I feel a bit disappointed. I thought the feeling would pass with adjustment. But no…I feel disappointed by this experience. My head. It’s my head…all in my head and it’s driving me totally insane. I have to spend less time on the internet…MUCH less…it reminds me of home and my old life and I can’t reconcile the two yet. I need to have a wholly unique experience.
And at the same time…everything is changed…everything is new…
But I’m tired ALL the time. Am I still jetlagged? I hate it. It makes me grouchy and then I get depressed about all of this. I had this idea in my head that it would be perfect and wonderful everyday all day…that’s the way everyone talks about it…I know that’s not reality…but everyone talks like that’s how I should be feeling…and it just makes me feel worse. Ugh.
Things have changed over night. And that is both wonderful and terrifying all at the same time. I don’t know when this feeling will ever settle or if I even want it to. Sigh. I’m exhausted. Everything being new is exhausting. I think I deserve a day to rest. I need sleep.
I need to get this demon out of me. Or rather…accept it.
I feel like I’m not allowed to have a bad day here…and that’s exhausting. That’s what it is.
I want to stop worrying about what others think. I want to break this necessity for some social pattern. I want to break my bad habits. I want to shed my dependency on the internet. I want to learn everyday…from the other side of the world…with new eyes and to open my heart and my mind. I want to let go of what I think this experience is supposed to be and just let it be exactly as it is. That’s what I need most right now. Acceptance. To just let it be.
I want to make a list of all the things that are different. And I want to celebrate that. Celebrate the difference.
I honestly don’t want to make friends…I mean firstly because I will lose them in a matter of months…but also because I don’t want to be tied down and I want to genuinely experience myself and the world for 4 months. That’s why I came here. Not to make more ties…but to break free and live for myself. This is for myself. Self discovery time. I want to take advantage of that. That’s something I can’t get back home. REAL honest me time.
And I’m finding that I don’t actually want to drink that much. It’s SO expensive. And that’s not something that’s special to Australia…I can do that anywhere…and I really want to remember everything. And I don’t want to make a bad decision and ruin things with Adam…I didn’t even know I felt that way until recently…but I do.
I’m learning what I do and don’t like and what I want from life…very quickly and accessibly. I don’t like the surfer mind set…because I honestly don’t want it to be all so monotone. Simple happiness all the time is not enough for me. I want passion. And depth. And happiness is still so surface for me. I want bliss. And terror. Maybe I’m just dramatic…but I want to live my life fully.
I’ve also realized really what I need and what I don’t need…at least materialistically. Emotionally as well. So much becomes suddenly apparent. It’s incredible.