It’s this genuine struggle between the person that I AM and this nonsense that fills into my head and consumes it…I will NOT let it win.
Reflection is NECESSARY.
There will be a period of discovering what it is I need. And then a period of DOING that. This is a journey. And I will not settle.
There’s also a sense of “mine” that comes with this. Like this place is special because it’s all mine. I discovered it myself. That is really incredible.
It’s a sense of wonder that I want to live in. All of these feelings bring me closer to myself…BECAUSE I can feel them. I can feel whether or not what I like is going on in my head and through my eyes. I have OPINIONS here. THANK GOD. I have something here. I have a voice.
Time has inverted itself. All at once it feels like molasses…then it literally SPEEDS by in flashes. I can’t even wrap my head around….ANYTHING. This experience is INSANE.
It isn’t JUST about the amazing, mind blowing experiences. It isn’t just about the excursions and the “most amazing time of your life”…it’s also about the in betweens…the days of fear and insecurity…about being in a foreign country and not even knowing yourself…THAT’S really what its about…and that is just as important I think. And so many
I’m discovering what it means to study abroad. To be away from yourself. What Australia is. What it represents to me. What it can give to me. What I can give to it. I’m developing a relationship with another country, and with God, and with myself. And with Adam. Experiencing love from across the world and feeling the beauty in that. Not only is nothing that I’m doing wrong…but its THE most important learning experience I’ve ever had.
I’m so glad this isn’t easy…I’m so glad I have days like this where I wake up and wonder where the hell I am. I’m so GLAD I’m being shaken. Some part of me wishes all my life could be this much of a roller coaster…I might end up throwing up, but at least I would be there. I’m HERE.
Australia is amazing and perfect BECAUSE I’m having these feelings. Because these feelings push me, they confound me, they break me apart, they make me question, and they create the person I want to be.
I don’t want to just have a beautiful, oh that’s nice and that’s cool experience. That’s not what I’m having. Often I have moments of beauty like that…but mostly it is TRANSFORMATIVE.
To find what you don’t want. What you do want. And to CHASE it. To change. To grow. To learn. To LIVE.
There are times when I can actually feel myself being connected to my journey, this is one of those times.