I spent a fair amount of time today sitting in Chestnut Hill with Casey reading about neuroplasticity, drinking coffee and smiling from ear to ear. I have never been more excited to be home for the Christmas season…there is no where I’d rather be. Going today I was really afraid that it would be really hard…but as soon as I got there it was as if some fog lifted from me…my life is my own. And every memory I have is my own and every bit of love I have accumulated is always with me. Adam’s still there and will always be there with me…but I can choose to let it haunt me or let it uplift me. He loved me perfectly…with patience and openness and with his whole heart…for as long as he could. I am so thankful for everything he gave me. I yearn for him…but it is no longer a yearning for the past. Chestnut Hill belongs to me just as much as it does to him. I yearn for the present…to be wholly and fully accepting of the change that is inevitable in each and every breath. And in the end…love is the only resilient thing in this universe. It defies all and even when life has blown reality to bits and our brains get fuzzy and our hearts get weak…love is still there resting in the silent spaces we cannot touch. Love waits patiently and screams loudly. Love reaches down into the depths of our polluted brains and does not force but sings. Love will be there tomorrow and today and yesterday and in all my memories of you the only thing that I can really grasp is the depth of our love. I don’t know if anyone will ever love me the way you did. But I can love myself with that same force and give it to the universe, everyone around me and whatever parts of yourself that still stand in the light. When I have been broken…the weakest and best parts of me come out. And those weaknesses for love are in fact the strongest. They cannot be broken no matter how much I try to unthink them. And as far as I get in wrapping my head around the physical and metaphysical processes that may or may not be happening in my head…the circuits in the brain and the firing of neurons…I cannot wrap my head around the great mystery of love. I mean I can give it reason and I can pinpoint things and I can trace things and formulate speculations and I can force it into a box but I cannot get the true feeling out of my chest. Maybe that’s just because I don’t want to but then that want itself is a beautiful wish.
The moon sparkles out at me and the glistening of cobblestones whisper into my heart a resounding yes so soulful and unrepentant that all I can do is stop and thank the twisting air that I am alive.
I think Adam and I could only really love each other through this. Maybe all this is the only way to purge all the delusion, fantasy and dishonesty our relationship was founded on. It was born in secrecy and deception…then one dishonest cover to the next…him telling me he wanted me to be free…me not being honest with him…then spending months apart filling it all up with overly romanticized ideals that we could never live up to…then spending months trying to get back to January…honesty was lost. The truth of our love was hidden and now nothing can be seen at all. Everything is foggy and we allow ourselves to live in lies because the truth hurts more. The truth that we might really love each other.
I don’t think the issue was genuinely with US as people…or with ourselves changing…but with the sheer disillusionment of the way the world changes…the reality of love…and the constant groping for the past. And dishonesty. So yes. Maybe this is what we need…sooner or later something with that much dishonesty was going to break. And if we can find our way through this…now…or years from now…that might be the only time our love could ever REALLY live. In the light…honest…clear and no longer shrouded in illusion. We’re uncovering and sending it out into the light right now. Seeing how strong love is. Or maybe that’s just me. But I believe to the ends of the earth and that is not something I can get rid of. Nor is it something I ever think I should.
So here’s to love. Messy, polluted and pure. All things and always permeating.
And I’m still not sure what I’m trying to say. It’s all recycled words and I’m not even sure if any are right. But I will keep writing until all the edges begin to fall into place. Or fly out and leave me with only a ghost of whatever may have been true once.
And there is no point in trying to figure it out what went wrong…because it already went…I’m just trying to savor that brilliant blue piece of my heart that still holds on and believes in forever. It is beautiful. And I will always believe.