It’s the most cliche shit…but that’s what life IS. Just when its absolutely too much…go further. When there is nothing left in your heart…give more. When you’re most sick of everything…keep going. And it’s not just going to keep being up and down and a give and take that makes sense. This world makes NO sense and right when I hit rock bottom that is when I am most home in this world…most honest with my true self and most close to REAL change. I am living with pain everyday and it is
I was sitting there today telling Kara the same thing I’ve been telling her for months…and I realized she’s just NOT listening. She’s not listening. She’s not changing. I keep telling her to let go and to trust herself and that she has what it takes OVER AND OVER and she’s STILL in the same place she was a month ago. That’s such a hard thing to accept but SO important. Nothing I SAY can change her. I cannot make her let go. It’s SO frustrating that not everyone can see and that we get SO blinded so easily. And I cannot change Adam. Nothing I say can make him see anything he doesn’t want to see. I cannot make him be honest with his feelings. I cannot make him do anything. Why is that SO hard to understand. And yet we still try. We try to comfort with words…we try to make people understand…but we can’t even SEE people. We only see reflections of light. And we only hear what we want to hear and we only say what we think the other person needs to hear. And we keep talking like our feelings are objective and like there is some ultimate truth we all work from. And as if there IS some equilibrium we’re all supposed to be working from and that somehow that equilibrium is happiness. Everyday is destroying everything I ever thought I knew. Like fighting my obsessive compulsions everyday that the universe gives me pain and I take it. And this concept that we are not in control. Our perception is our reality and we have the PHYSICAL ability to change our brains. It’s difficult and it takes time but I have actually re-wired my brain. And I’m reading my neuroplasticity book for religion and it just seems like information that everyone should know…we are all in control of our minds and our minds are EVERYTHING and we have the capability to CHANGE them.
The days are short…the sun is fleeting…but the air is fresh, the wind is enlivening and fall is fucking GORGEOUS. The trees are on their final leaves and the season change is the most profound thing I’ve ever experienced. I am in love with fall. It’s a shame Adam couldn’t be here for me finally falling in love with fall…I think he would have really enjoyed to watch it. But maybe it was because of him that I really began to appreciate it.
I love you. I miss you. I’m sorry. I ache for you. And I’m so grateful to you for giving me the love that you did. It is the best gift in the whole universe.