And just like that…in a flash and a breath…it’s all over. Drops you, really. Months of work…a whole world created…a whole life given…and suddenly it all vanishes. And I feel a thousand different things all at the same time. I feel depressed…a deep loss…and I feel wildly free…incredibly proud…and joyously full of magic. 

I discovered SO much. I grew 10 times my size…and I think I genuinely matured. I really feel like a woman. 

I want to live my life with that much commitment…all of the time. I really don’t think I’m ever given myself more wholly and fully to a show. And it has never been more rewarding. Honestly a perfect experience…the cast, the crew, the costumes, Paul…October was the most incredible month. Unbelievable strength.

It all evaporated and I don’t even know if I’ve ever felt that free. Like I was falling into an abyss. Incredible and terrible. And I could literally take off and fly at any moment. We went out to pizza box and I engorged myself for the first time in too long and breathed in the best air. Then I wandered up to Stiteler to watch the sunset…and sat there and wept and wept. Such a profound release. And I think I grew 5 years today. Then there was some ridiculous alignment with my walk back home and Adam’s driving past…and I have no idea why…I don’t know what any of it is for…but on that walk I think I realized I have to go. Maybe it’s because everything here seems empty now without Vanities and I’m experiencing some post-show depression and there’s nothing left to distract me from my heart ache for him…but I really think I have to go. Unless some miracle falls from the sky…I really should go. 

And I burst into tears today right at the “I’m scared” part and then Taysha did too…it was fucking magical. I don’t know if I’ve ever cried like that on stage…honestly and truly. 

But God…there’s SOO much I can do now. AAAH. I feel SO free. And so sad. I think bittersweet is the word. But mostly thankful…for the entire experience. Every second of it. 

I am SO. WILDLY. EXHAUSTED. I can’t even move. 

I felt utter connection. A real world around me. Every breath and word that came out of my mouth created imagery and beauty around me. I could hear and I could feel and I was present. I was there. My imagination was soaring and I could feel my presence in every inch of the theatre. Every cell in my body was awake and was receiving…calling and creating all at the same time. I could literally feel strength in my veins and magic coursing through me…and the floodgates opened up and everything began to flow. Opening night was by far the worst show…I wish everyone could have come this weekend…the show absolutely transformed. This magic is within me and if spreads and opens EVERYTHING. Everything is mine now. I did it all by myself and I am truly an independent woman now. 

And this magic never ends. This is a beginning. And an ending, of course…but mostly its an incredible growing. I really do believe I can do this. In some small fraction of life or time…in some way…this is not the end. It’s part of a never ending, unfolding process. 

And the 60’s are always with me. This was the most incredible world to step into…dance around in…and breathe with. I am SO eternally grateful. So grateful. It was exactly what I needed and I will never stop thanking the universe for giving me strength. And I am deeply and truly proud of myself. No regrets. 

Laughter is an energy we all need. Healing power. 

I haven’t sat and relaxed like this in SO long…I don’t even know how to do it. 

This is a glorious gift of a day and if I can find some way to glide through it…ride the crest of a high and beautiful wave and not drown in it or strangle it…that will be a beautiful thing. Some immeasurable, magic balance. You can’t keep any of it. 

Trust and live.

Breathe.

I am going to be OKAY. And no…maybe the first step to rush to isn’t clearing him out completely…because that just doesn’t work…maybe it’s just slowly making steps in a direction…any direction…and seeing where it leads. It WILL take time. It will be painful. It will not happen over night…but maybe the day will come where I’ll stop wondering and wishing. 

I literally had a magical performance tonight. It got to the last few lines and almost felt as if I was coming out of a wind tunnel and realized I hadn’t been thinking about the fact that it was a performance or acting…the WHOLE time…I wasn’t trying to control it it was just literally coming. I mean really and honestly the magic that they describe and that seems so wildly unattainable. And when I got backstage…and everyone was screaming and hugging and saying that it was a perfect show…I felt this HUGE release. Like I had finally achieved what I have always been trying for in acting and that need left me completely. We always want what we can’t have and then once we get it the need evaporates. I’m sure if Adam and I got back together eventually we would lose sight of the deep need we feel now. Just like that desperate need for one another while I was gone…just for one moment…for it now to come to this. It’s shocking really. But truly…I feel as if I’ve reached something I’ve always wanted…and now tomorrow…I have no needs…no expectations…I can just truly go out and play.  

It’s odd…but it’s really wonderful to be around him…it fills me with a healing energy…there’s no delusions…there’s just reality. And the reality is freeing. And I know deeply and truly…that I’m okay. And so is he. Or he will be. I so desperately want him to be okay. 

I’m not bitter. I’m not scorned. I love him deeply. I miss him. I want the best for him…if that REALLY means a life without me than I can live with it. And tonight was wonderful…but also showed me that it’s not enough to make me stay. Vanities really might have been a wonderful shooting star. Beth and Carrie drive me NUTS. I cannot believe what Carrie did tonight…I really can’t. It’s really really over between us. And I actually understand where Adam is coming from…Carrie really is full of the wrong intentions…I feel a fool for ever putting trust in her again. And in the end…what I found to be most true and rewarding…is that I literally cannot write off anyone wholly…everyone is truly beautiful…and no matter what…I was able to let go of what Carrie did and walk into the party with my head held high and move past everything. And that is the kind of strength that is really a wonderful discovery. 

I miss you most in the sounds of the train passing by. It really hurts then. 

I feel like I’ve matured a thousand years in the past few weeks. I’m really a woman now. And I thank Vanities for that, mostly. 

And maybe none of it is about him after all…maybe it’s all about my journey…and what I can discover through this. 

And one thing I have, at least…is that DEEP passion for performing back. The deepest of loves. And I promise…I will not give up on it. I will continue to ride this wave as far as I can. And I feel as if I have truly given all of my whole being to this show…so I have no regrets…and if this were to be the last show I would feel okay with that…so in that way…I am completely free tomorrow. There is nothing I HAVE to do…other than enjoy it and let it flow through me, fill me up, and explode me.

I’m ready. I’m here. I’m free.

I am beautiful.

Am I here or am I here? The twisting twirling strands of seeming conciousness that dwindle off my seams, my streams of self-inflicted glory. The reams of paper thrown aside, burned to bits and blowing in the satin wind. The you and yes and feel and free the softly colliding words that weasel themselves into your pores, your skin, the fold on the side of your fractured ego that pushes forward. Wind wind and send me blowing, flying, forcefully giving forces the grass and the tunnels to peek right under the edges. The cauterized centerfolds and the sweet surrender of words to the wind. To the wind to the wind we go snowing and blowing. Capsizing and caught under the wheels of a bus going from here to there to there to more there to further here to a closer sense of being here. Bus never stops at the station just picks up people and drops them into the wind. The wind where there is nothing but the wind and you and something resembling your sense of the wind. But then there’s the grass and it has the wind too. We both have the wind but I think, perhaps…the wind is the only one with the wind. Can you only breathe once inside the wind or is the wind itself the breath inside my blowing? I only wish I knew the words that were blowing in the wind. If I could read that language I could probably feel the blood inside my toes begin to be. Of course the only thing I’ll ever know is the wind and the wind doesn’t even know me.

Nothing stops. Nothing stops. Everything flows. I don’t know how to let it go but I don’t think I SHOULD. I shouldn’t and I can’t know. I can never WHOLLY and FULLY commit…otherwise I think I might just pass into insanity. So to acknowledge that and to accept being always at the precipise, always falling, never landing…never knowing if or when I might land…that is the human condition…and that is fucking GLORIOUS. That is what is keeping me inhaling and exhaling and never TRULY breathing. It’s all just feelings and words. Thoughts and patterns. And some sort of magic that gets into your veins and sends shivers up your spine. I am here writing and I will never ever escape that. Maybe I can accept that and maybe not. And on stage…I have to let it ALL in. The thousands of different worlds revolving around me and creeping into me. Accept EVERYTHING that comes and let the breath carry me. You will NEVER get there. Never. And that is the only way to stay free. And we can NEVER truly let go…let go of the ego, the other…the process of being and knowing…that’s not what I’m after. What I’m after is the perfect bloody mess. The word spit and the swinging bits of sawdust that get in your eyes. The words from here to there to the screen to the soul. To evaporate into poetry, play and being something SO WILDLY flawed.

Vanities is one of the best things that ever happened to me. All I can do is keep flowing. Not knowing.

And it’s ALWAYS lost. There is SUCH inherent loss in EVERYTHING. In living everyday. Fucking flow with the destruction, feel the erosion of your carefully crafted life and let it make you REAL.

We are crafted, shaped and molded by the wind blowing through us, around us and carrying pieces of our presence, of our cells, of our souls into the wind. And then sometimes it comes and hits you again…full in the face and maybe you can breathe it in for a moment…back into your life…just before it carries you out. Again and again. The wind is breathing. And I am a part of that. And we are all just riding the crest of a high and beautiful wave right back to the source of the wind.

Breathe.

 

And because I can’t resist this adorableness:

 

And my words mean nothing. They’re all just nonsense.

But how can we ever stop trying?

Trust. Let go. Breathe.

 

No words could EVER capture what I’m feeling.

I have such a wonderful opportunity standing before me. And all I can do is live it. Really live it. Trust it. And ride the crest of a high and beautiful wave. All the work is done…now ride it. 

Today I’m just going to have fun…breathe every moment in…exhale everything out…and just LIVE. Cherish it but not strangle it. Soak it up…commit…and connect. Nothing can stop me now. Nothing can hold me back. I have complete trust in myself and in the universe. 

I don’t want to go back to real life. All I can do is breathe. Breathe and trust. Here’s to a brilliant exhale.

Let go.

Let it flow THROUGH you. With you. Now.

I am here.

Because You are unlimited, neither the lords of heaven nor even You Yourself can ever reach the end of Your glories. The countless universes, each enveloped in its shell, are compelled by the wheel of time to wander within You, like particles of dust blowing about in the sky.

 

Please don’t let Vanities ever end. Of course I want Halloween…but at the same time…I dread Sunday. The magic that clears my body on stage is enough to help me get over ANYTHING. I don’t know what I’m going to do without it to shoot me into space. 

Above all things…I trust. I believe. And I am.

Yes.

It’s like this incredible, illusive balance to acting…not pushing, somehow trusting…somehow letting the world in and through you. And if I keep trying to force myself to be some place that I’m not it won’t be there…you just have to somehow open the floodgates…loosen your mind…let go of fear…cut the cords and allow yourself to either fly, or not fly…but allow the momentum of life to carry you. And WHATEVER comes will be RIGHT. And if he’s there…in the corners of your mind…then let him be there…FORCING him out is just as destructive…because then you can’t…you feel defeated. You are only defeated in illusion. In allowing life, truth, and trust in…the whole world is right there. 

LET GO. And trust. 

“For beautiful eyes, look for the good in others; for beautiful lips, speak only words of kindness; and for poise, walk with the knowledge that you are never alone.”

 

Steph Stevens just sent me this on facebook:

“i never get jealous when i see someone with my ex bc my parents always told me to give my used toys to the unfortunate”

hahahahahah.

Tonight was honestly one of the most glorious nights I’ve ever had. I gave the performance I think I am most proud of…everyone was there…people from every aspect of my life that it’s important…Casey and Bekah and Lefki and Nikko and Jordan…and then of course Kara…and then Emlyn and my brothers and my mom…it was incredible…and they were all there for me…we all went out to Micheal’s…I was spinning with love and bliss and joy…we all laughed together and ate together…I couldn’t even take it all in. And then I got to come home to my wonderful apartment with my roommates who are just as glorious everyday. And all the while…I just wanted to be back on stage. Nothing is like it. And I wanted to share it all with Adam…just to be able to look at him and smile and let him be a part of this beautiful world of mine. We’ve missed so much. Everyday there’s so much I want to tell him…to share…I see the unbelievably gorgeous fall leaves and I want to be able to bask in them with him…There’s just so much I want to share. So much that is lost. Will always be lost. And so much that I’m not willing to give up yet. I don’t think I wil ever really give up on him. I don’t really think you can when you really love someone. I have faith in him…and hope…and trust…and love…and as hurt and shocked as I am…nothing can destroy love and nothing can make me truly hate him. Maybe that’s delusion. But maybe it’s just a delusional to write someone off as just simply an asshole or a dick because it hurts less than acknowledging that he’s a real person…so am I…we’ve both made mistakes…and the truth is messy, triple-sided and leads often to more questions than answers. I’d like to believe that my hope is enough for the both of us…but I know that it’s not. Nothing will ever squash my hope though…I will continue to send it out into the world until one day it comes back to me. Or maybe it won’t even come back to me…but to someone else…and that is all I can hope for. If Adam is helped in this process…whether through me or through himself or through someone else…that is all I can really wish for at this point. If he’s in as much pain as he’s saying…I can’t be selfish anymore…I truly want him to be happy. I just WISH I knew what the right thing to do now was. Hope. Hope is all I have. And an attempt at grace, maturity and kindness. No selfishness anymore…just love. Love will always win. Whether it is apparent or not…love is diving into my cells and plunging through pain and bandaging wounds in every small orifice of the world and within every beating heart. 

This joy I feel from performing is SERIOUSLY enough to make me stay here. It’s really not something I’m willing to give up. Tonight I looked into my eyes and saw fire. Nothing else can give me that. It is pure magic and I can’t control it and I can’t name it or know it…I just trust it.

I am so DEEPLY conflicted. And at the same time…so wonderfully blissful and full of trust and hope. Whatever happens will be RIGHT. 

I believe.

And I KNOW nothing.

“There is no shame in loving: it is a sign of a generous heart, and pain the price of an open soul.”

The only time I know ANYTHING is when I accept that I know NOTHING. I have no idea to stay connected or keep the magic within myself flowing and that is the ONLY way I can keep it. In surrender. Letting go. 

CONSTANTLY and consistently letting go. 

I am a perfect MESS. 

Life only makes sense to me in the chaos.