I have SO much to say. I am SO full. I could write for days and days…I probably should…and need to…if only I could do it outside under a gum tree. Things I have come to understand:
Australia was 100% the best and most important decision I have ever made. Ever.
Australia has saved my soul.
Facebook is actively bad for me.
I have a genuine and deep connection to nature.
Only in coming away from myself have I been able to see myself. To reconnect with myself and see for the first time, the person I had become…or was becoming.
How did I get so lost? Who was I? I didn’t even realize how lost I was…but something was calling out…some part of me had to escape…and some part of me listened and followed it to Australia…and saved me from drying out completely. I can always find my way back…as long as I know that I’m lost. I was really considering NOT going to Australia so that I could sit around waiting for some guy who didn’t give a SHIT about me? What was I THINKING? To turn back on this opportunity for fear? And to reject love? TO REJECT LOVE. Who was I? Where was I? What was I thinking? And how did this happen? I really don’t recognize that person. I feel like my truth has been unleashed in my heart once again and I’m so angry at this person who invaded my body…like this virus infecting my system with fear, lackluster and obedience. I want to find that fire again and let it BURN.
Nothing is ever wrong…and we are never anywhere other than we should be…but I am so GLAD that THIS is who I am and not the nothingness I was falling into.
Or maybe it’s just Australia. Maybe Australia is just waking me up. Sometimes I find myself in such deep states of revelation…or rather re-revelaton….things that I thought I knew so deeply for so long…that I’m only just now realizing for the first time…as if my whole life could have been a lie up to this point and everything is new again. There is a sense of constant newness…it is literally mind blowing.
Adam asked me all these things about myself and I found I didn’t even know. I didn’t even know who I was anymore. I didn’t have anything to say. I literally couldn’t speak…and for a while I thought it was because there was something wrong with our connection- like he made me afraid…but I am slowly realizing…it was just me…I was just afraid. I was living in SO much fear. Peter backed me into a wall and I was clinging on to ANYTHING. But I lost myself entirely. That is terrifying…that I can be so lost in love that I lose myself. It wasn’t love anymore, it was just addiction…but it bred fear and trapped me in such a truly scary way. I never want someone to have that much power over me again…and without me even realizing it…what the FUCK. I think that’s what’s making me so scared of Adam…that I could lose myself again. I can’t afford to have myself broken again like that. Too much. But I just have to have faith. That’s all I can do.
This chase. This run. This ecstasy within me. I NEVER want to lose it. Not for ANY guy.
Adam you can only love me if I am free.
And I feel this is just the tip of what Australia holds. First I have to realize I’m off course, turn this ship out, head back to the harbor…and then set out to the open sea. A journey. Adventure. Walkabout.
I’ve changed so much already I can’t even wrap my head around it. I mean that literally. I really can’t even process it…but I can feel it.
Fuck I’m SO tired but there is SO much more than I want to write. Hopefully soon…I NEED to get a LOT out.
To strength. To self. To discovery.