And on the 7th day….acceptance came.
I’m going to be all of it. I’m going to be so overwhelmed. I am going to be on this wild adventure whatever that means…it may not be what I want or think I want…but that’s EXACTLY why it’s so important…and I’m not on vacation…I’m on walkabout. This isn’t about pampering…this is about REALLY learning. Digging deep. It’s about acceptance. Accepting gifts. Glorious, new, unending gifts from God.
The only trouble is…I did literally NO preparation. Mentally, emotionally, practically, financially…What was I thinking? I had this grand notion that I could just let it all happen to me…let myself be surprised…what I was really picking was to be extremely overwhelmed…It’s ok…preparing while adjusting has been quite an experience in itself…I guess it just made the experience that much more intense…no safety net…just jumping into the abyss. Quite an experience. One I will never forget. Truly living. And for that…I suppose it was the right decision. MORE life.
All important places I’ve ever been to have had serious ups and downs…you need lots of colors to make a place truly meaningful. Happy all the time means nothing. So one dimensional. I want more colors. And so far I’ve been extremely emotional and full of discovery…that’s what’s important. I may not have as an ideal of a situation as everyone else…but I’m sure I’m discovering more about myself than anyone else. So here’s to that.
I’m going to live the world on my own schedule here.
And I’m writing alot. I have lots of inspiration here. It’s not happiness I’m after…it’s inspiration. Lack of motivation and inspiration is really the death of a soul…and that’s why my soul was slowly dying at home…without me even knowing it. And THAT’S why being here is important.
I’m looking for inspiration. That’s what I’m after.
I must also remember that I had feelings very similar to these when I began Arcadia…just because it was such a different experience than everyone else was having and I just needed to find that own inner acceptance and unique love. I’m sure I’ll do the same here. I’m sure of it. Love is everywhere here.
The weather is perfect. I love the smell of the trees at night. It’s honestly worth not being in the city or the beach just to have that smell at night. And the sound of the insects and birds…especially at night…it feels like I’m at summer camp. And I never got that summer camp experience so that’s pretty special for me.
It’s scary and exhilarating and intense to be entirely alone and free.
It’s important to me that he has his own life…I never knew I would want that in a relationship…but the wild dependency on me from Peter was actually suffocating in a way I never really grasped.
I’m learning so much.
To life. To learning. To inspiration. And to sunshine. That’s really all I need.
It’s about learning to be satisfied with what you have. It’s about acceptance. And a big leap of faith.
And about fear. Knocking down walls and conquering fear.
I’m so glad this wasn’t easy. I feel stronger even now than I did a week ago…I can actively feel that.
I feel a bit disappointed. I thought the feeling would pass with adjustment. But no…I feel disappointed by this experience. My head. It’s my head…all in my head and it’s driving me totally insane. I have to spend less time on the internet…MUCH less…it reminds me of home and my old life and I can’t reconcile the two yet. I need to have a wholly unique experience.
And at the same time…everything is changed…everything is new…
But I’m tired ALL the time. Am I still jetlagged? I hate it. It makes me grouchy and then I get depressed about all of this. I had this idea in my head that it would be perfect and wonderful everyday all day…that’s the way everyone talks about it…I know that’s not reality…but everyone talks like that’s how I should be feeling…and it just makes me feel worse. Ugh.
Things have changed over night. And that is both wonderful and terrifying all at the same time. I don’t know when this feeling will ever settle or if I even want it to. Sigh. I’m exhausted. Everything being new is exhausting. I think I deserve a day to rest. I need sleep.
I need to get this demon out of me. Or rather…accept it.
I feel like I’m not allowed to have a bad day here…and that’s exhausting. That’s what it is.
I want to stop worrying about what others think. I want to break this necessity for some social pattern. I want to break my bad habits. I want to shed my dependency on the internet. I want to learn everyday…from the other side of the world…with new eyes and to open my heart and my mind. I want to let go of what I think this experience is supposed to be and just let it be exactly as it is. That’s what I need most right now. Acceptance. To just let it be.
I want to make a list of all the things that are different. And I want to celebrate that. Celebrate the difference.
I honestly don’t want to make friends…I mean firstly because I will lose them in a matter of months…but also because I don’t want to be tied down and I want to genuinely experience myself and the world for 4 months. That’s why I came here. Not to make more ties…but to break free and live for myself. This is for myself. Self discovery time. I want to take advantage of that. That’s something I can’t get back home. REAL honest me time.
And I’m finding that I don’t actually want to drink that much. It’s SO expensive. And that’s not something that’s special to Australia…I can do that anywhere…and I really want to remember everything. And I don’t want to make a bad decision and ruin things with Adam…I didn’t even know I felt that way until recently…but I do.
I’m learning what I do and don’t like and what I want from life…very quickly and accessibly. I don’t like the surfer mind set…because I honestly don’t want it to be all so monotone. Simple happiness all the time is not enough for me. I want passion. And depth. And happiness is still so surface for me. I want bliss. And terror. Maybe I’m just dramatic…but I want to live my life fully.
I’ve also realized really what I need and what I don’t need…at least materialistically. Emotionally as well. So much becomes suddenly apparent. It’s incredible.
I’m so glad I take so many pictures. Sometimes there’s no way of capturing and reflecting like looking at colors and images.
But words are sustainable too.
I’ve never really missed winter this much. I have an over abundance of love in my heart.
Going through it all really helps…I would do it all again…this has been an incredible journey. The greatest adventure of my life. The grandest and the most eye opening. Truly. Strengthening. I can honestly feel myself strengthening every day.
Love is getting bigger and better every second. Exploding.
I want to be 100% honest about this love ALL of the time. I want reality. I want real love. Starting now. Honest, at least to myself. Most importantly to myself.
I do know that you continue to give me butterflies in my stomach from the other side of the world.
I’ve never in my life felt like someone loves me as much as I love them. Or even more. I don’t know what to do with it.
I’m not in any way trapping myself into anything. Life will happen and what will be will be.
Someone believes. That’s really all I wanted out of someone else. So in that way, he is perfect.
It’s getting better being here. It’s getting easier, and it’s getting harder. The world is literally flipped on its axis and I can’t even comprehend things in the same way anymore. I know that’s important though. This is an INSANE growing experience. You don’t even think about what studying abroad is really all about until you’re just thrown into the world.
He is giving me everything I ever needed. Ever wanted. This is it. This is all I need.
Am I ready? Will I ever be ready? How can I ever possibly leap this mountain? To feel the wind on my face, the world at my back, and the future in my grip…I can do it. I know deep within I can. And I know to cross this ocean will be to erase all fear. Am I ready?
I am me. And I am strong. And the universe only spins forward. Now go out and live the life you were born to live. No one is alone. Come walk with me in the mud. Let it be. You end alone and in the light. DO NOT TAME MY HEART.
TO LIVE. TO FEARLESSNESS. TO FAITH.
I like how sleeping next to someone means more than sex sometimes.
It’s the body’s way of saying
‘I trust you to be by my side at my most vulnerable time.’
You have no defences when you are asleep, you tell no lies.
( Eric Shaw )
Life is beautiful. It’s speeding at an ungainly pace with no regard for me or the poetry I wish to cling to…but waking up next to him is always worth it. It’s all worth it.