I missed my father for the first time in a long time last night. I do miss my father. His green eyes- my eyes. Some nights we played backgammon and fell asleep in the same blanket. He fell asleep on the couch once when I was 5 or 6 and I covered him in a blanket and tucked him in. I miss that man.
I suppose maybe it all comes from this concept that I can’t accept that my dad changed. Did he change or was he always evil? I can’t rationalize in my head…the father I knew and the dad that abandoned me. I can’t piece it together…I can’t find the moments of change…or maybe I can’t accept that my whole childhood was a lie. It doesn’t make sense it just sits on me like a fuzzy mystery with no way out or in.
Are we always just rehashing our deepest pains in everyone we touch and please? Am I always just looking for my father? I’d like to believe that the courses of our human psyche is more profound than that…that Freud is just desperate for a simple answer…but maybe its quite profound in itself. I really want to reject the idea that my father’s abandonment has ruined something in my heart forevermore. But there really are wounds that never heal…there are things we cannot take back…there is harm done to this land that can never be reversed and there are wounds left on my heart that can never quite be made peace with.
We have utter choice to accept the beauty of our life or not. To create the beauty. We are truly free to see whatever we wish to see. That is the part of the puzzle that I find most beautiful. Maybe its not true…maybe some of us truly are locked into pieces of our brain that won’t let us free…maybe there’s no free will at all. But if there is, then this creator is a TRULY generous being.
Everything is waiting, at all times…just to burst.
But maybe…just maybe…the spirits are just hiding in the trees waiting until we are ready to meet them again. Maybe love does heal and my heart, once broken, always scarred…can be lifted into new light and the empty spaces can be filled with new eyes and new smiles. Healing can never truly heal, perhaps…but transform. Rebirth. I do believe in that. I believe in transformation, rebirth and love with all my heart.