I will just have to be patient. And I’m sure this is a hard month for Adam…and I wish I could be there for him to at the very least hold his hand. And I wish I could be there for him this week…to pump him up, support him and celebrate with him…but I will just have to do it silently. And then comes January. No idea how hard that will be…but it will come when it will come and I will hold out my heart in the wind and remain open until there is nothing left to see. November was beautiful. A month of love and pain and rain and falling leaves. I really never imagined any of it would turn out like this…but here I am with my flesh and life is still dripping with just as much beauty and wonder as it ever was. So I will accept it and continue to breathe in whatever oxygen floats towards me.
My concept of God has radically changed this semester. I really don’t even think the word fits anymore. My concept is so far beyond anything patriarchal. It is entirely earthly. The air itself seems to present itself in this perfect way…invisible and yet binding…present and clear…and then there’s this force of gravity that pulls us to the earth. And then the air moves and becomes wind and feeling the wind on my skin is the most divine thing I can think of. Entirely mystical…like a deep language speaking to me without words.
I have something to say. And maybe it’s been said before and maybe that’s because it’s worth saying.
It’s fucking gravity. It’s fucking BREATHING. Breath is the most mind blowing thing to me. It gets INSIDE of you…this wind and this air and this atmosphere comes INSIDE of my body…gives me the oxygen I need from the plants around me…and gives back to the plants the carbon dioxide that they need. There is a reciprocal relationship that I cannot escape no matter what I do. I am innately connected to this very air like an IV drip. We breathe in what the earth gives to us and we breathe out what we can give back to it. It’s inherent, innate, and natural and it is our very life force.
Is being sustainable REALLY that uncomfortable? Is it REALLY that hard to change those little things? At the very least…start small. Are we THAT entrenched in convenience that it’s going to take Manhattan underwater until we can see that it’s time to stop using plastic bags? It’s not about being trendy…it’s about saving humanity. Isn’t that enough?
It is the highest form of self-respect to admit our errors and mistakes and make amends for them. To make a mistake is only an error in judgment, but to adhere to it when it is discovered shows infirmity of character. ~Dale E. Turner
Watch you when you say
What you are and when you blame
Everyone, You broken king
Watch you change the frame or
Watch you when you take your aim
At the sum of everything
Cause you and your heart
shouldn’t feel so far apart
You can choose what you take
Why you gotta break and make it feel so hard
You draw so many lines in the sand
Lost the fingernails on your hands
How you’re gonna scratch any backs?
Better hope that time will take our lines away
Take all our lines away
“None of those other things make a difference.
Love is the strongest thing in the world, ya know.
Nothing can touch it. Nothing comes close.
If we love each other, we’re safe from it all.
Love is the biggest thing there is.”