If you’re looking for a moment of clarity…stop. It’s not going to happen.
It seems to be that there is simply no objective truth. There are no decisive moments…only a series of small decisions made over and over that all lead to some eventual erosion. There are things that push and pull you and there is what you push against. So what do we make decisions from and what can we REALLY trust? My emotions are fleeting…my thoughts come from a myriad of wells…and my reason can never truly know all…just fractions that are ALWAYS emotionally tied to everything.
And what part of myself am I actually in control of? There are sometimes feelings as if thoughts arrive from some distant carrier. Those thoughts are seemingly not mine but just some devlish foe to weed out. Sometimes it feels as if there are a thousand different selves…a thousand different lives I’ve lived and which one is my own? Or which one is the truest? How can I judge anything?
These have been the hardest lessons to learn…and who knows if they are really something I’ve been given or if they are just concepts that I am creating. It seems all there is these days is stimulus and reaction. The meaning is made.
I walked out of my Caesar audition and felt utterly baffled by life…a feeling of almost…what have I done? Or why have I waited this long to decide…what have I been thinking? And I wandered out and just sat in the grass in front of the theatre for a long time just waiting for a decision to come. Or for something to finally become clear. And in fact…it only got fuzzier. But planes kept flying over the theatre. One after the other…more planes then I’ve ever seen. And it was the first time I’ve ever been able to see that the world speaks much more vaguely than one would like to think. The plane itself is not a “sign” one way or the other…but it is what it provokes. I can look at the plane and feel great joy or great dread and that is all it can do…and even THAT is not a decision or cannot be trusted. I can know only SO little. Not even hardly anything. Words are words and we give them meaning…dragging ghosts down from some collective consciousness that seems to be floating in the ether just above our foreheads. I am lost.
I must in fact be wary of moments of “clarity”…for the illusion of clarity is perhaps no where at all. The only thing I can be sure of is NOTHING. The answer is the confusion itself and what you pull out of it.
And there is no decisive moment. There is no one thing. This is not one decision…but a summation of a thousand decisions all leading down one path. And same with Adam…there was not ultimately only one true moment of shattering…but a series of cracks that all eroded the riverbanks to the point where water could no longer flow peacefully for him. And I myself…I am a summation of all that I am. I am not one thing but infinite.
And even of THESE revelations I can make no great objective truths because they TOO are situational. Everything is subjective. We are all tied so innately to tiny fragments of minuscule revolving worlds and if there was to be one objective reality we could NEVER get at it or we would cease to be human.
There is a great disillusionment seeping into my veins but it is exhilarating and it is not in fact, the opposite of faith…but the bravery to see clearer. And even that, I’m sure, is wrong. I know nothing. It seems EVERYTHING IS faith. We believe EVERYTHING. It is all theory, speculation and vague stabs into the darkness by a group of beings lost in space and spinning infinitely in circles.
I must continue to everyday give up these concepts that I will ever be somewhere. I am always in motion. Or know something. I will always know nothing. Or become something that I am not. I am always what I am.
And I am genuinely conflicted. Release me.