Oh shit. June. I am so not ready for June. That just hit me like a brick. I tried to prepare for it…or at least…I tried to soak up every last inch of May…especially today…but the actual reality of June…nothing could prepare me for that. Ouch. So not a welcome thought. So overwhelming. 

Love is soul. Souls in love move in faith. Believing in love is the deepest faith. The most transformative power. Partake in being human. I am still connected to all that I am. I am connected to all the shiny, brass sorrow that is humanity. As well as the trees, the scurrying animal creation, and the spirit of the wind. Just by being alive in this world…I am a part of this gravity.

Love IS magic. The purest and deepest magic I know.

 

I am living without my obsessive compulsions and it is terrifying, exhilarating, unknown territory that makes every minute, every day, every second brand new.

And holy crap I just realized how much work I have to do this week and am trying to breathe deeply. Hah. Ouchhhh. However, the concept of actually being nearly done with work is entirely worth it. Oh this is such an overwhelming feeling. Tonight…I’m just going to enjoy the dying embers of May and trust that everything will work out in its own time. I don’t know what June holds…but I’m sure its own magic will unfold itself. I have faith. It is a new beginning. 

I had THE most incredible May of my life. SO much love. SO incredible. Nothing else will ever compare. It can only grow. Don’t give up…give me more. More love.

Be ready. Not ready. Terrified. Just be in it. Commit to open. Release. And let it unfold. Trust the universe.

I believe.

I loved EVERY second of May. Here comes June. No stopping the force of life. It is moving and spinning, just like me. Further. Into that eternal, deepening mystery.

Let it in.

Open.

Advertisements

Give everything away. Send your love out into the world. Dissolve your knowledge and trust that what remains will be one inch closer to the truth. Reach out. Trust that the receiving is always coming- the letting go is what takes bravery.

Nothing can take that away from you. Love expounds. 

Open all the doors, all the windows…blow open every crevice and let the wind blow through you.

Do not presume to claim the world for yourself…it is not yours. It is ours. Own what you do have…your life, your light, your divine gift of spirit.

Humble yourself. It is the most freeing and empowering expression of love. 

Be amazed at being human in this world where wonder abounds. 

Letting go is the most wonderful expression of faith. 

Just the sheer gratitude of being alive is enough. Love is creation.

I am in a constant state of everyday being the best day of my life. It is an awakening and a growing far beyond my comprehension. 

And that immense respect for this aboriginal land has exploded. 

Break like waves.

I believe. 

 

 

“If grace is an ocean, we’re all sinking

So heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet

kiss and my heart turns

violently inside of my chest

I don’t have time to maintain these

regrets when I think about the way

He loves us”

-How He Loves Us, Kim Walker

My favorite. I have this live version of this song where she goes into this beautiful speech…it’s intensely religious…but her sheer genuine love just pours right through the track. It inspires me no matter what she’s singing about…she’s got pure love. Listen to it.


I am running up hill. Spinning cyclone higher and higher…releasing into the atmosphere. Into the fuzzy pink squirms that slither across the sunset. I am flying full force, head long into a speeding bullet and I have no way of bracing myself. I am falling…faster and faster catching glimpses of where I’ve been, the ground below me, and the things flying past my vision. I am a being of pure love…ascending and spreading and growing. Growing everyday in wild directions. Spurning and churning like a strangler fig…the spirit of the world wraps in its sheer force and holds me to the ground…while my ripping and shredding trunk flies free into the stratosphere…shaking its leaves like a violin into the night air. 

Nothing will ever be the same. 

This is where my heart is. Will always be. I have released it into the world.

Let’s be infinite together.

I just exploded.

 

 

Divinely, deliriously happy. Everything is in alignment. That’s not the right word…but that’s the feeling. The feeling is infinite.

Ready. Free. Release.

The moment is not here or there or in my breath or in my exhale…it is everywhere…infinite in every minute detail. Like God. Like love. Like light. Spreading out and flying free. 

There is not a doubt in my mind that I am exactly where I’m meant to be. Right time, right place, alive. The mere fact that love exists assures me that it is all connected.

“There’s no where you can be that isn’t where you’re meant to be.”

 

I am moving slowly and serenely over the open pages of my dreams. Molasses tipped and tilted towards the full moon…I am drifting in a sweet surrender towards, towards…further drifting out to sea…to see to feel to touch…to taste the inner workings of my fantasies. I am dreaming and imagining today. Today I am breathing deeply the fiery magic that twinkles in the light. That spark that created stardust. I am soaring. And nothing can bring me down. Everything is a catalyst upwards and outwards. Higher.

More.

And then release.

I want to give everything.

Always chase the magic. Always. 

 

“And those who were seen dancing were
thought to be insane by those who
could not hear the music.”
-Friedrich Nietzsche-

 

Just the sheer power of the moment can awaken you- don’t try to hold it down…let it fly. 

I am full of mystical love. Yes. Yes. Yes.

I trust the universe.

MORE.

Poetry literally flows into me as he touches me. It’s the most organic, indescribable, magical thing. I feel entirely in tune with my body, my soul, my spirit, my mind…they are all connected and there is this free holistic energy moving through all of us and the universe

“Possible of infinite potential”

Don’t hide from the world- release into it. 

“We are meaning making machines”

“Wonderlust” 

There is an infinite yes moving through me. 

I choose this life where alignment and magic pulse. 

Sexual is spiritual and living is visceral. 

“Have You Ever”- Brandi Carlile

God is infinite. God is gravity. God is the other. God is love. 

The adhesive that keeps the world together. That binds and ties. All things. 

And even the word God is limiting. Because the oneness has a connotation. Because we look for him as if he is in one place. As if he is a human. 

But the true connection comes in the other. 

Maybe the things I’m saying are paganistic or pantheistic…but that’s not it either. 

And even in trying to write it down it loses its meaning. Its majesty. I cannot write it down. I cannot tell it. I cannot even know it. Maybe I can feel it. All I can do is breathe in and out and believe. 

Let it be open. Beyond your comprehension. This is hard for humans. This is hard for me. To let God be beyond me. But it’s the only thing that rings true for me. 

And the context KEEPS changing. Everyday. And everyday has its own gifts. And the world keeps changing. And my vision of God keeps changing. That infinite light that it is- I’m sure is unchanging and eternal…but my relationship, knowledge and feeling of it is new every minute. Constant in its motion.

The more I try to put it in to words, the more I feel it becomes convoluted. That’s the problem with religion. They think they have the words. And not only words…but the right words. I want to live in art with God- abstract. No solutions. More questions, bigger questions, more complex ideas…and more beautiful magic.

But there I go again putting value on it…as if my way of living is better than any other. I just have to keep letting go.  

God is beyond. But I am alive in this world that is connected to all things. And that is divine. 

And I keep repeating myself but I am just human. 

Letting go is beautiful.

So. I’m sitting outside in the grass (no wifi here) outside my flat with some tea…it’s 4pm and today was the first cloudy day in a long time…and it’s getting cold…I’m actually wearing jeans….and at night I always have to wear a jumper (sweater)…and most importantly, I’m 20! My birthday just ended in the states a few hours ago…but I celebrated it mostly Australian time…and it was beautiful…AND I desperately need to update…it’s a little ridiculous just how much has happened and how quickly it all slides away. SO. Here’s to a big post about the last week. I’ve got lots of little posts I had made but never finished and thus never posted…so I can throw those in there as well as some now past thoughts…SO they are mixed together:

Monday, May 10- Soooo. Life is beautiful. Today was intense. Woke up from a nap at 12am (midnight)…worked on my theatre presentation from then until about 5:30am…slept till 7am…then got up and continued to work until class time at 12pm. Awesome. Gave my presentation and it was actually very empowering to be able to talk like that. It was about Version 1.0 which is this political theatre company which was something very interesting to me after this weekend. So it was all very very cool. It’s such a cool company.  So I had skepticism…and then my presentation…then came home (bought a rad pad at some point) and went on a beautiful adventure through ferries and citycats to try to find Kangaroo point…then I went climbing at Kangaroo point…which was exhausting and hard and I almost gave up many times but I didn’t and I got to the top and saw this incredible view of Brisbane and it was so rewarding- plus it was my first time and I didn’t have climbing shoes and it was a rather hard track…so everyone was very proud of me- it was a very empowering day. Then on the way home I ran into some crazy drunk frenchmen who wanted me to go to a reggae concert with them…but I didn’t…I went home. Which was lovely anyway…I got to make a lovely dinner with Max and watch mighty boosh and it was lovely.

Tuesday, May 11- Library, Bipotaim exhibit, brief look at GOMA, caught a bus to Mt. Cooth-Tha…went to lookout…then to the Botanic Gardens, planetarium, flowers, rain…then to the West End, dinner at Forest while doing Poetry assigment, bought meusli, then went to POETRY READING! Read aloud…that was incredible, freeing experience for me…very empowering…I’ve never done that before and it was wonderful. Then I came home…thought there was a toga party, came home, watched Mighty Boosh and took a nap, then began poetry assignment…yikes.

Wednesday, May 12- Today was a glorious day. I believe I started my poetry presentation/essay at 12:30am this morning/last night…worked through till about 3:30 or 4am…got it all done and slept for about an hour and a half before I had to wake up to go Poetry seminar, Skepticism, Poetry presentation, brief Literature class, short walk through the woods, came home and went family shopping with the kids, booked my flight to Sydney! Or at least tried to…free dinner outside…lovely…then I’m sure we had a classic bit of Mighty Boosh and passed out.

Thursday, May 13- Early morning Literature, talked about Freud, then off to Islam class…regular man wasn’t there and we just talked about papers and then got out early. So I had a lovely co-op lunch with Max…showed it to him…then went home and got a ton of stuff done. Then I ran into the city to meet with the qantas guys but they were closing up and not very helpful…did get amazing tofu and seaweed sushi though…then wanted to go to yoga in West End but I missed it and instead ran over to garden city to meet the kids (Emily, Jordan and Max) to get fish…and we got all the way down to the fish shop and then the kids were really lame and wanted to wait. Silly kids. I was going to smack them. Pet shops are funny though. So THEN Max and I rushed back into the city to the Tribal Theatre…and got to see the Imaginarium of Dr. Parnassus for free at this cool old fashioned theatre that had like 3 people in it and it was extremely cool. The movie was GORGEOUS…I definitely need to watch it again because I think I was too exhausted to understand it all- or maybe it just doesn’t make much sense…but it was absolutely beautiful and I loved it…even though most people reactions seem to be “It was weird.” Heath was amazing. So that was a great experience…I hadn’t been to the movies in SO long and I forgot how much I loved it…I can’t wait to see lots and lots of movies this summer back in the good old Garden :). Then we walked back through the city, dazed and confused from the movie- but happy and imaginative…saw a man doing spray-paint art at the top of the Queen Street Mall…but it wasn’t just regular stuff…it was BEAUTIFUL…and I sat there and looked through it all and almost cried it was so amazing. I definitely want to buy a piece of that…simply gorgeous. And amazing how deeply and emotionally art is effecting me these days…I can literally see a piece of art and burst into tears. It’s amazing. Then we had a drowsy and beautiful bus ride back home…thoroughly happy…came home exhausted…made dinner perhaps? Probably watched some Mighty Boosh…most likely took a nap…then wrote a nice long e-mail to Ki which was really good. And then passed gloriously out. Gorgeous day. 🙂

Friday, May 14- Was planning on going to the Gold Coast for a film festival…but I had to do a stupid online academic literacy test for Literature class that took forever and I didn’t even end up finishing so I missed a few buses too…but eventually went over to South Bank…soaked up some sun…then went to the Queensland Museum to take a look…a lot of it is rather aimed at kids- dinosaurs and stuff…but nonetheless it was SO cool…there was an incredible butterfly exhibit…and some awesomeness with animals…I’m really appreciating wildlife in a totally new way now…it’s pretty lovely. Then I went back to South Bank…met up with Max…had a lovely little picnic/chill…went to the library to finish my silly online test…which was very good that I finished…and then gave up the idea of going to the gold coast and began a lovely night wandering around in Brisbane. We walked through South Bank (of course) and then to the West End….I showed Max trash video…and we had a nice walk down there…we passed by a very cool photography gallery on the way there and got to look at some GORGEOUS shots of australia…I developed a new appreciation for photography…did a tiny bit of window shopping…then we eventually settled on going to eat at the Forest…which is this amazing vegetarian/vegan place with like trees growing out of it and it is beautiful and I had crazy vegetarian food…I suddenly love tofu, it’s crazy…and a soy dandelion latte…very cool stuff…then we ran back to south bank and watched this adorable jazz concert on the grass with pillows and everyone talking and drinking and fairy lights and it was magical…and I almost got sick of being so happy. Hah, it was an insane feeling. Then we finally went home…were planning on going out to the Valley and celebrating my birthday with this VIP room at one of the clubs…and we all got alll ready…and then were just far too exhausted and all just passed out. Watched Mighty Boosh, I’m sure…and then fell happily asleep. Beautiful day.

This is what I had written for the post today: Tonight I’m happy just to stay in with my flatmate family. 🙂
SO EPICALLY SLEEPY.

Saturday, May 15- Woke up, went to the West End markets with Max (actually spent the entire weekend with Max), we got tons of beautiful fruit, a big loaf of bread and two things of cheese and deliciousness for about 12 dollars and soaked up the beautiful atmosphere of the West End which makes me so happy…we then proceeded to eat all of that and only that, all day. It was glorious. We also got to see them setting up for the West End Carnivale, which would have been amazing to go to…but it was very expensive, and it’s better that we didn’t. So we walked across the beautiful Kurilpa Bridge, soaking up the view, back to the city to try to make it to the Gay Rights Equality rally which was no where to be found. Who knows? No one we asked knew anything about it either…so…odd. Instead we had a short picnic at Post Office square…got to be in parts of the city I don’t normally go…than somewhat impulsively got on the train to Redcliffe (it was there, so we took it) to try to go to Kite Festival…but we really had no idea where we were going. There were many times in the day when we were planning on going home for stuff…and then just didn’t and instead did something so much more amazing- such good choices. And getting on the train to an unknown location was a wonderful way to celebrate my last day of being a teenager. So we got off at Sandgate…it was an adorable little seaside town….asked someone for directions and they were obscenely helpful- absolutely determined to get us there. Hah, it was amazing to see. We got to see this beautiful view of the sea…then we hopped on a bus in hopes to get to Clontarf. Hah it really was a great adventure. And the sun was setting and it was beautiful. We got to the kite festival which was lovely…full of beautiful foods and kites flying in the sky. It was magical. Then rode home on the train exhausted, watching the sunset…arrived back, no time to go home, walked through south bank to the convention center to go to ROLLER DERBY! Yes yes yes! Roller derby! Max and I actually ran into his ex-girlfriend April there, which was a little awkward…she even asked if we were on a date…hah…but then we got to watch roller derby…there were all these cute alternative bows and hot topic-y stuffs being sold on the sidelines…and girls dressed up like pin up girls riding around in skates…I love Brisbane. There was a glorious energy- we did a HUGE mexican wave…cheered and watched them spinning around and around….I didn’t quite get it but just being there and seeing it and laughing was exactly what I needed. It was so lovely. I actually enjoyed sport! Yes! And it was such a perfect way to celebrate my last day as a teenager…so classically teenage it felt. Then we came home happy and tired…ate a tiny bit of dinner then headed through the forest to this field where they were having a college campout…it was so cute. They had a big projector screen set up and they were playing movies (Avatar, then Sherlock Holmes, then Aladdin, then the Office)…and they had a TON of free food and sugary goodness…we drank about 7 cups of milo each…and they had little mattresses set up and lots of blankets…again a lovely ending to my teenage years…we ran around in the grass taking pictures and then once it got to be time…I sat out in the grass and looked at the stars and Tom counted down the last moments of me being a teenager…and at exactly 12pm we all jumped up and celebrated under the stars and the southern cross. It was really a perfect birthday. Really, really magically perfect. It was slightly bittersweet to let go of those teenage years…but felt SO good to be 20. Brand new and wonderful. Then we snuggled up in blankets, drank some more milo, and fell asleep to the sounds of movies, the australian forest, and under the stars. Just perfect.

Sunday, May 16My BIRTHDAY! I awoke early…and got to see the sky lighten on my new year. Sitting in the grass, watching it wake up. It was beautiful. Then they all cooked this GLORIOUS australian birthday breakfast with bacon and eggs and tomatoes and toast and milo and pancakes and I was so happy. What a beautiful birthday surprise. Then we ran back up to the flat…weighed various options of things to do…and ultimately decided to get on a bus to go to Chermside for a green festival…which was such a lovely choice…we had a bit of an adventure…had to find our way around there…but once we got there it made my heart so happy…this huge festival with stalls set up for greening Brisbane…a big green heart driving around on a moped…beautiful foods to taste…stickers to take…things to learn…and the sounds of children running around and playing on bouncy things and a beautiful playground. Made me so happy. So sweet. I love Brisbane. Then we got back on the bus and raced back home to go to the Powerhouse 10th birthday celebration that just so happened to fall on my birthday! Yay! What a beautiful coincidence. We missed Bananas in Pajamas peforming…YES. The actual bananas in Pajamas…who knew they were Australian? But either way we got this wonderful walk through the valley to New Farm…which I had never been to…saw this incredible garage sale and finally bought myself a variety of cheap clothes for 2 dollars…it was crazy and wonderful…then got to the powerhouse and everything was happy birthday all over it and it was so amazing. There were all these free concerts going on and art displays…and people buzzing about…and the powerhouse is beautiful on the river…and we ate fruit and

And today!

Monday, May 17- Slept in the tent…glorious…was able to sleep in to the amazing time of 10am…I don’t remember the last time I slept in that late…then ran off to skepticism class (we talked about aliens)…then to theatre…I was a little dazed and sleepy today but it’s all ok and I still got some good stuff…we read a play aloud which was really good and then we got done early and I had about an hour long talk with the professor…who’s really wonderful, so that was great. Came home and volunteered at the Food Co-Op! Yay! It was my first day and it was very exciting and easy and rewarding and I got a free pie and I love them. I definitely want to do it again. Then I came back and began to get some stuff done and organized…layed in the grass for a bit and wrote, as I said before. I love mandarins. That was random but true. Washed dishes, did laundry…all that good stuff. It was relaxing and wonderful just to be home and to take it all it and finally RELAX. SO what I needed. And then Max and I made an AMAZING pasta and watched 3 episodes of Flight of the Conchords in the tent and it was beautiful. Then we passed out at about 10….it’s 4am now and I got up just to finish some things up…but it’s time to go back to sleep again…no classes tomorrow so hopefully an adventure….but for right now the most wonderful gift and adventure is some good SLEEP! LOVE! 🙂

And actually it’s already Wednesday and I still haven’t posted this…this post is going to be huge…but so…here is yesterday:

Tuesday, May 18- Hm. No classes! Slept in the tent…so woke up in the tent with the sun streaming through the windows…beautiful…at about 8:30? Had the first semi relaxing wake up in a long time….and by that I mean I layed in bed until about 9am…shocking. Then got up…got all ready to go for a hike at Whites Hill Reserve and then missed a few buses trying to plan things and eventually realized it wasn’t worth all the travel- so instead I went for a lovely hike through the Toohey Forest (basically Nathan campus)…walked a bit in…then checked my voicemail and realized Adam had left me a birthday voicemail (I thought he had forgotten my brithday) which made me very happy…so then I called him and we talked while I sat in the forest for a good long time and it was wonderful to talk since it had been SO long. Very good. So then I came back…had a warmed up pie from before…and then headed into the city hoping to get on the Hop on, hop off bus…turns out it’s $35…so that didn’t happen. I stopped by this skitsophrenic art gallery which was SUPER cool…then 

Wednesday, May 19- I just made my bed for the first time in a long time…and it felt so cathartic and wonderful. Cleaning up my room and putting things on the walls is the only time I have to breathe, actually…and its really quite wonderful. Today was a lovely day…woke up in the tent once again. Was actually able to get a few hours of sleep…not fantastic though…still had a bit of a headache. Dashed off to skepticism lecture which never happened…and I had some time to catch up on this entry sitting there waiting so that was good…then was able to sprint back home and shower and then run back to poetry class…I had to share my book with someone else so I couldn’t scribble all the crazy thoughts in it that come into my head like I normally do…but it was WONDERFUL as always…we did Sylvia Plath and Robert Lowell and they were all about suicide hah…but it was beautiful and I had lots of wonderful absorption. Then I rushed off to Mt. Gravatt for literature…had two wonderful seminars…one on Maslow’s psychological perspective that I really really liked…then we got out in time for me to actually catch an earlier bus…run home, grab Max and a shopping bag…then hop on a bus to the city to go to the farmer’s markets at the top of the queen street mall…gorgeous, I love it…I ran around (I had about 15 minutes there) tasting lots of delicious things…then Max continued to buy fruit for us while I ran back to the bus, missed it once, ran back and then got the next one…and watched the most BEAUTIFUL sunset through the bus window. Came back and ran to the multi-faith center for an international student pre-departure free dinner. I do not like thinking about “pre-departure”….but there was lots of mingling and meeting of new people and seeing other perspectives and hearing other accents…and most importantly…LOTS of free food…just little finger foods and cheap sushi…but still…I’m cheap. So it was good. And I got a bit to take back to my flat as well, so that was good. So then I came home…got a little done then went to free dessert which was glorious as well…I love wednesday night dinners…then we all came back to the flat and max and justin and jay and i and all the rest of the flat got out these huge posters and drew all over them…making some more art for K4 while eating a TON of beautiful cheese…admiring the tent and drinking goon…it was such a perfect night. even peter came out and i got to talk to him and that was fascinating. then i had a bit of a scare with tiger…still a little scared…but i’m just going to have faith with it…then got a lot of cleaning done…laundry etc…and now I believe it is finally time to rest. Oh and Max just left me a surprise birthday gift in the tent- a handmade t-shirt by him with one of our inside jokes on it. I am a very lucky girl. 😉

Heading off to Sydney is a funny feeling. It seems like the ultimate pinnacle of Australia…and at the same time…I’d almost rather just be in a forest. But I’m going to take it for what it is…drink it in…take what it has to offer…and complete the fuzzy picture that is what I know of Australia. And I think I’m ready for it too…my love for Brisbane is strong enough now that nothing can really shake it…I can only love Sydney in a way that is different from Brisbane. In some ways this is my last big excursion in Australia…apart from hopefully going to Byron…this is certainly my last flight…and that is sad and exciting at the same time. Another adventure! I want to see ALL of Australia…or as much as I can…and this opportunity is such a beautiful one. I will try to cherish it, take it in, absorb and be ALIVE in it. Here’s to the great adventure! To love, to life, to discovery.  

I’m up way too late and I probably really need my sleep…so here’s to rest. And to breath. And to another gorgeous adventure. To the magical gift of being alive everyday.

To now.

 

 

I wonder what it would be like if the whole world felt the way I do.

Lots of internal struggle and battling lately…trying to fit all the pieces together. 

I can see the embers of the sunset start to glow around the edges of the clouds now. And the dull chill of Australian autumn place its hands around me. I don’t eever want to leave. 

Sometimes Max and I talk of just never leaving…staying here forever, married. Sometimes I think he’s the love of my life. That thought is mind boggling. I don’t know anything I thought I knew…I don’t doubt my love for Adam…but I question everything. I don’t even remember what Adam looks like. He is extremely distant…but I suppose that’s when faith comes in. 

I actually just felt the moment where the temperature just dipped and I need to put a jumper on. It’s so incredible to feel nature. I want to live in tune with it. 

This is the sweetest air. I still have just enough time, and yet have become so connected and in love with Australia. This moment is divine. 

The degree to which I have been committed to life…the sheer amount of going and doing I have been doing…I could pass out any moment, any where, any day…and at the same time…I feel SO alive, so connected and so full ALL of the time. I am living INSIDE of the contradiction of being alive and it is literally indescribable. I doubt I’ll ever REALLY know just how special this is.

I want to die of heart failure…exhausted, full and unable to take any more breaths. Live it all until I explode.

I remember quite a few instances with Peter when I felt exhausted…because I had nothing left to give…he had taken everything from me and I felt like I was just constantly giving and giving until I had nothing left. I hit a wall and I had to leave the country. I thought he had squeezed all of the love out of me. 

And now I feel quite the opposite…my love is overflowing…literally there is too much of it and I don’t even have a place to put all of it…I could just expontentially expand in all directions with the infinite love that is flowing through me. 

Max says I’m in excess these days. He’s right.

I started cooking. Tasting Being aware of what I was eating. Conserving. Appreciating. It was all about the food.

God IS faith. The sheer act of believing is divine in itself. I don’t want to be religious. I just want to be me. As fully and as freely as I can.

I want new words. A bigger vocabulary. More colors. 

It’s funny, when I type it all out into the facts of what we did…it seems so simple…there is NO way to capture the raw magic of these moments. Same with pictures…they never do justice anymore. The beauty of my life has passed beyond words. I can’t even tell the stories right. There is something about being alive and being present that cannot be translated any other way.

Events are starting to come in to view for which I will not be here and it always jolts me.

I had a dream I came home and everything was wrong and different…driving through Princeton nothing looked familiar and when we pulled up at my house…I stepped out and threw up. Then I woke up.

I don’t know what that means. It’s rather terrifying…but I still have hope that home will still be home. 4 months cannot ruin that. 

All those feelings are still with me. They never leave. They cannot leave.

 

The private lives of people are infinitely wilder 

than it would seem on the surface. 

And if the doors of perception were cleansed, 

everything would appear as it is – infinite.

 

I think, in order to do what I want in life…I have to have the big dreams…and then let go of them. Start small…just like love…start anywhere…start at all. Otherwise the dreams will overwhelm. I have to accept the recylcing of ideas and trust that newness will come through recycling. Through simply beginning.

Begin.

HAPPY 20TH BIRTHDAY TO ME!

 

I feel full of love. And even from thousands of miles away…I still feel covered in love and connected to all these beautiful people that I love and would love to be spending this day with. But even more so…there is no where I would rather be spending my 20th birthday than right here. Right now. The universe feels right.

Love is universal. Celebrate it. Age is limitless. Embrace it.

And the beginning is much more exciting than the end. So here’s to a beautiful new beginning. A birth.

And here’s to an Australian birthday.

I don’t need gifts. I don’t need wishes. I don’t wall posts. I don’t even need the people that I think I need. I just need the stars and the trees and the Australian spirit kissing me goodnight. 

To life. To love. To Australia. And mostly,

To rebirth.

Today is my last day of being a teenager. And it was magical and rich and full of life. It was everything. It was all over the place…full of a thousand different emotions, thoughts, and breathtaking moments. It was perfect.

It’s an overwhelming place and thought. Where I am…where I’ll be…where I’ve been. How far I’ve come…how young I am. What it means to be a teenager. A thousand memories and feelings wash over me and still I don’t know if I’ll ever really know what it means to be nineteen. To be a teenager.

Twenty is large. But that’s tomorrow. Today is youth. Rebellion. Acne. But I don’t really feel like I’ve been a teenager for a long time. Age is confounding to me and I feel all at once everything.

I’ll never be ready for it. I’ll never know when it happens…all I can do is breathe it in and out and cherish everything I have about the past, present and future. And love it. Love myself. And love letting it go.

It’s the end of a decade. It’s the end of my teenage years. 

But mostly…it’s a huge beginning. A celebration of birth, rebirth and life. Holding on, letting go, and being reborn all at the same time. 

It’s a thousand things…it’s a beautiful moment in time…but most of all…it’s a celebration.

To life. To living. To growing. Up and out and older…but always eternally young. I will always be here and I will never know it. 

To angst and lost love and hope and bliss and pain and immaturity and maturity and changing and learning and being up against the wall and free inside of the most marvelous world. To today, tomorrow and yesterday. Beyond age, beyond words…to being alive. 

TO NOW.

Always.