I just wiped out. Totally totally FLEW off my bike and my bike landed on top of me and I just laid there on the sidewalk and let the pain wash into me for a long time. And for a moment I thought…I don’t believe. And the SECOND I had that thought…someone came by and started picking up all my stuff for me and helping me up. There is no sense to anything.
Follow the pain. Be with it. This is my life. This is my blood. Sometimes you need to just wipe out. Fall the the ground. Break down. And those are some of the most beautiful moments of life if you can let them in. And there is NO answer. There is no answer. There is no sense. There are no nice conclusions about Adam and I. There are only gaping holes filled with light by day. And filled with darkness by night they are still full. Everything is nonsense and if we can accept THAT and live and breathe inside of it…then we are truly human. It’s just breath. Exhaling and inhaling and this is life. And it is SO far beyond my weak words.
Thank you for giving me EXACTLY what I needed. As simple and as silly and sometimes awkward as it was…it was ALL I’ve wanted and needed. That’s it. Just to talk…normally and simply. To be let it for just a moment. To let ourselves breathe. Clearly we CAN be friends…we do get along…we connect deeply and we love each other. I just needed to see you. See YOU…just pull myself out of all the illusions and see clearly for a moment. That’s what all the clawing and reaching has been for. That’s all. Just to sit in that place and see you and talk to you and acknowledge each other and our life together. That it was real. It wasn’t imagined.
And maybe it really is just a time thing. Maybe I’ll go to Italy and let you decompress and find yourself and maybe next year you’ll be in Philly and I’ll be here and we can start again. MAYBE. Maybe not. Maybe I’ll go to Italy and you’ll go to France and our lives will drift and it will just be this moment that existed in this hidden, secret run down apartment near the train that breathed momentarily and went up in flames. I don’t think that’s what I want…I think that would be heartbreaking. But life seems to be heartbreaking at every angle and the falling leaves tell me that it’s ok. Or maybe none of these things will happen…maybe we’ll just be friends. I have no idea…but today gave me hope that this SHIT is not the ONLY answer and that with time, it too will fall by the wayside. With times, all things will pass…I’m just not sure how far down the river this will float and if it will float too far to ever find again or if it will circle round and float back to me. I’m not quite sure if we’re in a river or a lake. But in the end…Hope is all I need. Not necessarily hope FOR one thing in particular…not in any direction…not always trying to get somewhere or reach some vague sense of equilibrium. Just hope for hope’s sake. I have to stop TRYING to get somewhere and just be here. With this pain. WITH this confusion and accept that there IS no answer and THEN I can be free. Free in the resolve that I am never and always free.
Doubt is where it rests now and it is not just okay…but it is the most humanly real and viscerally “true” thing I can grope for.
And above all, it ALL resides within hope’s giant wings.
Let yourself fly again.