And just like that…in a flash and a breath…it’s all over. Drops you, really. Months of work…a whole world created…a whole life given…and suddenly it all vanishes. And I feel a thousand different things all at the same time. I feel depressed…a deep loss…and I feel wildly free…incredibly proud…and joyously full of magic. 

I discovered SO much. I grew 10 times my size…and I think I genuinely matured. I really feel like a woman. 

I want to live my life with that much commitment…all of the time. I really don’t think I’m ever given myself more wholly and fully to a show. And it has never been more rewarding. Honestly a perfect experience…the cast, the crew, the costumes, Paul…October was the most incredible month. Unbelievable strength.

It all evaporated and I don’t even know if I’ve ever felt that free. Like I was falling into an abyss. Incredible and terrible. And I could literally take off and fly at any moment. We went out to pizza box and I engorged myself for the first time in too long and breathed in the best air. Then I wandered up to Stiteler to watch the sunset…and sat there and wept and wept. Such a profound release. And I think I grew 5 years today. Then there was some ridiculous alignment with my walk back home and Adam’s driving past…and I have no idea why…I don’t know what any of it is for…but on that walk I think I realized I have to go. Maybe it’s because everything here seems empty now without Vanities and I’m experiencing some post-show depression and there’s nothing left to distract me from my heart ache for him…but I really think I have to go. Unless some miracle falls from the sky…I really should go. 

And I burst into tears today right at the “I’m scared” part and then Taysha did too…it was fucking magical. I don’t know if I’ve ever cried like that on stage…honestly and truly. 

But God…there’s SOO much I can do now. AAAH. I feel SO free. And so sad. I think bittersweet is the word. But mostly thankful…for the entire experience. Every second of it. 

I am SO. WILDLY. EXHAUSTED. I can’t even move. 

I felt utter connection. A real world around me. Every breath and word that came out of my mouth created imagery and beauty around me. I could hear and I could feel and I was present. I was there. My imagination was soaring and I could feel my presence in every inch of the theatre. Every cell in my body was awake and was receiving…calling and creating all at the same time. I could literally feel strength in my veins and magic coursing through me…and the floodgates opened up and everything began to flow. Opening night was by far the worst show…I wish everyone could have come this weekend…the show absolutely transformed. This magic is within me and if spreads and opens EVERYTHING. Everything is mine now. I did it all by myself and I am truly an independent woman now. 

And this magic never ends. This is a beginning. And an ending, of course…but mostly its an incredible growing. I really do believe I can do this. In some small fraction of life or time…in some way…this is not the end. It’s part of a never ending, unfolding process. 

And the 60’s are always with me. This was the most incredible world to step into…dance around in…and breathe with. I am SO eternally grateful. So grateful. It was exactly what I needed and I will never stop thanking the universe for giving me strength. And I am deeply and truly proud of myself. No regrets. 

Laughter is an energy we all need. Healing power. 

I haven’t sat and relaxed like this in SO long…I don’t even know how to do it. 


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