Goodbye March, hello April.
Goodbye fear, hello adventure.
Goodbye March, hello April.
Goodbye fear, hello adventure.
Tomorrow I leave for the outback. I am disgustingly excited. Today and yesterday have just been busy busy practical days running around, getting stuff done, packing, and writing essays. I finished my first Australian essay…yay! So that’s all good.
But I am really anticipating these next few days. I wish it was possible to get more sleep but its really not considering the flight is at 6am. I honestly have this feeling that it’s going to be one of the most amazing experiences of my life. I hope I’m not hyping it up too much, but I just really feel that way. I am SO excited.
I am about to BURST wide open. I can feel it. I know it.
Bring it world. I’m so ready.
There’s nothing else I can do to prepare…I just need to let it invade me.
Here’s to going walkabout.
“The symbolic blood-read heart of the continent.”
To the center.
I’ve been making a lot of lists recently. I’m going to try to sort through them a little bit. Mostly all are written on scraps of paper here and there…so I’m trying to consolidate them all here. Some of my own dreaming. I’ve been writing a lot of scraps of paper when I’m without my journal…so this is all trying to put those little bits together.
I’m actually not a city person- they box me in- I want to run free in the open.
I want to go to Paris.
I want to travel the world desperately.
I don’t want to have to let go or give up my dreams in any way.
That might be one of my biggest fears.
I don’t want to dissolve. I never want to get too far from myself. And maybe that is somehow connected to God.
I want to strive and search for inspiration always.
The dots will always connect if you are patient enough.
I never want to get off this train. I never want this journey to end.
I do not want to have a normal life.
I want to join the peace corps. Or work on a farm, or save people.
This is purely selfish me time, so let it be that way.
I hate the suburbs. But they are part of me.
I love the Aussie lace architecture. I may want it in my house.
I want to give myself wholly to love and never look back.
I want money to evaporate.
I want strength always.
I do not want to forget this person that I am. I think it could be the worst thing i could do.
I want to really live before I settle down.
I don’t want to plan out my life, but I do want to dream.
I want a beautiful, woodland, natural, colorful house.
I want to live free and wild always.
I want to have a divine life.
I want to never be normal. Not in a rebellious way, I just want to have a fire. I don’t ever want to dry out. Never become dull. Why should I start now? I’ve changed now that I know you can lose yourself. So scary.
I want to be Kathryn Petersen. And Julia Ohm. And David Bush.
I will never give in. And how odd, I feel as if i always knew these things, but only truly for the first time now. Re-revelation.
THINGS I WANT IN MY DREAM HOUSE:
Natural woods and structures like in Belize…I can’t explain this one very well but I know what it looks like
Recycled bits of architecture and furniture
Cherry blossom tree
Painted ALL sorts of colors all over…and inside…murals and paintings all onto the actual walls
Lanterns and fairy lights
Open space, large windows, like on Battle Rd.
A cozy attic
Water- a lake, a river, the sea
Or a forest, or both.
That list probably came about from walking around to 60 houses a day selling solar panels- really made me excited to own a house of my own.
And finally, something I saw written on a street wall with a sharpie:
“Life is not complex, it is a simple choice between fear and love.”
This journey, for me, is about fearlessness.
I just left facebook…had Jordan change my password…for a just a while…and it was incredible. Freeing and relieving and empowering. Everyone should try it at least once. I found it wasn’t even that hard…once I actually began the process…I just wanted to get it away. Like it’s a virus…not that everything about facebook is inherently evil…but for me, it really and truly is a serious addiction and that was something I really needed to do. For myself. Just like this. To face your fears, and just do it. To leap off the edge into freedom. And just to know that you can do it. And that changes the landscape of things once you come back. Knowing your strength.
To let go.
“You do your thing and I do my thing.
You are you and I am I.
And if in the end we end up together, It’s beautiful.”
So today was incredible. Started off horrible, and ended up being one of the best days. I woke up, couldn’t find my phone, missed a trip to Lone Pine, and with news that Adam isn’t coming to visit. Then I actually got some stuff done and immediately felt better. Bad things push you to do good things. Then I got out, missed a couple buses, but eventually got out to South Bank. Ran down to west end to buy tickets for the film festival, then walked back to south bank and finalllly got to just lay on the beach and go swimming and enjoy the sun…I’ve been wanting to do that every since I got here and I finally had the oppurtunity so I was extremely happy. And it’s extremely nice…like all the good things of a pool and a beach but without any of the bad stuff. It is perfect. 🙂
LIFE IS AMAZING. LOVE IS AMAZING. This world is amazing. The world that I live in, my world…it’s growing and expanding and blossoming even without the change of the seasons. Incredible. Everyday is NEW.
There are moments where I can actually feel myself connected to the path. Where guidance seems to pour from all angles…and I can actually feel myself connecting the dots. It’s an incredible, awe-inspiring, devastating feeling.
It is EVERYWHERE.
I had a revelation today. I NEED to write about it. It’s 2am…but soon…I NEED to write. I need more time in a day, is what I need.
Life is unfolding.
The pain is what it’s ALL about. That’s the only way I can justify it.