Oh no. Fuck. I’m falling in love.
And one day you open your eyes and realize you’re not the same person you were. And you’ll never be the same again.
My reality, my perception, my world has all been transformed. Anew. I’m never coming home because the person that left no longer exists. I have become.
I’m listening to the birds and the hum of my computer and watching the light change through the trees and all things are new. My mind is blown. Outwards. My heart is found. Inwards. And my soul is flying with light that does not rise or set- it soars.
Nothing in the past or future ever will feel like today.
I am born again. And somehow alive for the first time. And in love in a new way. A free way. I am one.
I am a beam of light.
It’s all connected in such a bigger, deeper way than I could ever have imagined. It is through love…but not just in our human way…and not just in a divine way…in the reality of the magic that is created between them. In being present. In being committed to being alive. In being aware, awake, alive…and in love. Through love, around, in, with. It’s not tunnel vision…it’s not one person…it’s everything. A connection to each place, feeling, moment, person, experience. It moves from that place within and beyond…and when love comes from there…it is never wrong, it is always free…and it is divinely connected to everything. And it is magical. And real. Listen to your heart. Honestly. Move from fearlessness and love from life’s natural breath.
All is real.
I watched creation today. I am genuinely feeling things for the first time. I felt as if I was born entirely new this morning…seeing the sun emerge from the horizon…the whole world shook open. And I was there and I was present and connected to the whole universe in a way that was literally unreal.
And for brief moments I thought this could be the love of my life. This could be it. My magic moment. My great love story. And who can even ever know…but all I know is that I am alive in this moment and that is enough. That is more than enough. That is divine, and magical, and somehow the most real thing in the world.
We were standing in a patch of sugarcane, covered in the moon’s magic, enveloped in something pure, bits of stardust floating in the wind…and it was the most real thing I’ve ever felt.
I can’t describe it, or even know it, or answer it…but I can feel it.
And I believe.
I am alive.
Hah, I’m almost too exhausted to go on another trip this weekend. But what am I even thinking? Too tired to live? Never. To sleepy to adventure? Impossible. Whatever comes my way, I want it. I want to grasp it, live it, breathe it and send it back into the abyss…with little pieces hanging off of me. More matter for my sculpture. Give me MORE.
To life. To adventure. To living with your heart.
I am here now. Alive
You are there making pasta
we are dwelling inside of this breath
this bus ride, this free patronage
free public transport from here to there
from transformation to poetry to cataclysmic revelation of self
of thought of mind of might
of being awake in the night
of knowing the sounds that accompany the music
and drinking the flavors that seep into your suburb
the magic that lives here and
lives inside of blindness
to see lights and only lights
there’s elevators there that lift you up
there’s heart inside that pummel you higher
you’ll never get to meet yourself
except inside this moment
you’ll never know again that person that lied inside that past
that breath inside the breath that carried your dreams of darkness afloat
that swelled inside of nothingness and dreamed ontop of dreams of empty longing
you were everything inside me and i was nothing beyond you
and we were united inside of a feeling of a word
inside of a want to feel to know to think to be something beyond that which we know
which we have been driven into the ground and into the shopping malls and the paper plastic packaging
of lost lights and distant thumpings
club life and hair life and life that revolves around the sipping of sugary drinks
that is not the point of the pointedness of this memory
the point revolves around you and inside you and within you and you are a part of it
and of me
and we are a part of this reverie.
of this sleeping dream that awakes to blow its nose and write down fragments of faded memories and let them cascade past pretention and recycled words and descriptive noise and sauteed happiness.
i am alive inside of this moment only and this is the moment that holds me because it is wrapped in light that does not fade. that does not drift into the distance or soften with a squint. it grows stronger in the darkness and deeper with blindness. it guides without a path and it seeks without an answer.
sometimes ill sing for you, sometimes ill scream of you, sometimes ill hide inside of your ourness.
we are a we-ness that will never be again.
and THAT is terrifying freedom that carries me into the autumnspring of the otherside of the world.
let me eat my cake and have it as a dream.
let me feel the aboutness and drive inside of it towards the open freeway.
let these words mean my meaning of this moment.
let this be enough.
let this be.
It’s 5:27pm, Thursday April 22, 2010 Brisbane time…and I am free of Peter McCann. The world is new and I am free. I can see, finally…for what feels like YEARS…and honestly it has been years. A year and 8 months since we fell in love.
I can see that I moved on long ago…that I let go when I found the strength to get on that plane…but only right now can I really see the full picture. I can see everything now. And I can see just how far I’ve come.
And the weight and the clarity and the fullness is washing over me. And there still isn’t hatred or wrongness or regret….there is only deeper truth. He is not my enemy and cannot blame him. Many of the feelings I had at the beginning were true and real and in some ways right- but not the right reasons. They were coming from a place of fear rather than a place of honesty and openness. And now I have FINALLY come full circle. Fully aware. And finally whole.
And I will always love you. Some part of me. That has not and does not have to change. That connection is real- and it’s a good thing to feel that it’s still there…to know that it wasn’t ALL entirely contrived. But to know and feel and see that you have the POWER to let go. To move on. And to let the feelings dwindle, slide down into a puddle, and slowly evaporate until only that first drop still lingers somewhere in the back of your mind…tucked in a bittersweet and reminiscent memory. To make it a memory. The journey may be beyond your control, the path may be MUCH harder than you can imagine…but you ALWAYS have the strength to walk away.
But the sight. The perspective. To truth. That had to be blown right open. And viewed from a distance. To see the whole. I didn’t run away, coming to Australia. I broke free. Out of my box, my head, my narrow wind tunnel of vision. It’s hard to find that strength when all you can see is the tip of your nose. Fear dwells in that narrowness. In that solitary reality.
It’s about what you want. Deciding to move on. The rest will follow…and one day you’ll find yourself lying in a field, watching the sun go down, in the middle of a foreign country, miles and months away from the memory of him…and suddenly you will SEE that you ARE free.
And there is some lingering sadness and sorrow in closing such a large chapter of my life. But it is so much less of an end and SO much more of a beginning. It’s not fair to say you killed me, but I know I am alive for the first time. Know that there is a divinity in every moment. And there is sorrow and longing in that divinity. Always. And that is beautiful.
You stole the poetry from my lips, kept it in a plastic bag, and froze it. I have had to thaw out, learn to blame you, and teach myself how to cook.
You froze me in time and I was a half breath with no exhale.
I had no vision, no creation, you sat on my hand and turned my palm to molasses.
Was that you or the moment of the choice to be in that moment with you?
I’ve finally reached the point where it’s healthy to be angry.
To be swallowed and serene inside of your new eyes. To let the resent propel you forward into reality.
You transformed me into a nothing woman. It.
I was an it attached to you, within you, because of you. Inside.
Why can’t that reflection be profound? When love clouds instead of enlightens.
When it takes you years to see. To know. To never truly feel. I had nothing inside of me but you. I let you fill me with emptiness. And I wanted it. Because it was easy. You are a leech. You made me a leech. And you liked it. You wanted it that way. And my determination reached new levels of delusion. It had more colors than that, as they always do, they trying to fill in all the colors to make a new picture that isn’t there, one day you realize you have no colors at all. Not even a black and white photograph- not even shapes. No names. Words. Nothing. Just reaching after faded memories. But your eyes play tricks on you. And your heart somehow longs for what it thinks it never knew. And you justify it by saying it’s more complicated when the truth is that it is simple- not black and white, no, but not colored either. It is simply devoid. Colorblind. Faith is terrifying. I had the right idea- the same strength of heart- but aimed in the wrong direction. Or at nothing at all. Or at fear. Fear that my faith would be wrong. And my faith itself wasn’t wrong. It’s that same well that I’m finding now. But my eyes had become too narrow. I needed perspective. And to let go. I wasn’t really listening. I was closed. I was stuck. I was literally without senses. Unaware. Blind. Deaf. Dumb. Connected, maybe but to something so deeply and innately afraid. Not all of it wrong explicitly, this is true. But none of it was courageous. Or free. Or full of any poetry. You must have courage to create. To shake yourself. To break free. To find and follow magic and to know what you are.
I always knew I was stalling. Always waiting for this moment. And now I am. Aware, awake, alive.
I just hit my stride. I just realized everything that’s happening. I just woke up, alive and aware in Australia. This is magic.
Holy shit. So I’m leaving to go to the Great Barrier Reef in a matter of hours? WTF. Will somebody just give me one second to breathe? Hah. No…THIS is what it’s all about…so tired you can’t even pack even for your next great adventure.
I have to let go of the money. It’s really hard for me…I just keep thinking about it. But I just have to make a decision…settle in it…and then forget about the money. This IS what I want to spend my money on…experiences…not souvenirs…I want the real thing. I have to keep reminding myself of that. And what do I need to save my money for? I’m here. I want to soak up every inch of it. And if that means letting go of money…then that’s all part of it. Do it all. Fearlessly. If I die next week…I’ll have gone to the Great Barrier Reef. There we go. And this is the ONE trip I really wanted to do at orientation…the Outback and RnR was all I really wanted…but I never imagined I’d ACTUALLY get to do them both. So I should cherish this opportunity and let go of everything else. LIVE.
I also have to try my best not to compare it with the Outback…I know it’s going to be inevitable…but they are COMPLETELY different experiences…actually polar opposites…and they just happen to be back to back…actually it should be rather incredible experiencing them back to back…the extreme of the desert and the extreme of the ocean. Life sure is incredible. Australia is incredible. Soak up everything.
So here I go. Onto the next great adventure.
“Freed from the constrictions of perceptive we can see the range and lack of subordination- there is a sense of mystical reciprocity, of all things residing in the one, one in all.”
This is a quote from the book I got out of the library about the Outback called “Seeking the Centre”…reading it is incredible…there are SO many stories of life changing experiences at Uluru and in the center as a whole. And now mine’s one of them. Some say all the songlines meet up at Uluru. I don’t know any of the specifics…but I know I found my heart there.
So much love I can’t even control it. I have to sleep with a picture of Uluru beside my bed now. It was that much.
It changed my life forever.