The human condition might be the most beautiful thing I could ever conceive. But that of course, is because I’m a human. But I say yes.

And even in the darkness… everything seems to unfold just as it should. And maybe that’s just a feeling. And maybe that’s all  it needs to be. Just unbelievable trust. 

And for the first time in my life I feel emotionally clear in a way I’ve never known before. I want Adam wholly and truly…in an unselfish way. In an uncompromising way and in an unclouded way. It isn’t an overly needy desire or a desperate wish…it is something clear and strong and true and almost enlivening. Strengthening. To know that kind of love…whether for someone else or for yourself…that is something I’m willing to fight for. I want to go through hell…wade through the mud…and drown out the fire before I would ever give up or let go of something so beautiful. Maybe that’s just a feeling too…but that seems to be all we have. No objectivity I can see. Just feelings and faiths. Facts we create in this fiction. 

And Bogad sent me a message today, in response to my request to him coming to see Vanities, but being unable to due to his baby:

I want you to break every available leg, I want you to use all your breath and let it become your will and then I want you to ride the crest of a high and beautiful wave. No matter what show, no matter when, no matter where, I am incredibly proud of every runaway who returns to their true home. Never stop making theater.

 

Hope and beauty and poetry is EVERYWHERE. I have INCREDIBLE people in my life and incredible and infinite love. I’m going to live forever with this heart I’ve got. 

And in the midst of this deep and devastating longing…there is a hope stronger than any light that burns brightly and beautifully. And that is a bigger sign of love than anything I’ve ever felt. And if there is logic in this world…than love is surely divine. And this hope must be sheer magic. Trust it.

Burn.

 

Somebody force me to care

Somebody let me come through

I’ll always be there 

as frightened as you

to help us survive being alive.

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