I called you and I don’t know why. My fingers pressed the buttons it didn’t feel wrong I just wanted to. I wanted to destroy something. I wanted to rebel. I wanted to break this facade.
I don’t want to do what’s “right.” I don’t want to put all my energy in ALL the time to being okay. I just wanted to break once. It feels good to break.
I wonder why you picked up and why you sounded so nice.
I want the negative energy out out out. And some of that negative energy, believe it or not…is caused by not being REALLY honest with myself. By FORCING myself to be OKAY and perfect and wonderful and mature all of the time. Sometimes we just need to dial the number for no reason at all and just concede defeat. I don’t really have anything to say…I don’t really need to know anything…I just wanted to hear your voice and to just talk. I just wanted to call you.
I don’t want to accuse you or be angry or talk about things or get into it…I just want to talk to YOU.
I just need to keep moving forward and letting go and part of that is this incessant need to bounce things off of other people. To talk about it and dwell on it…it’s the WORST part. And sometimes its so helpful…and sometimes its SO counter productive…I need to learn to see and acknowledge which thing is happening when and learn to just STOP talking.
I am just SO exhausted.
And I am SO sorry for making the worst decision of my life. And for ever leaving you. Looks like these decisions we make are always illusions. And maybe I’m less real now than I was a year ago. Who knows. Nothing is real. I doubt everything. And that’s life. And that’s glorious.
I know nothing.