Fucking Conor Choi. Is it ever going to feel the same? I miss that fucking PASSION. I miss that NEED. I wish I just KNEW about either one that I have now. Isn’t that the way it’s supposed to be? I miss the sheer, mind shattering faith and DESIRE I had.
I want Conor Choi
I want Kristey to be alive
I fucking want answers I don’t want to sit in limbo anymore
I want to live my life…my own life and I dont want to be afraid of it
I WANT to KNOW what would Conor and I would have been
I feel needy and desperate and alone and I haven’t felt like this in so long and it feels GOOD. It feels good to be real and honest and it feels like I’ve been lying to myself for a long time. I am a fucking HUMAN and i want to be a mess and I want love to be passion and raw emotion…not something that’s just going to “work”
I want someone to fucking LOVE…raw and true…not someone that fits
I want to feel raw all the time…and watching Conor play guitar is just raw emotion pouring out of me…like I can’t even dare take my eyes off of him…
I don’t want to be balanced…I want to be fucking off the walls with love and passion and pain and LIFE.
Is it ever going to be enough if someone feels that way about me but I don’t about them?
I hate when Max tells me how hard it is for him…because I wish I felt that way…I WISH I was so fucking head over heels that I was absolutely destroyed by this…but I feel good and fine and wonderful and I don’t know what to DO with it.
I wish one of them was ENOUGH. And the more Max says that I am enough for him…the worse I feel.
What the FUCK is a healthy relationship.

“Because of who you were then”….is love ever anything more than a time and place? How do they separate?

I can’t have both…it makes me compare…and that’s not right.

I was a year ago today…right now…probably within a couple hours…that Kristey was speeding down the road singing just before she hit the pole.


2 thoughts on “

  1. “Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being “in love” which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two.”

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