I am going to be OKAY. And no…maybe the first step to rush to isn’t clearing him out completely…because that just doesn’t work…maybe it’s just slowly making steps in a direction…any direction…and seeing where it leads. It WILL take time. It will be painful. It will not happen over night…but maybe the day will come where I’ll stop wondering and wishing.
I literally had a magical performance tonight. It got to the last few lines and almost felt as if I was coming out of a wind tunnel and realized I hadn’t been thinking about the fact that it was a performance or acting…the WHOLE time…I wasn’t trying to control it it was just literally coming. I mean really and honestly the magic that they describe and that seems so wildly unattainable. And when I got backstage…and everyone was screaming and hugging and saying that it was a perfect show…I felt this HUGE release. Like I had finally achieved what I have always been trying for in acting and that need left me completely. We always want what we can’t have and then once we get it the need evaporates. I’m sure if Adam and I got back together eventually we would lose sight of the deep need we feel now. Just like that desperate need for one another while I was gone…just for one moment…for it now to come to this. It’s shocking really. But truly…I feel as if I’ve reached something I’ve always wanted…and now tomorrow…I have no needs…no expectations…I can just truly go out and play.
It’s odd…but it’s really wonderful to be around him…it fills me with a healing energy…there’s no delusions…there’s just reality. And the reality is freeing. And I know deeply and truly…that I’m okay. And so is he. Or he will be. I so desperately want him to be okay.
I’m not bitter. I’m not scorned. I love him deeply. I miss him. I want the best for him…if that REALLY means a life without me than I can live with it. And tonight was wonderful…but also showed me that it’s not enough to make me stay. Vanities really might have been a wonderful shooting star. Beth and Carrie drive me NUTS. I cannot believe what Carrie did tonight…I really can’t. It’s really really over between us. And I actually understand where Adam is coming from…Carrie really is full of the wrong intentions…I feel a fool for ever putting trust in her again. And in the end…what I found to be most true and rewarding…is that I literally cannot write off anyone wholly…everyone is truly beautiful…and no matter what…I was able to let go of what Carrie did and walk into the party with my head held high and move past everything. And that is the kind of strength that is really a wonderful discovery.
I miss you most in the sounds of the train passing by. It really hurts then.
I feel like I’ve matured a thousand years in the past few weeks. I’m really a woman now. And I thank Vanities for that, mostly.
And maybe none of it is about him after all…maybe it’s all about my journey…and what I can discover through this.
And one thing I have, at least…is that DEEP passion for performing back. The deepest of loves. And I promise…I will not give up on it. I will continue to ride this wave as far as I can. And I feel as if I have truly given all of my whole being to this show…so I have no regrets…and if this were to be the last show I would feel okay with that…so in that way…I am completely free tomorrow. There is nothing I HAVE to do…other than enjoy it and let it flow through me, fill me up, and explode me.
I’m ready. I’m here. I’m free.
I am beautiful.