It’s about being here. It isn’t about getting anywhere else. Wherever we are going…we will get there. It’s not about what decision will be made about Italy or what will happen about Adam and I. It’s about being able to LIVE in THIS moment…in THIS mystery. And for me to find peace and clarity WITHIN this moment…THAT is all I could possibly know right now. So that’s all it is. 

It’s not about knowing whether God really exists or not, that seems entirely a moot point. It doesn’t even matter. If we knew, his existence would cease to be miraculous and if we don’t know than we can NEVER know and it is less about being sure and more about LIVING and breathing and BELIEVING inside of an ABSOLUTE mystery. My belief is not about ends, it is about a means. Yes, it is about creating meaning but we are meaning making machines and we give magic to the trees that sit while all their leaves fall off them. They don’t even do anything…they just let gravity and wind take them away. I learn so much from watching the trees. AND from realizing that I am not a tree. That I have the ability to move and mess and force my leaves off and force the birth of new leaves on but in the end…the truth may be that I am still powerless against gravity. In the end I am still just breathing in and out. 

It’s about this absolute nonsense and finding yourself WITHIN it at all times. Moving and unmoving. It doesn’t matter whether its fall or spring. It’s about letting WHATEVER decision that happens be. It’s about believing fully and wholly in a world of a play when we KNOW that’s just a PLAY. It’s about living a life when you KNOW you’re going to die one day.

We all signed on. We all know the rules, so let’s play the game.

Let it be. I will NEVER have the right words.

 

It’s about nothing at all. 

And if I let him in, let them all in…I am whole. I do not want to reject any part of myself. I am all of me. And I am a perfect mess. Chaos. God is in the chaos. God IS the chaos. 

When I take my hands off the handlebars and let myself fly down a hill I am whole.

I’m letting it all in now. Letting it all out. And finding myself in constant motion and never quite here or there. But always I am real.

Everything seems to be an illusion. 

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