I have destroyed everything.
“It doesn’t happen all at once,” said the Skin Horse.
“You become. It takes a long time. That’s why it doesn’t happen often
to people who break easily, or have sharp edges,
or who have to be carefully kept.
Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair
has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and
you get loose in your joints and very shabby.
But these things don’t matter at all, because
once you are Real you can’t be ugly,
except to people who don’t understand.”
– the Velveteen Rabbit
Life’s beauty is sometimes too much to know how to live.
The kids just told me about their dad and my heart broke.
How am I supposed to live my life with everything else that lives?
I can’t even do it anymore…I genuinely cannot enjoy my life because I keep thinking about all the suffering going on else where in the world. It’s actually incredibly frustrating because I know I can’t do anything but at the same time I can’t rightly enjoy my own things. It’s this crazy feeling and I don’t know what to do with it.
I’m thinking about you today Kristey…where are you? You are love.
When I’m constantly being kept busy by my friends I just want to be alone but then once I’m alone I realize just how lost I am.
I may still not know what I want to be when I grow up,
but I do know that someday I want to live in a house
filled with my books and travel souvenirs.
And the walls that aren’t covered in bookshelves will
be covered with photos of my family and friends.
When I leave the house I will be going to a job I love,
and I’ll return to a person I love.
So, that’s the dream I’m working on.
Love many things, for therein lies the true strength,
and whosoever loves much performs much,
and can accomplish much,
and what is done in love is done well.
–Vincent van Gogh
You can justify anything. And I am spreading out in so many directions. It’s overwhelming. It’s more than that.
Being mind blowingly exhausted but feeling alive is better than sleeping in any day. I can’t even enjoy sleeping in anymore. I feel dull.
I don’t need any of this. I don’t need anything. That’s freeing. As long as I can hold on to that.
I’m feeling SO many incredible things. Serious depression and uplifting joy…it’s overwhelming.
Who knows if I’m ready to begin again or not…but the only thing I can do is start and see what’s there. Trust the universe. And begin again.
And of course…the biggest changes are coming in coming home…in realizing just HOW much I’ve changed.
I’m not ever going to feel the same and I have to accept that, move on, and find a new life. It’s hard though, being surrounded by this old life…it would be much
Oh my god I have SO much crap I don’t need.
What surprises me most is how different my mom is from how I remember her.
I keep thinking, yes…it’s nice to have these things back…but I don’t need them…not only could I survive without them…but I was happier than I’ve ever been in my life without them.
Coming home and seeing the state of my home life may actually have pushed me over the edge…even farther.
REAL trust is going to come in just beginning all over again and living.
Be patient with yourself.
I don’t belong here anymore and that is WONDERFUL.
Wow. I really don’t need ANY of this.
And that feeling…this person that I am…can NEVER go away. Nothing in the world can crush this magic.
It’s starting to feel like a contained event…like that happened and now I’m back…but the reality of what I’m feeling is that that was real and that this is all this bizarre illusion. I no more belong here than I did there…I belong no where but to the earth.
This is a totally new life.
I never imagined that my old life would penetrate me so imposingly and threateningly. That I would have fight it. I can let it in and still be me. It’s about the faith and confidence you have in your own self. I believe.
I feel even more disconnected from the people in my life than I did in Australia.
It doesn’t matter what you’re doing as long as you’re living fully.
You have to find amazement in the small things. Take it one step at a time.
Finding that I am one whole person is a mind blowing thing.
How am I supposed to “get back into the swing of things”? There is no swing…I am a totally different person than the person that lived in this room. I feel like I’ve visiting my childhood’s room.
What will happen when I’m used to being home again? Will I still be that person? Yes. Yes. Of course I will. Always.
I’m getting more life. More emotions. More confusion. Bigger questions. Or maybe just more questions about less important things. I’m not sure. But who am I to judge?
And summer. Summer feels like a beautiful creature to fall back into. But even so…the memories are so…distant.
FUCK. I’m miserable. Or at least thats how I woke up. I finally got to sleep in and I couldn’t even enjoy it because I would continue to go on NO sleep if it meant I got to wake up in Australia. I always always thought it would be so wonderful to come home but instead it is weird. I feel out of place. I feel like I belong no where. I’m depressed by the person I was when I left and the person I feel like I’ll soon fall back into. I’m losing my magic and my soul and nothing feels like home. It all feels foreign. And at first that was exciting…but now that that’s worn off I’m just sitting in a house in a land of 4-lane highways and no magic.
What the fuck is about being home that makes me just so lifeless?
I can’t even write about it because I don’t even know what it is. Everything is escaping me. Every bit of beautiful magic that I had flowing through my fingertips. I know that I’m still that person…but I can’t feel it. I can’t feel anything today.
Home. Home and it feels like a thousand different things.
I feel numb and I feel out of place and off balance and finally complete and finally home.
I AM CONFUSED. I need time I need sleep I need breath I need my trees back I need the air and I need an unpolluted sunset. Give me my soul back.