I am exhausted. It’s a physical thing…but even more so it’s an emotional and spiritual thing. I’m trying to be as honest with myself. Sometimes it’s just too overwhelming. Sometimes I’m actually sick of being happy. Sometimes I just want to be bored or empty or even depressed. Feeling joy ALL the time becomes stagnant as well.

These are true feelings, fleeting maybe…but they are the ones that are coursing through me…sick and tired…exhausted in every sense of the word. And these feelings too, have a place to breathe…we must let them breathe, I think. Not discard them as a distraction

Will I ever get away from this bliss? Will I ever be able be able to really live if I’m always aware of it? Today I was sitting…letting the full of impact of how special and beautiful the moment was…and the fact that I had to move through it…that it was transitory…was so devastatingly depressing that I almost wanted to give up entirely. That’s the kind of feeling. SO happy that it paralyses. WHAT a feeling. 

And THAT is amazing in itself. But then at the same time…I’m sick of it being amazing…I want it be something else. I want it to be nothing. I will never get away from myself. 

Just being divinely happy all the time isn’t really living either. Hitting walls of extremes is truly an experience. 

And maybe I just need sleep. Or maybe these thoughts are real and have their own place. Not that I need to feed off them…but I should not shut them out. Let everything breathe. 

 

It’s like being high every minute of every day…and sometimes I just want to put a foot on the ground.

And then you let go. And then you get what you need. In surrender. 

It’s overwhelming to be me.

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