There is something caught in my throat and pounding in my head and I don’t know what it is. I am rejecting love. I am rejecting love for the first time in my life. Something in me genuinely believes that I don’t deserve it. I’m trying to sculpt my own thoughts out of my head into something logical. I think it’s unfair and clearly unweighted. I wish the poetry would come back to me. I’ve lost my words. I’ve lost my voice. Everything is upside down.
There is nothing I want more than what you are giving me. You are quite literally giving me everything I ever wanted in life. And yet I’m pushing it away. What the FUCK is that.
I need to learn to love myself again. It’s important that I can know that…but even more important that I DO that.
I have to unplug. There is this constant barrage of everything and I can’t sort through anything and I can’t think about anything because it’s ticking in my head all of the time. The people, the places, the internet, facebook…and you are a part of that and I don’t want to confuse you with what is eating away at me…and I know I will end up resenting you if I don’t unplug and let go.
I HAVE to get off facebook. For my sanity.
I’m trying to live for myself and no matter how far I go I can’t escape the pull. And it’s driving me INSANE.
I wish that there was a way to sort out the things in my head.
There are thoughts bouncing around and evaporating and catapulting themselves in my head…like this insane marching band. I just need to release, release, release. Let go. Start over. Clear.
I am wildly out of control with myself, my feelings, my thoughts…I have given myself over to something wild and foreign…
I feel all at once very aware of myself…my wants, desires, needs…and yet at the same time utterly incapable and powerless to fight against them. My attention span seems to have disapparated. I all at once want everything to be entirely new and at the same time, am still very afraid to let go of the things I know. I feel intensely separated from myself, my life, and everything I know…
I feel open to an entirely new world, and at the same time…closed off to everything. I am rejecting so much of my reality…I just want to open, open, open.
I have this naive desire to let go of everything.
I can’t find the balance. I’m slipping into the extremes all the time. Like I need to shut off entirely. But that’s not rational and that’s not going to happen. I cannot erase. I cannot let go of myself. I am, at the very least…full of my own self. No matter how convoluted and messy it is right now. I am still stuck with myself. And right now I hate myself…and that is the problem. I feel like I’ve got a stopper in me…and I just want to release it and let all of this pour from me…I literally feel like there is a wall…and behind it is love, and faith, and acceptance. And why am I shutting myself off? That’s the worst feeling. I just want to open open open.
Moving on and letting go is never easy for me.
And I need healing time. Lots of healing time. This is my opportunity. For me time. This is what I want.
It isn’t what I want…but maybe its what I need. Maybe I need to have more faith in love and in God. More faith in faith.
And my OCD is acting up like crazy. That shouldn’t be an excuse. I want to let go of it. I want so many things and I just want to let go of my wants.
I am on walkabout.
I just disabled all my facebook notifications and I LITERALLY feel instantly better. My headache actually lifted. Incredible.
Sometimes its hard to let go of my own pain. To let myself be loved.
Love is faith and God is love and God is faith. These are all inextricably connected and I cannot find the lines where one ends and the other begins and that is somehow innately important to me. I no longer feel like I can love without God and faith. Love is magic.
I’m STILL trying to figure out what love means. It gets reinvented so many times…and so many times I really feel like I know what it means and I don’t.
But real love…what it means to share love with someone…perhaps that is simply the faith. The willingness to commit. That was what was wrong with Peter and I…That was THE reason it didn’t work…he didn’t believe. He didn’t want it to work and thus it did not. No matter how much I loved him, or maybe even he “loved” me…he had no faith in us.
Why has love suddenly become so heavy? Love is so light to me…love is EVERYWHERE. Peter really fucked with me. I need to find myself again. I didn’t even realize how much Peter fucked me and my identity until I fell in love again…Australia has let me see so much of this…now I have to pick myself up…lick my wounds…and tap into that deep well of love again. I want to rid myself of Peter’s doubt. And reunite myself with myself once again. And THEN I can commit to this love.
I DON’T WANT TO BE AFRAID ANYMORE. Not of myself, or my feelings, or my love, or your love, or this storm.
And it doesn’t matter how he says it…love isn’t about inflection or tone. Love is about faith.
I don’t want to over romanticize this love…that feeling is foreign and new to me and I’m not even entirely sure if it’s wholly true…but its something I’m feeling. I feel like so much of this has been so magical that I have to find some way to put my feet on the ground before I fly away entirely…I want this to be real and I’ve spent so much sugar coating and hurting myself…I need reality and I need
I’m terrified to commit myself to love again because Peter sucked EVERYTHING out of me. I feel like I have nothing left to give…I have to replenish myself. I mean I know I have an infinite amount of love within me…but I’ve lost it…I have to find it again. Refresh. Rebirth. And then dive back into love.
I feel closed off. So the only way to work through this feeling is to open up.
I DO want the fairytale…with every fiber of my being…that is something that is innately bound to me…and yet…I also want reality. I want them at the same time. And THAT will be true love. I want substance and magic.
I have been feeling entirely conflicted for SO long. I just want to feel complete, concise, and confident.
I feel my struggle with Australia…something in me is not willing to open up…to accept…to take it as it is…something in me still feels like I have the power to make it my own, and henceforth, I want it some other way…but it isn’t even one thing in particular that I want…it’s this mash up of feelings and emotions and moments…that I’m trying to COMPARE…because this is genuinely NEW…and I can’t wrap my mind around that, and thus I can’t open my heart up to it…so my heart is closed off and my mind has no where to go but in circles and I end up literally giving myself a headache.
My world has literally been turned upside down and instead of following it…I reject it. But now I want to open. And LOVE.
“I don’t know if we each have a destiny,
or if we’re all just floating around accidental-like on a breeze.
But I think maybe it’s both.
Maybe both are happening at the same time.”