And in the end…blind faith can only take you so far. It holds you close in comfort and in winged fantasies that fill the world up in color and flashing lights…but it still holds you captive in its powerful hands. The darkness holds such illumination. Or if not direct light…rest for your eyes to see clearer in morning. I look at the sunset today and see a great illusion. A perfect illusion. Life is caught in the beautiful reality of true illusion.

Shake out your skin with doubt. Cleanse it in the soft melodies of questions and let them expand your world past the presence of your own presence. 

And maybe love and faith is not enough. Not on an ultimate scale…but not everything is ultimatum. Sometimes the small details come in just to breathe and then to leave you with more confusion. I can see clearly within the depths of my questions now.  

The earth cannot breathe through all this concrete. It bandages it up and ties it down. America has lost its magic. It is not so much that we are hurting the earth…but we are hurting ourselves. We have lost the ability to see and we have covered up our mother and filled in our pools of knowledge and torn down our truths to replace them with strip malls. We have traded our magic for gold and the gold has run out. The whole world is in a recession and we are STILL too blind to realize that we’ve gone too far and it’s time to turn back. Actually, I think we really have gone TOO far and there’s no possible way to turn back…the grass has grown back over the path that we took and we cannot see anything more than the same path we’ve trodden in front of us. How do we get out of the jungle I have no idea. Maybe we learn, not to cut them down, but to climb the trees, grow our wings and take flight off of them. It is not so much a matter of saving the earth…the earth is strong enough to save itself…it’s a matter of saving ourselves. Maybe that’s the only way it will get through to anyone…once it is about saving our own humanity and not about the other…for we really can’t seem to wrap our heads around caring for the other. I’m seeing now…looking at the mountains…they will ALWAYS be strong enough to survive…it is we who much learn to heal. And it is THROUGH healing the earth that we heal ourselves. Even if we pushed all the red buttons and detonated all the nuclear weapons and we were all wiped out…I have this hungry feeling that the earth would survive. The earth would laugh at us, shrug its sad shoulders and give itself rebirth.

Maybe this is already the thousandth try. Maybe lots of others have come and gone on this planet and all failed a thousand times over. We should all be forced to learn about the history of the earth itself because it is MIND BLOWING. It once rained for a million years. The earth is SO mind blowingly powerful and it is only a small piece of this ENTIRE universe. We are so silly to ever think that we could actually destroy this place. The only thing we can destroy is ourselves. I believe in this earth and I am so so sorry to everything we’ve done to it. I am weary with grief. I pray that the earth wakes us all up and we remember how to live. Let’s make magic again. We are just pieces of pieces of pieces lost.

I don’t really believe any of these things. I’m just living in wonder.

Let’s be whole again. I ache to be reunited with my mother. 

That’s where I am- in the reflection on the glass. 

Maybe this is the last of my lives, and that’s why I feel so close to the edge. I don’t really believe in reincarnation in such a way…but I get so baffled by my own bliss and I cannot account it to anything else. Maybe it would make sense that I’ve already paid my dues in other lives and was finally reborn in Princeton. It’s a funny thought. Maybe we’re all just evolving together.

But we are so intricately connected. We are one in the same. I wonder if the mountains would miss us if we were gone. Do they hear our calls? Does the rain dance to our music? Have we really lost all ability to listen to one another?

I close my eyes and listen as hard as I can to the call of the wild. All I can hear these days is the hum of the electric currents sending fire to my brain. Let us silence ourselves for a moment to listen to the whisper on the wind.

 

You just winked at me like my father used to. Don’t do that. It makes my heart heavy. 

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